Zarmeenaytossed in agony as the pain ripped through her body; unrelenting, blotting out all her thoughts. She screamed again, waves of pain tearing her body apart. A streak of tears streamed down her face, she closed her eyes and everything around her vanished. She felt very light, drifting away in darkness, her senses blurring and being dimly aware of the sounds that cocooned her: the midwife shouting excitedly, an acute cry of the baby, her husband calling her name. Her brain convinced her that she was hallucinating but someone suddenly gripped her hand and startled her to the reality. She was in the best room of the small house, the sheets soaked in blood. “It couldn’t be”, something visceral inside struggled as the old midwife deposited the boy in her arms. She managed a weak smile, hot tears blurring the vision of the angel she had just took up in her shaking arms. She nuzzled the baby against her sweat drenched shirt and closed her eyes. Cry or smile? The choice was difficult.
She washed the dishes in the morning sun, the clod water making her gasp at times. As she turned with the splintered wood bucket towards her mud baked house, her gaze fell upon Abu Ayub, her ten years old son. He was busy playing with the boys, bursting with energy, screaming and laughing as he kicked the ball every now and then. His hazel eyes shone in the sunlight and his dirt colored hair bounced as he jumped. Zarmeenay smiled at his sight. Her son was her entire life, a life she loved so dearly but a life that was plummeted in danger of her world. She was both happy and sad at his birth. The ladies mocked her accused her of being so cold but in the depths of reality, she was all correct. In this world, conceiving a baby meant giving way to a new life, protecting the fragile fragments of clotted blood, nourishing it but in Rohingya, it was the opposite. Every birth was a new death, every mother gave way to the decided death of their babies as they pushed them out of their wombs. Every Muslim child came with his fate written by the Buddhist monks: to die at the hands of brutality. Zarmeenay shivered at the thought. The fear had crept into her marrow, has been flowing in her blood for years. Then one rainy night, it leapt out of her transforming into a bitter reality. Abu Ayub was taken away by the Buddhists.
Abu Ayub was not
alone, other Muslim boys were taken too. The boys were kept in the dark,
chained, for several days. They lived on dry bread, cried for their families
but their cries absorbed in the thick darkness. Nobody was their to listen and why would anybody listen? Days passed and
then one day came the brutal part. They were beaten ruthlessly with leather
belts, sticks until their body wailed of their suffering. Their heads were
shaved and then they were trafficked to the town where they now sit and beg the
people for money. The amount collected is taken by the Buddhist traffickers who
in return, assure the boys of their living. Among these, is Abu Ayub, sitting
on a dirty mat, palms open and hopefully looking towards the passers-by with
tearful eyes. His left arm in crippled and turned away from his body at an
awful angle. The bruises and cuts are visible through his ragged shirt. He is
the most favorite of the traffickers because he collects the most money.
Hundreds of miles away, there is
Zarmeenay who now works in people’s houses to earn bread for her and her
paralyzed husband. She never smiles, yet is chained with guilt of the sin she
committed: bringing Abu Ayub to this bad world. If it was not her, Abu Ayub
would have been safe in the heavens. Her scars still screamed, through the mist
of her eyes, through the cracks of her skin. There are thousands of guilty
Zarmeenay and loads of helpless Abu Ayub in Rohingya who share the same fate.
Their silence yells for justice from the world. Dare to listen.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Salutations.
I'm glad you asked me to review this short story, since it is very well-written. You wanted to know whether you should submit this to that magazine, and my answer is yes, definitely. However, there are still many things you can do to improve it before you do.
My Legend:
Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal
An impressive first sentence. The pain described here foreshadows the pain the mother will feel at the end of the story. Foreshadowing is an excellent writing device, so I commend you on employing it. But be mindful of typos (silly mistakes like omitting a space or misspelling a word because you aren't paying attention to what you're typing), since they may potentially influence the publisher's opinion of you. Also, I suggested replacing the comma with that conjunction because it provides for better flow.
You have already established that the woman is in pain in the previous sentence, so adding the article "the" emphasises the pain, rather than just repeat that she is hurting.
Here, you are contrasting the pain with feelings of peace. In childbirth, that is a very sudden shift, so you should indicate it in your writing, hence my suggestion. (The ellipsis aids this idea.)
As you can see, I added two ellipses. The reason for this is that it visually reinforces the idea that the woman is floating away. If you can both show and explain what your characters are experiencing, it makes the read much more enjoyable. (By the way, I changed the "an" to a "the" because you referred to the baby specifically.)
The phrasing in the coloured text was awkward.
I suggested removing the blue text because it doesn't contribute to the story at all. If you combined these two sentences though, you would list the things which are real, which then emphasises the sudden return to reality.
I love the imagery here, but you used the past simple tense of "take up" instead of the past perfect tense.
There is nothing wrong with these three sentences, I simply wanted to comment on how this intrigues the reader. We understand childbirth is an extremely painful process and that it's natural for mothers to cry during and afterwards, but the tone here is different, so the reader becomes unsure. Now, you are incorporating the meaning of the title in your story.
While I don't exactly understand why the mother is gasping, that's not the issue here. A new paragraph does not indicate a jump in time, and unless you prepare the reader for one, it comes as a surprise. Now, surprises are generally welcome when reading, but some things aren't meant to be surprises. By adding the asterisks (even just one asterisk would be enough), you show the reader that there has been a timelapse.
We don't use the plural form when we use someone's age as an adjective.
The blue word simply takes up more space in the sentence. As such, I suggest removing it. (Usually, you don't want to say "he/she is busy playing", you just say "he/she is playing", since that's shorter, and brevity rules in literature.)
While dirt can be many colours, making the description vague, I still think it is effective, because it foreshadows what the Buddhists will think of the boy once they find him.
If somebody's life is plummetted into danger, it means it is suddenly thrust into the danger. If you want to make the replaced part seem less fancy, simply saying "a life that was dangerous in her world" will do.
Sometimes, a little verbosity can be a good thing. Besides, "happy" and "sad" are both so terribly overused.
If these two senteces were a sauce, it would be grainy. It just doesn't read well. First, I added a conjunction to correct the sentence structure. Then, I removed the text in blue because frankly, it's confusing. Since the sentence would then seem as if you wanted to say more (because you did), I added a dash to connect the two sentences. Finally, I added a comma before the "but" to improve the flow a bit and I changed the "was" to "meant", since you used "meant" earier. Tying the clauses together in such a way ensures that your writing reads fluidly and isn't choppy.
Repetition, when used correctly, can be quite useful, but when it doesn't serve to emphasise an idea or something like that, it annoys the reader. In this case, repeating "death" makes the sentence awkward, so in cases like that, it's better to use synonyms.
I understand what you want to say, but phrasing it better would make the message clearer. (It also improves the reader's overall impression of your work.)
Once again, your phrasing is a bit off. The choice of words greatly influences how reader's interpret your writing, but it definitely helps to ask for people who may be aware of sayings and figures of speech of which you are not aware, which is why asking for reviews is a wise decision.
The same thing I mentioned in the two previous comments applies here.
"Their" is a possessive pronoun, whereas "there" is an adverb of place. It is a common malapropism (or homophonic mistake - they sound the same, but have different meanings). Just keep this in mind in future.
Here, I feel you want create the impression that the days drag on, and then, as if to further torment the children, their comes the day of their torture. Therefore, I suggested extending the sentence a bit.
Since there were only two items in your list, I corrected the comma by replacing it with the conjunction "and". Also, I am unsure about the personification at the end, but I suppose it can work...
This sentence plays with the readers' emotions, which is good. However, there is a comma-splice error. Fortunately, you don't have to rewrite anything - just remove the comma.
Phrasing it this way removes the circumlotion. And like I said earlier, always try to make the sentence as short as possible (unless you want the sentence to be long-winded).
"Yet" is a conjunction that introduces contrast, but there is none here, so a more appropriate conjunction is needed. Also, words like "bad", "good" and "nice" are used too often, so if at all possible (and usually it is), look up a synonym. Don't use just any synonym though, since the meaning may be similar, but not what you need.
Whereas the full stop (or period, as it is also known) ended the sentence unceremoniously, an ellipsis would convey the continuity of the mother's injuries and scars. This creates a more lasting impression on the reader.
I enjoy employing the "sting-in-the-tail" technique in short stories, and here, you have applied it masterfully. I love it and commend you!
And, there you have it. As I said in the beginning, you must certainly submit your short story, since not only is it well-written, but you have put much thought into it too - that is clearly visible. The characterisation is excellent, and you have proven that a short story doesn't need to be pages long to have a lasting impression on the reader. Polish your it a bit and take my advice into account, and you may very well end up being published. Good luck with your endeavours!
Thanks for the review! It proved really helpful. Im making the changes>
I'm glad! And you're welcome.
There are three words that I need to say about this piece to get across my critique. Make-me-care. Now, human trafficking is a huge problem in the world. We all know that and we want to fix it - but I'm getting of subject. What I was trying to say is you're presenting this as a piece of fictionalized reality, and even with that in mind, you still need to make me care.
There are five essential story elements that you've heard of:
-Who
-What
-When
-Where
-Why
and you've skipped most of them. Who? This lady and this kid. What? Um, humans? When? Now. Where? Somewhere. Why? Heck if I know.
That's just the impression I got.
Now, being the battle hardened man with a heart so callused you can argue that it's not a heart anymore-I didn't care one snap about these people. You never gave me any reason to do that. No actions to make me relate to them, no real analysis of their competence...
What? Why do I care? MAKE ME CARE!
The most important part of any fiction is the Who element of them! That's why we care about the story! That's why we read them! You can't just dump two people in this horrible scenario and not give them any way perceivable personality traits. This story would hit so much harder if you gave it a little time to let us feel the pain, of the characters.
But that's just me, and to be honest this was a good story, it just lacked a human element for me.
I hope this helped a *little* bit.
If not, then I apologize.
thanks for the review!
will work on it
Actually, I believe keeping these characters semi-anonymous is part of what makes this short story so effective. The human traffickers in the story don't care who the people are either - they simply care about religion. Though I agree the characters can be made to show a little more emotion, you have to keep the overall length of the short story in mind. The characters' lack of a definite identity is what ties in with the reference to all the other families who have suffered the same plight. Anyway, that's just my thoughts.
Stephen King has a writing rule that goes as follows: If someone says they don't like an element of my story that I do like I generally ignore them, because they're one person, and I'm one person too. But if two people state the same complaint, then I pay more attention.
I'm one person, and my opinion was formulated on the fact I didn't relate to anyone in the story, therefore the tragedy was muffled for me. But you're one person, and it made a resounding pound to your heartstrings.
Such is the paradox of human taste.
Well spoken.
I like the unique names, it adds and makes you remember the story and characters. The descriptions are pretty well done, just enough so it doesn't feel like an overload. The narrative is also very well done, the only thing I kind of dislike are the characters since they don't fit with me, especially the narrator, it just seems kind of unrealistic. But in all, that is a minor problem compared to other things, it could be just me, and it probably is, I think you need a stronger connection with the reader and the characters, they just seem, distant, and that's all I have to say about this.
thanks buddy!
Hi,
I was stunned by this gloomy story as it could be happening already. It's possible; it's sad; it's unjust.
This writing left an effect on me, which is quite rare for me. You used a great vivid yet dark description; I love it. There are mistakes which aren't truly a mistakes, but could add some improvements.
I'll start one by one:
Space the words, 'Zarmeenay' and 'tossed'. Putting 'had' after 'pain' would be nice.
Quite a sentence...
'She had screamed again and again and waves of her pain was tearing her body apart'
Advice: Repetition would be nice sometimes.
'A streak of bloody tears hurriedly streamed down her face as she slowly closed her miserable eyes and everything around her vanished.'
Advice: A simple adjective could change everything!
'She felt light; drifted away in darkness; her senses blurred and dimly was aware of the sounds that cocooned her: the midwife shouting excitedly; an acute crying from the baby; her husband calling her.'
Advice: Sometimes unneeded words could only add waste and ruin the sentence/story.
'Scarcely, her brain was convincing her that she was only hallucinating but someone was gripping her hand suddenly, startling her to the reality'
Advice: Try adding words that could bring an impact on your sentence and using the same tense on verb in the sentence.
'She was in the biggest room of the small house, but the sheets were still soaked in blood.'
Confused: What were those sheets, care to explain it?
Advise : A correct usage of word would bring a dazzling effect.
'"It can't be." Something visceral inside struggled as the old midwife deposited the boy in her caring arms.'
Advice: Study more regarding dialogue as it might be your weakness.
'She had managed a weak but beautiful smile; hot tears blurred the vision of the small angel that she had just took in her shaking arms.'
Advice: Be more logical about the description you used.
'She nuzzled the baby against her sweat drenched shirt and closed her eyes.'
Advise: Nothing to say here! You were good.
'To cry or to smile? The choice was left unanswered.'
Advice: A little things could decorate the sentence most ardently!
These were all I could afford to: a single paragraph...
Keep writing as your writing style are beautiful and graceful. I hope this helped ya.
~Nicol
P/s : Sorry for any mistakes that I had made.
Thanks for the review! I'll work on the mistakes you pointed out and use your advice to the best.
No problem!
Hello, This was a darker more intense piece of writing. This is my first review on this account so lets hope this goes well
Anyways the story was a nice darker piece as I said before and since I suppose that is what it was meant to be you did a good job their. Now I am not going to try to be like other reviewers and say spelling and grammar errors because I believe as writers its ok to make those mistakes as long as it is readable and a good story. Your story passed both of my expectations with flying colors. Good job on the story and I hope to see more of your work 
Hey thanks buddy!
such encouragement needed! 
Hey! runawaylove here to review your piece!
Okayyy, so that was one intense piece of writing. I loved all the descriptions, the narration was perfect and the imagery was beyond compare. The starting was amazing but ominous and as the story unfolded into the tragic ending, I'm just at a loss of words. I started having goosebumps while reading this. I am a citizen of Bangladesh and these cases are quite common in our country too. Back to your piece, there are some typos. It would be great if you could revise and fix them. Keep up the good work!
Oh my God. Thanks for the review and such appreciation. You don't know how much an appreciation lift up your spirits!
I'm grateful for your kind review! And yes, I'm from Pakistan and such stories as alot more common here too.