Nobody wants to get replaced.
But is it still this hard, when you're going to win a wonderful person?
A light view in the dark - or just a fallacy?
Not everything that shines is gold, isn't it?
You're not able to know who will grant your luck.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey user Purple here,
So this is obviously a non-traditional type of poem. I think, overall, I understand what you're trying to say. However, your wording and change of subject in every sentence is awfully confusing. I know this was probably a stream of consciousness and it might make sense to you, but an important aspect of poetry is getting the message across to the audience.
You start off with "Nobody wants to get replaced." but you don't continue with this thought. Who got replaced? What happened? It doesn't necessarily have to be a long, complicated story. But, you should add enough detail for this to carry over into the next line. "But is it still this hard, when you're going to win a wonderful person?" What do you mean by this? I think, if you want this to make sense without adding a lot of detail, you should take out the part about 'winning' a wonderful person. Usually, when a writer adds a character, it means they would elaborate on that person. How does getting replaced lead to a wonderful person? Describe this person, at least a little bit. Otherwise, the reader loses interest. For the most part, I like the message in your following two lines. But, again, I think you should elaborate on this. The reader does not get a clear picture of this story or metaphor with what you have currently.
I think this has good potential and you have a lot of creative opportunities already set up for you.
Have a good day and keep on writing!
~Purple
Hey!
I really like this poem - it's a lot shorter than most poems I know but honestly that really doesn't matter - it is short and sweet and being able to portray such emotion in five lines shows real skill!
Criticism:
Honestly, line 2 confuses me:
So you're saying that being replaced is difficult, so why is winning a wonderful person a part of that? I'm not sure, you probably mean something by it but it could do with some clarity - no I have no idea how you can achieve this, there's just something about that line that doesn't read as well.
Again, it's nothing specific, but "a light view" feels a bit... bland? This view in the dark, is it unnatural, almost violent, or more calm and innocent? Maybe try "A shard of light in the dark..." or "a burst of light.." or a "glow" or something entirely different. Just try experimenting and see what fits. Remember: every word in the poem needs to be important and succinct.
Finally, a small thing:
I guess the question should be "gold, is it?" or "gold, is it not?" or something. "Isn't it" is like a double negative and doesn't really make sense.
And that's it - criticism done, because really everything else is spot on. It's nicely delivered, and captures an emotion and feeling really nicely. You should be proud, because I'm a big fan of this.
Keep writing!