Young Writers Society

Hi!

Specifics

1.

His smile was more beautiful than a thousand butterflies

So we're past tense which tells us immediately that something went wrong here/ most likely the boy died. Which ah, that's sad! I'm not sure though that a thousand butterflies is the best choice of simile as it's not very unique and 'thousand' especially is used all the time. I think the butterfly image is more acceptable as butterflies and beauty do go really well together, particularly since they start off as caterpillars and really aren't that pretty and then suddenly, wow.

So maybe add a different modifier to it, like:

His smile was more beautiful than an emperor butterfly

(they're quite an elusive species, especially the purple emperor who is very pretty)

or

His smile was more beautiful than a glasswinged butterfly

The glasswinged butterflies are incredible. And even people who don't know what they look like will get the idea from the name and when they research them later, they will always think of your poem and what more beautiful thing for a poem to do than to introduce someone to another wonder of our world?

Swallowtail butterflies are also pretty, especially emerald swallowtails. Maybe do some searching - you could look for different types of red butterflies to tie in with the boy.

2. The heart melt when looking into his eyes image is a bit overdone as well.

3. The poem doesn't tell us a lot about the boy - we know he's kind and that he had a secret but it never really goes into depth and it's hard to care about someone we know so little about. What was so special about this boy? Did he once climb a mountain to earn money for charity? Did he give his lunch money to a kid who had none so they could eat? Did he tell a girl that she was beautiful because nobody else would? Specifics are really what makes a poem stand out because then they are your line and nobody else's. Everyone says things like that person was nice or that person had a secret but telling us what the secret is makes it your own. Telling us what the nice did was makes it real.

Overall

So there's some good emotion in this piece and I think you're handling the theme of death in a mature and sensitive way, but there needs to be more detail to make this really flourish and to make it emotive. Try to think of new ways to say everything you want and then turn to google to find the image/ word which really expresses it. Google is definitely your friend when writing poetry - you just need to know what to look for. Like, I already knew some species of butterflies to suggest but to make this really work with the boy with the red hair, I'd suggest searching for a red one that is pretty and has a poetic sounding name. The glasswing could work as the outside of their wings is generally red and they sometimes have pink spots on their lower wings but a quick google shows there's also the red lacewing or the apollo butterfly which is white with red spots.

I hope this helps a little!

~Heather

Hey there hmcg and #HappyRevmo . It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I was going to comment on the fact that you might want to include some stanzas but then I saw your reply to the previous review. Here's a link to a guide of How to Format Poetry on YWS. There's several different versions at the bottom, so be sure to have a look at all of them.

Well then. Let's just take it from the top.

His smile was more beautiful than a thousand butterflies
I can feel my heart melt when I look into his eyes
When I am with him time just flies
The boy with the red hair

1. I don't know how you had your stanzas organized in the non-publishing center messes everything up version but this is just how I would personally split it up. This reflects the title of the poem and introduces the speaker, who is most likely the love interest of the boy.
2. The general description on the first page was a bit, well, general. There were many ways that I could have predicted it to go because at one point I wandered into a darker area, and thought you might be referring to blood., It's true that I have reviewed and written way too many things about murder and suicide , so my mind often jumps there.
3. The rhyme scheme is here and there, where you basically have flies rhyming with flies. I think if you're going to be loyal to your rhyme scheme, then you should actually be loyal to your rhyme scheme, rather than the bouncing around I saw further down.
4. This is also a good time for me to bring up how you might want to experiment with caps and punctuation to ease the flow. Contrary to popular opinion, poetry does have some rules to follow, including flow. The lines don't stick together very well and the reader is left hanging at the end of each one. They are sudden and abrupt and need a nice bridge into the next thought instead of just being thrown across the river. Hope you get my drift.
5. Starting out this is relatively innocent and shows how madly in love the speaker is with the subject. But now for the progression.

Overall
1. I could provide you with a stanza by stanza breakdown but for the most part I would be repeating myself. Which brings me into the repetition throughout the poem. For awhile it matches in stride with the rest of the events but towards the end it shows the need for punctuation and more separation from the pack. Like take the final use of it at the bottom. Without a period, a complete stop not just a convention, it makes no sense. With a period it also makes no sense. So I think the best thing there might be to add more substance between 'though' and 'the boy with red hair'. Right now it's just kind of speeding into the ending and in all honesty, I think that leaves a sour taste in the reader's mouth.
2. The overall message was sweet and though it wasn't always executed in the best manner, I still liked it. With a couple more drafts of this poem, I think that you could make it into something great and if you want some help with that, just drop me a line.

Have a nice day.
~Liz