Young Writers Society

Heya! Gravity here for a review

So I just wanted to say I thought this poem was really cool and I like how abstract it was. However, it's almost as if you use the main theme of cameras to tie the subject back to something the reader can somewhat understand, capturing an image. I thought this was a really clever trick and a great way to pace the poem.

So as soon as I saw pas de deux I knew you were talking about a dancer, I wasn't sure whether that was metaphorical or physical. I looked back through other reviews (I know, major no no) and somebody mentioned how you waited to bring up the camera theme. Only, you didn't. You just did it very subtly and I thought that was so clever.

to this silence, the inhale-exhale of mirrors
which swell, strain to capture your reflection

I drowned in acid, drowned in concave longing
shaped like palms facing up,
trying to drown out the thin, reedy jazz

Excellent! I don't know why it's always love poems and love songs, but at least you maintained this so far away from cliche in the personal storytelling of it, so I enjoyed it (although)... and don't get mad or anything, but we all know what that tragedy feels like and so there's not much to see here except revisit my own downtrodden feelings past. It was the way you "framed" it that made it a worthwhile read-- but not worth studying

Hello!
This is a really beautiful poem. Your images work so well, and the flow is so nice! I probably won't have anything extremely helpful to say, but I do want to load on some praise, because this is a job excellently done!

I suppose I do have a couple of suggestions. Take them as you will. I find that in poetry, the fewer words, the more saturated the poem is with goodness. Remove fluff. Remove unneeded repetitions. Remove parts that do not have as much "bang," and try to create a poem that can be more condensed. However, this poem is definitely not too long. It's an ok length. But just thinking "what can I get rid of here?" might help focus your points.
Speaking of focus (hehe camera pun!), I feel like you have this nice, strong central theme of cameras here. But you do have some extraneous things that don't quite fit for me. For example, (even though I really like the images and words here) the beginning doesn't bring up cameras at all, rather just focusing on this reflection thing, not getting to cameras until "not made to be captured?" at best. Perhaps narrowing your focus, and using the camera as the only point of view in the poem (if that makes any sense at all) would be beneficial. Or it might be detrimental. But it's always fun to experiment!
This poem might be a tad too abstract. It's hard for me to tell, because I really like completely concrete poems, but I also really like this. You definitely have mostly concrete imagery but it's strung together in a way that doesn't quite make sense in my brain, so it's sort of abstract as well at the same time. Some examples of what I'm talking about (and these are not necessarily bad lines, I just want to clarify what sort of thing I'm trying to get across"
"drowned in concave longing shaped like palms facing up"
"you danced music into the sun-bleached fingers"
"the loose soil of my heart"
etc. (it's just sort of images that are concrete but don't really seem to be explained in any way)
however, these lines sort of add to a dreamy tone in this poem, so they might be bad to get rid of or change. I'm not entirely sure!

But just know that I really enjoyed reading this poem It was fantastically done!

I hope my review could have been helpful in some way. Keep writing!!
~fortis

Hey, crobbins here for a quick review!

So, I love this piece! I can't find any spelling/grammar issues! Kudos!

I have seen many pieces like this (format-wise). I think your formatting choices helped the reader feel the emotion you put into the piece, and follow the change of feeling in the piece. For example, when the formatting began to be erratic, you were talking about being confused. This lack of order shows that the main character would be feeling confused- the disorganized format proved this.

I love your ongoing use of the camera. It describes the need some of us feel to keep the people we love in the same state. In a photograph, one emotion is captured. The main character, I think, wants to get a picture of what they were like before they became "an infection that's cancerous." I think all of us feel this way at one point or another. After a fight with a significant other, you may wish that they could just stay happy all the time. The camera analogy describes this beautifully.

I loved this piece a lot, especially since it was SO relatable. All of us can relate to this kind of suffering to some degree. This is what I love about poetry personally. How universal it can be.

So, overall, great job! I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins