z

Young Writers Society



choreography: summer pavement

by hexglass


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Points: 0
Reviews: 75

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Tue Mar 07, 2017 10:43 pm
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MeisterChan wrote a review...



Hey, hexglass! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review.

First of all, the layout was unique but in no way at all discouraging. I found that it matched the nature of the poem. Disorganised and modern, it was amazing. Great Job!

In regards to criticism, I really failed to understand the meaning overall being the poem-- or rather, why you chose to associate food with the meaning. At the end, you do state

the heat digests me


so the association of food is clearly the introduction to the use of "digest" but again, I fail to see how digestion links into "heat". Perhaps it is just my poetry-deprived mind that fails to understand its ways (I apologise for that lack of experience).

Although, I did very much enjoy the last line, where you included

I embrace the mouth it hungers with


It was an amazing climax for the poem, her/him accepting the situation.

Great work! :)

Keep writing! <3

- ScytheMeister




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624 Reviews

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Tue Mar 07, 2017 8:52 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Herbgirl! Casanova here to do a review for you!

The first thing I'd like to say is just wow, this is leaps ahead of former pieces of yours that I've read, and I was rather impressed and daunted by that fact. It makes reviewing you rather more hard, but I'm up for the challenge. Anyway, to the review!

oh, I am reminded of the time, in the 5 o'clock dusk of summer swallowing itself with a heat so ragged it could tear my jazz piece into contemporary, just to chip my teeth on loss, yet brokenness fragment- but I am not broken, you'd be surprised; our lives whir by too quickly for this.


That was a monster to type out. Anyway, let's start with the beginning. You start this off by saying you are reminded of the time- yet it seems that you're more talking about the present rather than a previous time, and I felt like that was a bit odd? I could have just read it wrong or misunderstood something, but in one sentence you go from a previous stand point to a present standpoint, and I just felt like that was rather off.

The next thing was,"yet brokenness fragment," felt rather off right after saying you chipped your tooth. I think it would be enough to infer it with,"just to chip my teeth," instead of coming right out and saying it in the next part, if that makes any sense? Anyway, onward.

yes, in a way, the the barre is my lover and we rendez-vouz in this shimmering dusk


Rather well put, and I enjoyed these lines, so props for that. Anyway, onward.

the heat digest me and I embrace the mouth it hungers with,


I think that this is a perfect ending to this, and I can't think of any other way this would work.

All in all I think you have a really good poem here with just a few minor things, and I can't wait to see what else you have to offer to the poetry sections.

I think that's all I have on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




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10 Reviews

Points: 25
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Sun Mar 05, 2017 6:23 am
hexglass says...



context





"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne