Sweltering rays of sunlight floated through the attic window, slowly baking my shoulders as I hunched over the cardboard box. My fingers hesitated as I ran them along the flimsy flap, stopping for a moment to pick at one of the corner’s frayed edges. I should’ve never told him.
“Come on, just open it.” Kade snapped.
Hesitantly I lifted the flap, a little at first, and then threw it to the side, flinging a stale, musty powder into the air. I coughed and fanned my hand around my face.
When the air cleared, disappointment was written plainly across his face. “Paintings? Mal, I thought you had something cool to show me.”
“Patience,” I said. While I combed through the stack of century old artwork, Kade stood up to inspect other parts of the room. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as he pilfered through a few of the hundreds of other boxes mounded against the walls. Finally I spotted the parchment’s curled edge and snatched it between my fingers.
For several long seconds I stared at its vivid strokes of color. I could feel the passion behind every dash and swirl; I could hear the music hiding in every craftily mixed hue. Sea foam green. Raging red. Crayon blue. The abstract was of nothing apparent; it was a complex mixture of every emotion that refused to make itself transparent to the mind.
“Kade, come here.”
He meandered over to where I was crouched. “Your grandparents have some pretty neat stuff up here.” he said. “Do you think your dad would let me look through the model cars? I’d pay for ‘em.” He reached out to spin a globe resting on the scratched and paint-flecked surface of a rickety oak desk. My grandmother’s writing desk. A lump formed in my throat and suddenly it became much harder to inhale the stagnant air.
Even though it had barely been a month since her death, her kids (Aunt Karlee, Uncle John, and my dear ole’ daddy, Daniel) were already stripping her home of its valuables. It was sickening watching them scrap for the largest heap of bones like a pack of mangy mutts; overnight they had transformed from kind-hearted siblings into bitter, greedy rivals.
I was hurt, but not surprised, that they hadn’t taken her desk. It wasn’t anything they could exchange for a quick dollar. They’d have to beg a person to take the beaten down thing. It would soon belong to whoever bought the estate. In fact, tomorrow the realtor would be giving potential buyers a tour of the house. The thought of them viewing this priceless piece of my grandmother as trash to only discard after moving in made me sick.
“I’ll ask him,” I said half mindedly. “This is the one.” I held it up in the air.
His curious silver eyes studied it for a moment, and then he tilted his head. “Yeah, that looks pretty cool, but why’d you drag me all the way here to see it?”
“Watch.” I did what I had watched my grandma do three months before. I pressed my finger into a protruding yellow ridge of paint, and then I began the clock-wise ovular motion of tracing my finger around the painting.
One. Nothing happened. Kade smirked. Two. The edge of the paper let off a dim glow. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kade’s eyes widen, and I smiled. Three. The shapes and lines began to move and transform into something different all together. I stopped. The colorful segments kept changing until they mutated into a spiral that continued to whirl as I spoke.
“When do you want to go?” I asked.
“What? How?” He shook his head in disbelief. “What’s happening?!” he shouted.
“Calm down, you big baby. When do you want to go?”
“What do you mean?!” he cried.
“Fine then. Let’s go to where all of this started…” I grabbed his hand and touched the center of the spiral. I could already feel it tugging me downwards.
“Tomorrow.”
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Howdy Hermione! I hope you don't mind yet another review on this piece - I prefer prose over poetry.
Darn, I didn't realize I'd be up against Carlito's review! She's too good. I'm sorry in advance if I repeat anything the others said.
I'd use a little dialogue tag at the end of the MC's thought. Just a simple "I thought" will do.
Just a recommendation: the first word isn't necessary. Also, the description of the stale, musty powder inferences that this box hasn't been opened in a long time. But when you say later that "I did what I had watched my grandma do three months before" tells us that her grandmother had been in the box a short time ago. Perhaps it's the old paintings that haven't really been touched and it's them that collect the musty odor, but it's something to think about. I know the exact stale and musty powder you're talking about though; it's everywhere in an antique shop.
With too many adjectives and without any punctuation - and therefore without any pauses - this sentence is a mouthful. It's a darn good description of a desk, though. I'd simplify it to something like this: "He reached out to skim his hand along the scratched and paint-flecked surface of an oak desk." You added the globe so that Kade has a better reason to reach out to the desk and draw the MC's attention towards it, but in the end the globe has no significance and it's okay to get rid of it. Of course, you can do a little more fiddling with the sentence and maybe split it in two to save the mention of the globe. (Save the earth! xD)
Also, one thing you could add in there about the desk is this: what did her grandmother use it for? Did she write stories? Letters? Did she read and take notes? Knowing what she used it for can help to characterize her grandmother.
Normally I'd advise against parenthesis, but here you managed them in an effective way. Nice job!
I don't know. I don't like this sentence. For one thing, we already know that it's beaten down. How about just "They'd have to beg someone to take it."
Probably my favorite part about this first chapter is the strong connection between the MC and her deceased grandmother. As this book progresses, please be sure to keep this bond prominent, even though her grandmother has passed away. Character bonds like this are very important. I'd like to get to know what her grandmother was like through stories the MC might tell to Kade or through day-dreaming and the like.
Speaking of character bonds, who's this Kade guy? Is he a very close friend, whose irritable personality manages to compliment the MC's patience? He seems pretty annoying, but you've characterized him extremely well so far. But I'm curious as to why the MC trusts him enough to show her grandmother's secret time-traveling painting to him. Not only show it to him, really, but demonstrate how it works! There needs to be a motive. Maybe she wanted to prove to Kade that her grandmother was epic. Maybe she was tired of keeping such a big secret and she wanted to get it off her chest. Maybe her tongue slipped and she let out too much information. Whatever the motive is, perhaps you should emphasize it in this chapter. I should’ve never told him. That part was good. But what made her tell him?
As you're probably tired of hearing from other reviewers, this chapter was short. Instead of starting where you did, with the MC opening up the box, why don't you take it back a little, even if it's ever so slightly? Maybe the MC can be leading Kade up the stairs, and at that point you can give a proper, overall description of the attic. Or you can begin with where the MC tells Kade about the painting. That'd be a pretty nice hook.
"What's up in the attic?" Kade asked. "Just a bunch of junk?"
I bristled. My grandmother's stuff was not junk. Especially not what she showed me a few months ago...
What I'm really excited for is the fact that you have "Historical Fiction" set as one of the genres. Yuuus. I adore historical fiction. Although time-traveling is very common in sci-fi, fantasy, and historical fiction books, you can have so much fun with it! I can trust that you'll be keeping this book far from cliché, as the first chapter is already very unique. Please notify me when you post the next chapter! I'm already looking forward to reading some more of your writing. You have a gift with descriptions.
Write, write, write!
Hello! I'm here for the big review!
(I didn't read the other reviews, so I'm really sorry if I repeat something that was already said!)
This chapter is quite short, and I'm a little curious about what happens before this point. I'm glad you took us right into the story without wasting time on back story or frivolous details. However, I think if you're looking to add more (and you have the space to do so if you want to) this is where to do it.
Where are they? What are they doing there? "The cardboard box" means it's a specific box, which implies she's accessed this box before. How often? How long has she known about it? Why is she bringing Kade here now? What's her relationship to Kade?
You don't have to try and answer all of those questions, but you can use them as jumping off points.
For how short of a chapter this is, you do a really nice job with characterization. This is one example of how you do a good job with this. The little detail "Kade snapped" shows us a lot in terms of his personality. He's impatient and irritable.
I only point this out because this is a really lovely little paragraph - nice description and action. But can you do it without the adverb at the beginning? People have mixed views on adverbs, and I'm guilty of using them, too. Here, I think the sentence would sound a little stronger and a little more active without the adverb. You don't necessarily have to get rid of that little description, but you can phrase it in such a way that the adverb isn't necessary.
Even though he's not the most pleasant character in the entire world, he feels really real. His dialogue is really authentic and it's giving us a nice picture of who this guy is.
And, I'm feeling this character, too. It says something about her personality and her character that she doesn't jump down his through when he's a little on the rude side. Either she's a really patient, understanding person, or she's used to this from Kade and it doesn't bother her anymore.
This is another thing you could incorporate into that extended beginning, should you choose to go that route. I'd like a little more information about where they are. How big of a space is it? How cluttered is it? What kinds of things are in there? Where is this space located? (You go into a little more later on, but I think it might be beneficial to have it sooner so we have some context for what they're doing).
You have a great vocabulary! I love your use of "pilfered"
This is pretty nit-picky, but these color descriptions bothered me a little. Sea foam green, okay that's a real color, or I suppose a color I'm familiar with. Raging red? The alliteration is cool, but other than that I'm not sure what this color is. Is it a really bright red? Dark? Vivid? Same with crayon blue. What's crayon blue? Simple blue? Ocean blue? Dark blue? Bright blue?
I'm not sure this is necessary. It's a little redundant while also being a little contradictory. In this paragraph we've already seen that this painting is abstract because there are "vivid strokes of color" and you mention "dashes and swirls". To me, that screams abstract. In this paragraph, the girl says she can feel the passion and hear the music in the painting. Yet here, the painting has a mixture of emotions that aren't apparent to the mind. That feels contradictory to me. Everything after the semi-colon is also worded kind of funny, in my opinion (so that might be part of my problem). It reads a little confusing to me.
Tone?
Beautiful description and beautiful reaction. I can really feel the love this narrator has for her grandmother and the pain she's experiencing now.
I think I would take out the subsequent two paragraphs of back-story. There's some interesting stuff in there that can (and probably should) be added in later). However, right now I want some mystery. I want lots of incentives and reasons to keep reading because of the beautiful layers you're creating. This is an interesting layer. Taking out the little back story will make me wonder why this desk matters so much to her and how it ended up in this space (attic?) and why it's still here. The introduction of the family, while it's interesting, just adds more characters we have to remember and more factoids and details we have to remember right from the get-go, when we really just want to get into the story.
Specify what "it" is. Also, what's her tone when she says 'this is the one'? I'm guessing it's different from the first piece of half-minded dialogue.
Another little side note - "half mindedly". I'm not 100% sure what that means, and it's an adverb. Can you think of a different way to describe how she's saying this line that's maybe a tad more descriptive?
So this is a sci-fi, and for all I know his eyes could literally be silver. If that's the case, okay. If this is a fancy way to describe grey eyes, just say grey eyes. No need to get fancy with color descriptions
I'm struggling with "ovular motion". I'm not entirely sure what it means, and my brain is taking it in weird directions :p
I liked how you structured this paragraph with the combo of short sentences, longer sentences, and one word sentences. Very punchy, and builds intensity
Tone and/or action? Is she happy? Is she smiling? You do a really nice job of giving little descriptions when Kade speaks, and I'd like that for her as well.
This ending felt a little abrupt to me. I'm glad we got right into things, but it also felt a little fast.
This whole chapter felt short (which I know you mentioned in the little description thing about it) and a little bland. You have great descriptions and you're a good writer (especially for being 14! For real! Hoooooow? :p) but I want more. You could add in some more action that reveals more about the characters and their personalities. Like what were they doing before this scene started and why did they come here? I already mentioned setting up the setting a little bit more. Other than that, I think I just want to know more about your MC. I want more personality out of her. The only real emotion I get from her is with the mention of her grandmother's desk. Kade is great. I want the same for her.
I think you have an interesting premise here. Time travel is done a lot in fiction. I don't even read a lot of sci-fi and I know that :p. However, in the (limited) reading I've done involving time travel, I've never seen it done like this. It sort of reminds me of the Magic Treehouse books premise, but not really. They use books, and here it's a painting, which is cool!
One thing to think about as you continue this story (which I hope you have done/are planning on doing!) is your general theory behind the time travel. You should have some idea about how all of this works from a technical stand-point because readers are going to be curious and readers are going to ask. All of the technical details may or may not actually make it into the story, but you as the writer can never know too many details about the story and the world.
Hope that was at least a little helpful, and I hope I didn't repeat anything that was already mentioned
Hey there, Hermione~! I'm here for that The Big Review review that's due. Let's get started.
Oh, and since you have so many other great reviews already, forgive me if I reiterate any things that they may have mentioned, as I feel they are important and are worth bringing up again.
First off, this part feels rather empty. Fluff-filled rather than the meaty stuff we want to be able to eat up as readers. As Megrim mentioned, I'm not pulled in at the beginning nor do I feel compelled to read forward more. You set the scene perfectly well -- perhaps a little too descriptive, but I'll get more on that later -- and we start getting an interaction between Kade and the main character, but it seems so out of place to what's going on. And then the ending came, I felt so suddenly lost. It jumped out of nowhere. Time travel, what? I thought we were going to learn more about a dead grandma.
Again, like Megrim mentioned, it would help much more to start closer to the time travel aspect. Or more so the thoughts of it. In the beginning, it's very obvious the main character is keeping something from us, but it doesn't make much sense why. It would serve much better to out right tell us about the time travel and bait us forward with the prospect of knowing more. Tease us with spinets, glimpses at what is to come so that we're excited for the dramatic reveal, rather than throwing it into our face before we even understand.
I'm not really sure how I feel about introducing all this backstory right now. As of now, none of it appears very relevant and it only pulls us away more from what you intend to reveal so that we're startled rather than awed. Once again, snippets would help. Expanding on the idea also through the internal dialogue of the character. This way, we can be pleasantly shocked rather than confused.
As I've rambled about that enough -- because it bothered me quite a bit >.> -- I'll move on to the descriptions. Pompadour has mentioned that it can be a detriment to use too many adjectives when describing, and I agree. Stronger nouns could help, perhaps more use of tone to set mood rather than using descriptions, but that's in general. I have received some fantastic advice before, which I struggle with now, but that is to create a sort of constant around which you describe something. An example could be that you want to create a airy, light feel around something, so you compare things with clouds, the sky, sunlight, bird, etc. As it's a lot easier said than done, I suggest to try it out some and play around with wording.
Let's take an example from your writing:
As both of these are very strong words and they give a very distinct feel around them. However, they don't really pair up. Sweltering makes me think of harsh, brutal heat and then floated is more light, relaxed movements. Just from these two words, the first line already seems to contradict itself. It's not horrible and quite a difficult thing to do, so don't be discouraged! Just be aware~
As this is first person, this gives you the perfect opportunity to really create a voice around your character. Whether it is strong and commanding, given with blunt narration and surrounding confidence, or weak and uncertain, with whimsical narration that drifts around as the narrator shies away, first person gives you the opportunity of inner dialogue. With this inner dialogue, you can show us how the character is, you can make them deeper rooted into our minds and hearts and have us willing them on no matter what they do. It may help with characterization of the main character by adding in emotion to the narration and a second layer to it rather than just description and actions that are going on. At this point, I'm not really sure how to feel about the main character. Perhaps that will develop more as the novel goes on, as we're not given much to work with here.
Which leads me to my next point. This is rather short. It doesn't feel like a first chapter. Plus what was already said about not really gripping, nothing much happens in this little space. Sure, we discover the time travel, but we don't learn much about the characters. Now, it is important to get to the action and tease us with the time travel before we get to it, but other things are important too. Like getting to know the characters. As of now, it feels like a lot of things are happening because we're hit so directly with lots of information. Grandma dying, siblings taking all her stuff, the house is being sold -- seems important -- but then completely disregarded with the time traveling painting and them going inside. Perhaps before all this, take some time to introduce us to Kade more, show us their relationship. Maybe even scoot it back to when she told him?
Oh, and a quick little nit pick:
"When do you want to go" is a very ambiguous question. It can mean several things, and the main character completely disregards that. Now, that can be okay if you cushion it with a little more one-sidedness with inner dialogue, but she doesn't even bother to rephrase the question, just goes up and says, "Well, you don't understand what I'm saying, but I'll decide for you anyway~" At first, I even thought she meant "When do you want to do this" not "What point in time do you want to go to?" Saying it at first like that is fine, but perhaps have her clarify a bit more the second before dragging him along when he doesn't understand.
Overall, it was really short and sweet. You have lovely descriptions, and with a little bit of touch up, they'll be perfect~ Best of luck to you, and if anything I said confused you or was completely wrong, please feel free to PM me and ask about it.
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfe
Hello~ You've got some pretty great reviews here, but I thought I'd drop by to talk about description and writing style--general things.
Happy Review Day!
So I've noticed that you have quite the propensity for adjectives, and while I have nothing against using adjectives (within reason) I feel like there's quite an onslaught of descriptory words in the first paragraph. A lot of the adjectives also verge on ill-suited, such as when you describe the rays of sun as 'sweltering'; how is a beam of light uncomfortably hot? The effect they produce can be described as such, but to call a ray of light 'sweltering' just seems clunky. Besides this, I'd advise you to cut down on the adverbs and 'jectives because they can become a tad overused. I have nothing against description in general, but try mixing it up a little by employing sensory explorations where you can feel the stale adjectives weighing you down. I notice that this is only an issue in your first paragraph; the rest of the piece is more or less a fine mesh of description with scene, and it flows smoothly.
Your plot interests me. I really cannot judge at the moment if it falls under the cliché category, but I do hope you'll be giving the whole time-traveling gig your own spin. That being said, I felt that although this worked as an introductory chapter, it lacked a lot of roots in setting and character-info, with which we must be acquainted with--to a degree--if we're to progress further. Also, after you've succeeded in 'hooking' your reader, it's good to subtly insert information--need-to-knows, basically. This is to prevent your novel from becoming victim to a a massive info-dump in later chapters, where your reader really needs to develop an understanding of the A) the characters, B) theirrelationships with one another, and C) the setting and background of the story, as well as the fantastical workings of zis society. I'd like it if we weren't thrown headfirst into the adventure before we got to understand the narrator and Kade a little, too, perhaps through a little more dialogue, or introspection. Seeing as this is first person perspective, there is always room for introspection! It's also an engaging way of getting the trader to understand your world, via your main character's thoughts.
That being said, I'm going to agree with what Megrim said about this chappie lacking a proper hook ... but the thing is, there is also so much that is left ambiguous concerning the MC that I don't know how you can hurl us straight into the happenings without any character development. I'm torn. I guess a general piece of advice would be to introduce the painting's real function earlier on, or even hint at it, perhaps with Narrator making a teasing remark at Kade, some interaction, or even our getting into Narrator's head. I'm also going to reiterate what Megrim said about avoiding superfluous information, if your novel is really dependent on plot to propel it forward: focus on character development through more direct methods, aka methods which coincide greatly with the current happenings essential to moving the story forward.
Besides that, one grammar-related iffy I spotted had to do with your dialogue: When following dialogue with a dialogue tag ('said', 'shouted', 'yelled', etc.), the end punctuation should be a comma instead of a period. Take a look at this article. Another suggestion would be to use the tag 'said' as often as you can, because multiple tags just distract from the actual dialogue.
Overall, I liked this. It felt a bit sparse, although I suppose that's natural for a first draft, but your writing style is pleasant and the story is intriguing. Interested to see where you take this from here; keep me updated!
Hope this proves helpful to you! Keep writing! Keep up the great work!
Cheers~
~Pomp c:
Thanks for the review, Pompadour! I agree with you on the fact that I use way too many adjectives; it's a habit I've been trying to fight for a long time. My next chapter will be a blast to the past so to speak, and it will explain a lot about the painting (how it works, how Mallory's grandmother came to have it in her possession, and how it came to be). I'll continue to work on this chapter to give it a better hook. Thanks again!
Hey there!
Good start! I like how casual you've made the scene out to be, just kids being kids, but then smashing that with the concept of a time travel relic? Simply brilliant, honestly I did not see that coming!
Just a few pointers here and there:
Change 'ole' to ol' as you have missed out a letter, but still this is a good use of casual dialogue, you've captured the eye of your average person, so good work!
Also put a comma in between 'sickening' and 'watching'.
But overall this is a great start, and I'd absolutely love it if in the second chapter they travel to the Ancient World, I do love a bit of History.
I also like the way you've built suspense, when he was counting I held my breath for a moment, thinking something bad was going to happen.
Like I said great start and I can't wait for the second chapter!
LordofLit101
I plan on my characters eventually travelling to the ancient world, but in chapter two, they will be travelling forward in time one day. Thanks for your review!
Hi there! Fun start. I like the use of the spirally painting as a time traveling device. I also like the opening, starting with the heat of the sun and opening the cardboard box. I stumbled on this one after looking at like 5 in a row that started with the character waking up, so it's a refreshing change.
That said, I felt the story was a bit slow to get going. There was nice imagery, some interesting backstory, and you introduced both of the characters, yet for some reason my interest was waning. I think it's because there wasn't any tension or driving force to keep reading. I trust that The Plot is coming because it's a first chapter, but other than that, the beginning could just as easily be A Day In The Life as it is the opening to an epic story. Things are low key, the characters are getting along, and in general I didn't find anything grabbing me emotionally. There was curiosity, definitely, but I wasn't worried for the characters or anxious about what would happen or, in general, I would say I didn't have a feeling of "OMG what's going to happen?!" It didn't seem like anything really got going until right at the end.
In a similar vein, there seemed to be superfluous information--which may not actually be superfluous, it just doesn't tie in well to the scene, particularly when you take into account what I was just saying as well. Essentially, I'm already waiting for something to hook me, but instead of drama or action, we get a conversation about wanting to buy model cars. Or we go back in time to set things up for the story present. But what I want is to move forward. This being the first chapter of your whole novel, it's your chance to grab the reader by the shirt collar and drag them onward page after page, willingly or otherwise. Sink your teeth into us and don't let go. Sure, later on the reader will have developed some trust so you have more leeway with slow scenes. For now, I'm looking to be hooked, and if it's on a bookshelf at the store or a free sample on Amazon, that might mean you only get 2-3 paragraphs to do so. I don't mean guns and explosions, but I do like some immediate conflict. Things not going well, secrets, things pitted against each other, unease. I've heard advice that suggests starting right at the life-changing moment, and similar advice phrased "Start the story as late as possible."
Are the model cars significant to the plot, or only meant to show character? That part of the conversation really stood out to me as being out of place. Even if they are super important, is there a way they can be mentioned more subtly?
My only other thought while reading was that the last little bit made me feel like I'd been kept out of the loop. We had this whole scene in first persoon, where supposedly we're in the narrator's head and privy to her thoughts, then out of nowhere there's this big reveal that she has a lot of extra knowledge. There are other motives at play that the character knows but the reader doesn't. If it were a more distant point of view, third limited or especially omniscient, I wouldn't mind as much. But in first person, I feel almost... lied to? Lied to by omission, I guess. Perhaps we could get some thoughts early on in the chapter about her plans? Memories or experiences from her previous (?) time-traveling? Some hints just so it's not so out of the blue when she says "Let's go to where all of this started."
Thanks for sharing, and happy writing!
I put the bit about the model cars in there to show Kade's character (he gets distracted easily), so it wasn't completely random. I will work on revising this to add more immediate conflict, because I agree with you that there isn't much of a hook. Your review was extremely helpful. Thank you.
*Pressing the "like" button*
This was a very-well written piece. The words you used were very good. I liked your style of writing. This story was a very creative one. As usual, it was not my cup of tea, but I liked it.
"
Your grandparents have some pretty neat stuff up here." he said.
Please add a comma after "here".
Good job.
Good luck and keep writing!!
Thanks for your review and the like!
Hi Hermione,
Oooh, time travel! Fun~
Alright, I like the start. We only scrape the surfaces of the characters: Kade is a bit bored with interesting things like paintings, while Mal cares about her grandmother's belongings and what other people do with them. I do hope we get more in depth as the story progresses, but we do get a pretty good first impression.
Since this is a thought, "I never should've told him" is more natural, as it's just what the character casually thinks. The way you have it is a bit unusual and rather formal sounding.
Mounded against the walls sounds really weird to me, and I'm not sure if it's correct. I would go with, "boxes in mounds against the walls" or "boxes piled against the walls" instead.
Just need a comma after him instead of a period.
I always did love that word ovular. Great job of painting the image of time travel! A rather unique way, as I haven't read about people time traveling using ancient abstract paintings before. Well done!
Overall, great job! I look forward to reading and reviewing more if you keep it going.
Have fun and write on,
-Falco
Thanks for your review! I'll make the corrections.