Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Darkness had embraced us all, staining our minds with war and vengeance, spilling its seed of betrayal upon our hands. Blades throbbed in many victims hearts as they spilled their denial, kissing their last breath of life, and all I had done was watch my home; my kingdom fall into Hell’s hands, engulfing it with its flaming tongue, raping Heaven. I watched the two kingdoms collide and crumble into each other, killing the angels and demons that were still trapped in both empires. Explosions surged out from the ground blowing off one of the guardian's head, spleens were cut out, spines were were plucked by the Devil’s mistress’s. Angels were hung by their necks; ripping their skin, gouging out their eyes with bare knives and claws! Cutting their wings slice by slice by slice! Feasting on flesh, pinning their entrails on trees that weep with revolting pleasure! The sky began to vomit all it’s rage upon us, the messengers were finally arriving.
The dark angels pierced out the black sky like missiles, flying towards us; aiming their arrows at targets from below. One Dark angel named Snow, glided across the sky swiftly, targeting one of the demons who had snapped their guardian angels in half. The angel bled, her golden locks of hair stained with crimson ink, that had begun to ooze gradually down her waist. Nothing was left of her, but a hollow body.
The demon swirled his head around 360 degrees, glaring up at the sky straight at snow.
Snow jolted feeling the chill of the demons breath, who was miles away.
The fiend smiled maliciously, ripping off the angels head, licking the angelic blood that had once been so pure. Snow gritted his teeth; roaring as he stabbed through the air, with his wings being his guide.
Wind smacked his face as if to shame him for watching one of his own be killed by a reckless beast. He couldn’t take the guilt any longer, the image kept repeating over and over, drowning his thoughts! Finally; his hand mutating, begun to expand its bones, and sharpen into a form of a talon. With his claw completely developed, he jabbed his incisors through the demons thick neck, and punctured his talons through his face, crushing whatever had lived within its skull.
* * *
The dark angels were getting ready to land, all wings unfurled and punctured into the two slits marked on their backs, protecting their majestic wings. Feet gracefully kissing against the tall lifeless grass.
Snow had met the eyes of another angel, she was one of the fallens who had took their side one month ago. Her face was flawless, and pale, which showed off her astounding emerald colored eyes. The ladies hair tumbled over her shoulder, caressing her curved waste, and taut thighs. The moon gleamed brightly against her black hair, that reflected a deep blue color. She was a beauty. The lady known by the name L, grinned shyly in a way that bewildered Snow. Something about her smile, seemed to be filled with uncertainty.
* * *
They took off into the abyss where Heaven and Hell had collided, nebulae-like-lights beamed outward and licked the dark sky, illuminating all that had touched this streaming tongue of life and death. I began to envy all beauty. The lights transcended, and kissed the palm of my hand. All I wanted was to get away from this light and return to my shell, but it was too late I was already exposed, the light stripped me out of my own skin. I feel hate, neglect, naked with lies. “I’m here for one reason and one reason only,” I reminded myself. “Cut the flesh clean, burn all enemies, and win this war.” L then flies towards the battlefield, pulling out both pistols to spot-check the amount of ammo she had left. L engraved all the bullets with a cross-like symbol, and shove them back into their rightful place. I suddenly feel the electrifying power running in the veins of the battlefield, seeing angels, guardians, demons, announcers, nephilims and many others fighting against each other, trying to survive.
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The idea is really interesting. I've always enjoyed reading stories about the struggle between heaven and hell, and the creatures that exist in these two separate realms. One mistake that I noticed was in the first paragraph, where you wrote "spines were were plucked." Another sentence that I found somewhat confusing was where you wrote "Snow jolted feeling the chill of the demons breath." These were the only problems that popped out at me while reading it.
Overall, I think there is a lot of potential for turning this into a complete story. I think you could turn this into a several part story, and if you choose to do so, I'll definitely be reading it!
Thank you for reading and critiquing, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I am most likely going to make this into a book. Thanks again!
Hey!
I really love this; your imagery is amazing throughout, which is difficult to maintain, so kudos to you! There are a few grammar errors you might want to looks over--pretty minor, considering--and in the first paragraph I noticed you had three sentences in a row that ended with exclamation marks. This disrupts flow, and causes readers to stop and take the lines less seriously; just a warning there, in case you weren't aware of it.
For some reason, while I was reading this, I thought of the setting as one of those eerie, red-sky rock spire fields with castles built into the mountains. I have no idea what Hell even looks like--I'm not religious, I don't study the geography of the afterlife, even if the afterlife itself intrigues me--but that's just how I imagined it.
Even though it is a cliche topic--angels against demons--I'm sure you'll think of great ideas to separate it from the basic idea. I can see already that this will turn out great; you should definitely consider turning it into a book, at least as a test-novel, if not more.
Great job (as always... I've read your other works, just not gotten around to reviewing any) and keep writing!
Ha ha thanks, I'm not religious also, so what I was planning was to change everything what other people believe in and make it my own, which I'm afraid some may get offended. But what's the point of writing when you have rules or limits! XD Writing should not have limits with people imagination. Anyways thank you for critiquing, and I noticed the grammar mistakes, It was a rough draft anyways to see what others thought about it so I'll fix once I get started with the actual story, and don't worry the angel and demon thing will be totally different I despise cliche and try to avoid at much as possible XD Thanks!
Right then...
I really like this entire idea of angels versus demons, I'm really interested in this stuff. Seeing as it's an idea at this stage, there isn't much plot to pick up on, except, from what I can see, which really excites me. This seems a little like Darksiders, which was an amazing game, but if you were to take this on further, it would easily distinguish itself. A war between heaven and hell, while clichéd, is still a good basis for a storyline, provided it has something nothing else has. Perhaps Snow is a commander?
The setting is a little confusing for me- I understand that Heaven and Hell have collided, but I don't understand what the battlefield actually looks like. The first section has about the two places colliding, and a load of explosions, and then the last section says the angels are flying into an abyss. Did Heaven fall into Hell? Did they hit like cruise ships? It might just be a bit of physical description, but some people like it low. Personally, I like it high. Since this is essentially an alpha, it's obvious things will be switched around. Do what you think will help the story the most.
Language is good, reflecting first and third person. Adjectives are placed at the best points, and the description of the thoughts are nice. Grammar is mostly OK, a couple of hiccups, but everyone does that.
Anyway, in summary, I think this'll work well as a full-blown story, and I think I'll be following this eagerly, should you decide to.
Thank you for your advice it was really helpful,
I did not know how I wanted the battlefield to look yet, but you are in the right track that heaven is being swallowed by hell, slowly being destroyed (I should probably make that more clear in the story
sorry) But I'm glad you enjoyed the idea, I was afraid people would disprove of my idea. But now that I know it could be a great story I will continue to write, but into a book form!
and your also correct about Snow being the commander! Once again think you so much!