Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
About two years ago I was just a fifteen year old girl, now I'm not so little anymore. Lucille stood in front of the mirror, scrutinizing herself, finally absorbing this new "creature" who had taken away her childish features. Lucille's jet black hair smothered her pale face, caressing the sides of her taut thighs, the only color that had shone through her deathlike appearance were her emerald eyes, and blushing lips. Her eyes trailed across her slim body, as she spun around glancing, she felt a bit frail, as if she would shatter any second. Lucille ceased movement, when will they ever grow? She thought to herself. Lucille frowned at her unexposed breast, glaring at them, as if her penetrating stare would force them to increase in size. They were at least a size B!
Lucille sighed, throwing on her charcoal colored tank top, and black jeans. How can a baby girl change so suddenly? She thought in exactly two weeks I’m going to be an established adult, the big “one-eight” every teen yearns for, but not me. I don’t feel ready. I’m not ready.
“Hey there gorgeous.” The young man’s voice came from behind her. Lucille veered quickly not expecting company.
“Oh Dante. It’s just you.” Lucille flung herself onto her bed burying her face in plush pillows that smelled of rain and purple orchids. “What do you need?” She asked in a mumbling voice.
Dante looked down at Lucille and lied beside her, stroking her lengthy hair. “It’s nothin’ girl I just wanted to tell you that I got your whole birthday planned out baby!” He chuckled in excitement.
Lucille raised her head and looked straight at him, arching a brow. “What do you have in mind?”
“Mm girl it’s delicious. We’re gonna go shoppin’ for some cute clothes for me and some sexy clothes for you; I can just see it now! Lucille walking down those streets showing off her slim body, boys checkin’ her out! Can you feel the heat!?” He laughed hysterically along with Lucille.
Lucille covered her blushing cheeks. “That would be embarrassing.” She chuckled.
Dante wiped a few joyful tears away. “And then we’re heading straight to the hottest club in the city Lucille, we’re going to drink some tequila’s, dance, sit back, party some more, and the best part.” Dante winked at Lucille and growled flirtatiously. “You and I are going to hunt some boys, wrap them around our little fingers, and take them “down town.”” Dante elbowed Lucille gently. “If you get my drift.”
“Oh my god!” Lucille laughed hysterically as she bashed pillows against Dante's chest.
I don’t know what I would do without Dante by my side, he’s the only guy in the building that gets how I feel and think.
I finally stopped laughing and relaxed beside him. “You make eighteen sound less frightening then it is Dante. What would I do without you?” I grinned delightfully.
Dante got up. “Girl we both know you can’t live without me, I was your favorite “blankie” when you first set foot in this mental asylum.” He chuckled. “I’m the gayest, most sexiest, most amusing son of a bitch that had ever roamed these streets, remember that.”
Lucille giggled. “I don’t think I have to.”
“Well I’m gonna leave you be… for now.” He snorted and shut the door behind him.
Lucille still layed there frozen suddenly thinking about the past, about Victor and Castell. They just never get along. They’re brothers, but they seem to have an uneasy chemistry. Victor was always kind to me since the day I first set foot at their door step, and he had always treated me as if I was his sister. Castell on the other hand never spoke a word, I never heard his voice, and the only time he looked at me was that very day I entered through their doors, he looked repulsed by me. Even though I feel Castell and Victor are truly brothers, something deep inside still tugs at my knowledge.
Lucille arose from the bed and opened her right side-drawer scrambling through journals, bracelets, ribbons and torn rose petals. She pulled out an old photo that she took of the whole family. Dante stood beside the mother; Anastasia. She had dark brown hair that reached along her waste with bright amber eyes. Beside Anastasia was her husband; Edwin. He had slick brown hair and bright amber eyes that shown a tint of orange around his iris. There was also another lady with large red curls that reached down to her hips that exaggerated her dark chocolate eyes, her name was Arora. Beside her was Victor. An elegant, proper-looking creature that was well-mannered. His dark caramel hair slick back in perfect proportion with dark honey-like colored eyes that brightened into a smile. Everyone stood close to each other as a family, but where was Castell? Way in the corner he stood frowning and glaring away from the camera. Castell was peculiar, mysterious, and silent. His appearance even blended well with his personality, his black hair flipped to one side; straight, yet wild, his eyes was a silver-violet, and the most mind-boggling feature of all… he never aged one bit, he still looked as flawless as the day I entered the family’s territory. Beautiful.
Lucille held the photo against her chest and fell upon her bed once more. She raised the photo at eye level, staring at Castell.
Castell’s expression had anger and disgust, but the deeper I gazed at him in the photo, the more dejected his eyes became. There was something in there, deep within him that he didn’t want anyone to see. Something so painful, something I needed to heal and comfort.
Tears drowned Lucille’s eyes. She threw the photo back into the drawer, and closed it shut.
She scurried around the room bewildered by her reaction.
“Why am I … c-crying?” She whispered to herself. She wiped away her tears and exited her bedroom, beginning to feel the tremors of hunger. She listened around her as she went straight down the stairs. Voices started to surpass the silence and laughter pierced the air as she went further down.
“Well hello Lucille, how did you sleep last night?” Anastasia looked up at Lucille from the dining area.
Lucille pulled out one of the chairs, and sat down besides Arora. “I couldn’t sleep, but I’m fine.”
Victor sat across from Lucille and held her hand tightly. He seemed worried. “Are you sure you’re alright? You look pale as the dead.”
I smiled earnestly at Victor’s concern. “Nothing’s wrong, trust me. I’m just nervous about turning eighteen that’s all.” I released my hand from his, and began to eat my breakfast.
“Ah I see. Well I’m excited about turning eighteen, I’ll finally be strong, developed, and the best part.” Victor sipped his sugared tea. “I’ll finally be able to use my-
“Brain.” A man groaned coming from the stairs.
Lucille swerved her head, and met Castell’s warm, succulent eyes. He met her gaze as he did once long ago.
“Oh.” Lucille held her breath and swung her gaze back onto her meal, blushing.
Castell took the last seat beside Lucille, meeting Victor’s gaze.
“You always had an odd sense of humor Castell, say when will you start acting like a real brother?” Victor spat out with a widened smile.
Castell stabbed the knife into the table, not in the mood for Victor’s immaturity. Lucille trembled. “When will you start growing up, and show some effort in this family!” Castell growled in fury.
Victor’s smile faded. “Well at least I’m not the one that mopes around this house in love with some dead girlfriend, which; by the way, won’t ever come back. Then you turn around and blame everyone around you, giving them the silent treatment, letting them carry the heavy burden, and treating them like garbage. At least I’m not you. You sit here and sulk all day, but is that bringing her back Castell?”
Castell’s fist became firmer. Lucille muddled; searched Castell’s expressions, but could only see his dejected eyes yanking at her heartstrings. He’s still trapped in his past?
“Well? Is it?” Victor smirked a bit.
Castell’s fist loosened as Lucille tugged at the bottom of his jacket.
“Is that all you can say? You don’t know what I’ve been through Victor.” Castell groaned, pulling his jacket away from Lucille
“Castell, you can chase your tail, and run from the truth because that’s what you do best. Loera was too good for you. You were so focused on revenge that you didn’t have room to love her.” Victor sipped more tea.
Who's Loera? Lucille thought to herself.
“I think that’s enough Victor.” Edwin demanded.
Victor chuckled and continued. “And after she died you realize it was too late, so you walk around here making others lower than you, feel miserable. You hate yourself, so then kill yourself. No one needs your protection, no one needs your misery, no one needs your damn shit anymore Castell!” Victor slammed his fist against the table.
“Enough!” Anastasia bellowed.
“Just end it all. And you know what, she won’t come back because of you.” Victor whispered nastily.
“Shut up Victor!” Lucille roared. Her eyes watered not wanting to say such unkind words towards him.
The family ceased eating, and store in shock, Victor’s expression went warm once again.
“I’m sorry Lucille, I wish you hadn’t witnessed this.”
Castell looked up at Victor once more, then gazed slightly at Lucille. “I don’t need this.” Castell arose from his seat, and went back upstairs slamming his bedroom door. Lucille fiddled with her fingers feeling a bit tense.
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Hey, heavymetal.
I enjoyed reading this chapter of yours and I did read the prologue before I came here, in order to get some insight on the story itself. I like the title 'The Hidden Skeletons'. It seems like something straight out of a movie. Overall, great job on this chapter. There were just a few things that bugged me a little bit.
During the first paragraph when you state "About two years ago I was just a fifteen year old girl, now I’m seventeen." Most people are able to figure out the age of a character if you just leave out "I'm seventeen." Because you already said that two years ago you were 15, so obviously now the character is 17.
One thing I dislike is unnecessary repetition. I feel as though when you say, "and changed so suddenly..." Then within the next line you say "change so rapidly." To me, those are the same things and instead of stating that she changed so rapidly, I feel like you could take that line out and maybe describe the way she's changed.
“Oh Dante it’s just you.” Lucille flung herself onto her bed burying her face in plush pillows that smelled of cherry blossoms and sunlight. “What do you need?” She asked in a mumbling voice.
I feel like this paragraph needs a little bit more punctuation. I don't normally do punctuation but the very first line, 'Oh, Dante. It's just you." seems better then what you have it written as right now. It's not a big deal, just a little weird to read without any punctuation at all. I also like the way you described the pillows, but the fact that it smells of sunlight? Normally, sunlight doesn't have a smell other then maybe the heat of the sunlight and it being warm?
Descriptions are great but not when they describe something that doesn't really have a smell.
I also noticed that you are switching between using "Lucille" and "I". For example:
“You and I are going to hunt some boys, wrap them around our little fingers, and take them “down town.”” He elbowed Lucille gently. “If you get my drift.”
and then
“Oh my god!” I laughed while pounding Dante with all the pillows I had.
It should be "He elbowed me gently" if you're going to continue on using "I" in the rest of the paragraphs.
Briefly after the paragraph I just mentioned, you switch from using "I" to fully using Lucille throughout the rest of the chapter. I now see why people mention this to me when I do it because it's slightly confusing.
"Tears drowned Lucille’s eyes"
I really enjoyed this description. I think that if anyone has ever cried, they know the feeling of laying down and then tears pooling into their eyes.
I also like that you put the banter between Victor and Castell. In the previous chapter, I noticed people confused about Victor's age so the playful banter might have helped them be less confused. Thank you so much for sharing with us, so far so good!
Thank you so much for the review, you really helped a lot!
I understand how switching Lucille with and back again seems a bit awkward, so thank you for catching that.
And with the sunlight smell I should probably change that, I was thinking about the summer smell you get when you go outside, but the smell of sunlight was a bit weird for a description XD. Anyway thank you once again, I will begin my editing!
Maybe like "The smell of summer; chlorine and rain" or sometihng..
ha ha yeah, thanks again!
The story is kinda confusing. Who are Victor and Castell to Lucille and her family. Who was the lady with the large red curls and dark chocolate eyes. How did Lucille meet Victor and Castell? You wrote that she pulled out a picture of the whole family. Does that mean that Victor and Castell are Lucille's cousins or long lost brothers or stepbrothers. The storyline is good but you should explain things more.
The prologue explains that she came by her parents will, she is not related to this family.