Einar (First Draft)- Chapter 7

by haredrier

Published September 17, 2016

12+

In Einar (First draft of a novel)

The sun was high in the sky as Einar awoke with a start. He glanced up at it and felt pain flash through his eyes, as he hadn't used them for centuries. His right eye seemed to be adjusting faster to the light, and as his pupil turned to a needle-thin slit he closed his other eye and looked down. His legs were still trapped in ice, and as he moved them to free himself he felt the ache of unused limbs shoot through his body. He managed to stumble out of it and fell to the ground, only managing to pull his arms forward and stop his face from hitting the ground at the last second. The skin on his hands felt raw and burning as pain shot through them. As he looked in front of him, he noticed the stone heart mere inches from his face. It seemed like it had finally stopped running.

Einar could see the massive dent that his axe had made in it, and saw other small cracks along it, as if it could not handle the pressure of the ice after it had been broken. He turned over on his back, where at least his weight was distributed more evenly. He felt relieved enough to laugh, but it changed into an uncontrollable cough as his lungs started up in full swing once more. He hurt all over, but he was glad to be alive. He almost felt happy as the voice started up again. “Welcome back to the land of the living,” it said. “I've been so bored with no one to make fun of. Don't try to talk a lot right now, I'm still trying to fix the damage that being frozen has left us. It'll take a lot of energy, so you might as well make yourself useful and try to find something to eat.”

Einar sat up and properly looked around him for the first time. There was no more ice and snow around him, except for the pathetic excuse of a glacier that lay behind him. There were no plants either. Come to think of it, there was nothing but barren rock. Groaning loudly as he got up, he tried to make his legs remember how to move and headed to a hill nearby to try and get a good look around. It took longer than he would've liked to admit, but the pain in his legs was nothing compared to the dismay that hit him when he finally reached the top of the hill. Looking out for miles in every direction, he could see no signs of life, as if nature itself had abandoned the place decades ago.

Everything was barren, cracked ground, devoid of water and scorched in some places. In one valley, he noticed a mass of rubble and burnt metal. Hopefully, desperately, he started to hobble to it as fast as he could. When he finally reached it, he noticed even the stone and metal used in building it had been shattered by some amazing force. He tried to search through it as best as he could, but his arms were in no state to pick up heavy objects just yet. Eventually he found some metal cylinders in the rubble that looked hollow inside. “I'm pretty sure they've got food inside,” the voice said. “I think they were called Beans or something like that.”

“I've never heard of a food called beans,” Einar said.

“No, I'm pretty sure putting food in metal like that is called Beans. I think I saw one of these metal things with writing saying Beans on it once.”

Einar picked up a sharp piece of wreckage and a Beans, and cut through the top to reveal things that looked like tiny brown sausages in some sort of a sauce. He picked up one of these, hoped that they were still edible and stuck it in his mouth. It didn't taste like a sausage, but it didn't taste bad either. As he continued to eat them, he could feel his strength slowly coming back to him, felt his muscles gain their old strength back and his skin harden a bit. “Are you making my skin into scales again?” he asked between mouthfuls of the brown things. “No, I'm trying to make it look like your normal skin this time. I can only imagine how much harder it'll be for us to get food if our whole skin is scaly.

Satisfied with this answer, Einar turned his thoughts towards the future. If the whole world was like this, what would he do? Wander the earth eating from Beans and living out the rest of his days alone with this pesky dragon soul? Besides, there was also he possibility that the one who made the portals was dead, lost in the eternity of time. Turning this thought over and over in his mind, Einar concluded that a being with that much power would probably be unable to die. That meant that he might be able to find him somewhere, but it would be hard to take vengeance on something that could not be killed. Then again, the gods have had ways of punishing immortals. Wasn't there something with an immortal snake, eagle or even tying someone to a magical goat? He didn't know where he would find something like that, and decided to handle that problem when he got to it. He finished his Beans and laid down on a large flat piece of rubble. He lay there for a few hours, content to just bask in the sunlight and let himself heal.

After a few hours, he sat up and looked around the rubble again. Setting all of the Beans he could find aside, he began to look for some sort of weapon. His axe had been shattered when he defeated that thing, and he couldn't get far without some form of defense. Eventually, he found a sharp shard of metal, larger than the one he had used to open the Beans. He took both of these scraps of metal, stuck them into his belt and tried to find a place to carry the food. Eventually he managed to stuff two into his belt, leaving two more on the ground. He couldn't let it go to waste and he couldn't just carry it in his hands, so he started on his second can of the day.

The shadows had begun to grow fairly long when Einar finally got up. He looked around him, decided it didn't really matter what direction he went in and set off walking. After an hour or two or walking through the featureless and barren land, he heard a noise like a large piece of cloth being torn as a massive portal opened up about a quarter of a mile away from him. It was only several feet above the air, and stayed there like a gaping hole as big as a house, punched through the universe itself. Einar felt a rush of anger, excitement and fear all at once. “See? I knew he was alive! He's let his guard down, now is our chance to strike!” Einar exclaimed into the evening, as much to the dragon as to himself. Pulling out the larger of the two scraps of metal, he charged towards the portal. However, this one seemed different. Instead of spewing out items and monsters, this one seemed to be pulling the ground towards it, breaking up the dry earth and sucking it up in huge chunks.

As Einar ran towards it, he began to experience his old feelings of vengeance, joy at finally avenging his village, and at the same time he couldn't help but fear this being's power. He grabbed on to one of the chunks of dirt that was being drawn towards the portal, and leaped off of it in through the rift. As he sped past the other acquired bits, he felt a rush that he had never felt before. He was so close to completing his quest, he could feel it. And just like that, he smashed his head into a slower-moving chunk of rock. As he lost consciousness again, he felt himself begin to fall again. He tried to grasp for the other boulders and earth that had been sucked in, but it was too late. He felt his eyes begin to close, and all he could see was black once again as the rushing sound of the portal began to fade away.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Mageheart
Review
Mageheart wrote a review Review · Dec 2, 2016

Hi, haredrier! Mage here to do my long overdue, promised review! I'm sorry for taking so long to write the review for this chapter. Hopefully the actual review makes up for it. ^_^ So let's get to it, shall we?

I'm sorry in advance for how short this chapter is. I found it be very entertaining, and the main problems I noticed were the ones brought up in the previous review. ^_^ My favorite part of this chapter is the joke about the canned beans; it was original and very entertaining.

Now onto the specifics!

Einar could see the massive dent that his axe had made in it, and saw other small cracks along it, as if it could not handle the pressure of the ice after it had been broken.


I love the detail about the pressure of the ice! It's really smart, and I love how you chose to include something like that.

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” it said. “I've been so bored with no one to make fun of. Don't try to talk a lot right now, I'm still trying to fix the damage that being frozen has left us. It'll take a lot of energy, so you might as well make yourself useful and try to find something to eat.”


There should be a period, hyphen, or semi-colon after "now". Also, the dragon is always a fun character to read. ^_^ He's even more entertaining than the Beans joke.

Einar picked up a sharp piece of wreckage and a Beans, and cut through the top to reveal things that looked like tiny brown sausages in some sort of a sauce.


"a Beans" - that has to be one of the best parts. Part of me is desperately hoping that he'll never find out what actual canned food is called. ^_^

I'm sorry if my review seemed harsh. That wasn't my intention whatsoever; I had fun reading this! If you have any questions about what I said, please ask and I'll clear things up! Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! ^_^

thanks for the review! I'm glad you like the story and no, Einar never finds out that not all canned food is called Beans. If you want I'll finish uploading the chapters for this story when you catch up, there are a few not on the site.

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Sep 25, 2016

Hello there! I'm here to give this a review on this lovely Review Day. My apologies for not having read the previous parts of this chapter.

Overall, this seems like a fairly good chapter. I liked the humor with the canned beans, and the strange voice of the dragon soul.

I thought your paragraphs were just a tiny bit long, but that was mitigated overall by them being quite smooth to read. Also, you shouldn't have lines of dialogue in the middle of a paragraph - standard convention dictates that every time you have a line of dialogue, you start a new paragraph, no exceptions.

He glanced up at it and felt pain flash through his eyes, as he hadn't used them for centuries

This might be because I haven't read the previous chapters, but it doesn't make sense to me that he would actually know that he has been asleep/frozen for centuries. Shouldn't he not know how long he's been frozen until the voice, which seems to have been awake the whole time, tells him? Similarly, he can't see his eyes, so the way you phrased that his pupil was turning into a thin slit felt a little bit off because it made it seem like he could see that.

I found the ending of this chapter kind of confusing - it seemed unclear whether he made it through the portal or not, and I didn't really understand why a portal would be opening there in the first place, though that might be something I just don't know about.

As Einar ran towards it, he began to experience his old feelings of vengeance, joy at finally avenging his village,

Simply stating his emotions lacks punch. Tell us how his stomach leapt, how there was suddenly a spring in his step, that sort of thing.

Good luck with this, and keep writing!

Thanks for taking the time to review this chapter, it means a lot to me. I'll take the emotions into account more next time.

Einar knew that he would be frozen from beforehand, but he's not sure for how long. The narration isn't only from his point of view, so the reader knows a little bit more about that than einar does. This also explains the bit about the eye - heveryone can't see it, but the reader can.

As for whether or not he went through the portal or not, it says that he lept into the rift. While travelling through the portal that was sucking up the rock and dirt around itself, he hit his head on a piece of rock also traveling. If you read carefully you can see that.


Thanks again for the review, have a nice day!

He* can't see it, I'm on my phone and the autocorrect is acting up.

He* can't see it, I'm on my phone and the autocorrect is acting up.

Mea replied · Sep 25, 2016

Ah, autocorrect. xD

Thanks for the clarification! I'd thought he went through, but wasn't quite sure.

User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review Review · Sep 22, 2016

Hey there, haredrier! I'm here to review your chapter. :)

His right eye seemed to be adjusting faster to the light, and as his pupil turned to a needle-thin slit he closed his other eye and looked down
My first impression of this chapter is that it's pretty well formatted. Although there's no 'perfect' size for paragraphs, the size of yours look terrific and welcoming to read. I also love the imagery you've used, such as the sentence I've pasted above. They create some very vivid images in my mind.

Groaning loudly as he got up, he tried to make his legs remember how to move and headed to a hill nearby to try and get a good look around.
This sentence doesn't sit too well with me. You've used 'try' twice and it sounds repetitive, destroying the nice flow of your sentences. You could remove 'try and' from the second half and it will still make sense, or just reword it.

“No, I'm trying to make it look like your normal skin this time. I can only imagine how much harder it'll be for us to get food if our whole skin is scaly.”
I love the way you've written 'the voice'. It's almost sounds like a tutorial in a video game, this presence that is guiding you, but isn't actually there. The transitions between 'the voice' and Einar's own dialogue are also very smooth. Oh, and while I'm thinking of it, the concept of Beans is veeeeeery clever. ;)

As he lost consciousness again, he felt himself begin to fall again.
Here's another instance of repetition. You can probably see which word I'm talking about.

This chapter was great! It's beautifully written and was a pleasure to read.

thanks for the input, I'll keep an eye out for repetitions in the future. I'm glad you liked the chapter!



If I had control over the quote generator, I feel like I would put half of YWS in it.
— Kaia