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Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

Einar (First Draft)- Chapter 5

by haredrier


The night was dark and cloudy, and the icy wind wasn't helping. Of course, cold hadn't really been a danger to Einar ever since his fight with the dragon, but he still disliked the wind whipping past him, slightly stinging his exposed skin. He stood on top of a hill looking down at the fishing town below, hopefully the last hill he'd have to climb in a while. He hadn't eaten in two weeks, and even though he had a lot more energy now due to the dragon soul inside of him he could feel the dull, empty ache of his stomach. He was hoping for food, and a place to sleep, or even a place to sit. He'd been walking through the snow and tundra almost non-stop, pausing only to sleep and eat snow to keep hydrated. His body heat was not in danger, as the beast's consciousness kept him warm from the inside to combat the cold. All of that was over now. He could find some part-time work, buy a horse and find out more about whoever was causing this mayhem.

As he started to walk towards the town, he heard the voice again, the same voice that had tormented him day and night and kept him from sleeping. It started asking him about his plans and appearance, and whether or not the villagers would help him. He ignored it, pushing onwards with the hopes of rest and food. As he entered the outskirts of town, he headed towards what he assumed must be a tavern or town hall of sorts. It was larger than the surrounding houses, and light flickered out from its windows and out from under its door. He stopped in front of it, took a deep breath and walked in. There was a large fire roaring in the center of the room, and all around the room were table and chairs, most of them occupied by what appeared to be fishermen and local herders. There was a large bar in one corner, with a few kegs behind it, and a door next to it that had the delicious smell of cooked meat and fish wafting from it. As Einar walked to the bar, he noticed everyone's voices lower and felt even more eyes on him than usual. He was too hungry to care, and approached what seemed to be the place's owner, A tall, well- built man in simple clothing standing behind the bar with his back turned to Einar.

“Please, I need some food”, Einar said to him. As the man began to turn around, a look of shock and disgust crossed his face.

“We do not serve demons and heretics here” said the man, regaining his composure and crossing his arms. “You must have done something blasphemous in order for Havi to curse you like this, and we do not wish to anger him.”

“Oh, the eye? That's a long story. You see, I...”

“I do not want to listen to your deceit”, the barkeeper interrupted. “Your words will bring misfortune on us all. Leave now.”

Einar noticed everyone else in the bar were watching him, their eyes filled with revulsion. He tried to reach out for the barkeeper's shoulder in a final attempt to explain, but the man jumped back and pushed him flat on the floor.

“What are you trying to do to me? Do you want me to become cursed as well? Leave now.” Einar felt exhausted and annoyed, but he felt something else inside him as well. A distant anger pulsed through him as well, and he heard the voice again.

“Who the hell does this guy think he is? He doesn't listen to us and tries to starve us? Kill him.” Einar stood up, anger flashing through his eyes. He felt ready to tear this man apart, to beat his senseless, but he heard the slight movement of many chairs behind him. He knew that if he took another step towards the barkeep, every other man in the room would come to stop him. He turned, and resisting every urge in his body, he walked out. He ignored the other entity sharing his body, who was doing everything it could to turn back around and beat everyone in there.

As he walked back outside, the cold hit him once again. Sure, he had been stuck in it for weeks on end, but after going into a nice, warm place like that the wind felt twice as icy. He walked a little ways until he came upon an animal shelter, and sat down under the roof.

We could've taken them all”, the voice said angrily.

“And then what? Steal all of their food and move on to the next town?” Einar mumbled in response.

“Well of course it sounds bad when you put it like that”, the dragon said in defense. “However, your morals won't keep you from starving. Sure, having my soul trapped inside that pathetic suffer puppet you call a body gives you energy, but it can't give you the nutrients you need to survive.”

“I know.”

“And what are you going to do about it? Try to find a blind old man and beg them for food? Steal a helmet and join some form of military?”

“I don't know.”

“Oh wow, you humans must be great at surviving, what with all of your resourcefulness and quick thinking. Is your entire race crippled by religion and morals, or are you the only goody- two-shoes freak?”

“Would you just shut up for once?” Einar screamed into the night. He heard rustling nearby, and turned to see he had woken the chickens that were resting in a cage near him. He felt his stomach make a low groan, the emptiness becoming almost too much to bear. The dragon had quieted down now, its voice becoming a single word repeated over and over in the back of his mind: FOOD. FOOD. FOOD. He knew chickens were edible, but did he really want to steal one? The chant grew louder in his head, and after sitting and considering his stomach's empty throb for a few moments, he decided that stealing a chicken is a much better choice than killing several men for food.

Unlocking the cage and sticking one hand in, he managed to grab a chicken. He pulled it out by the neck and held it in front of him for a moment, looking for a good way to kill it. After a few seconds, he grabbed its legs with one hand, pulling them up as his other tugged down at the neck,, He heard a snap and held the chicken at arms length as it flapped around for a few seconds, then lay still, it head wobbling in a weird way. Pulling it closer to him again, he began to impatiently pull its feathers off as best as he could, tossing them to the ground as he frantically tried to get closer to the fresh meat. After a few minutes of frenzied pulling, he was left with a mostly clean carcass. Ignoring his thoughts of cleaning and cooking it, he sank his teeth into the warm flesh. He ignored the flavor of uncooked meat and blood, overcome with the bliss of having something solid in his mouth and throat again. He continued this frenzy for a while, until only the bones were left. He had even drank the blood, thankful for anything warm inside him.

He sat back down under the roof and closed his eyes, not wishing to think of anything or feel his aching limbs. After a few hours, he opened his eyes and looked around him once more. His gaze fell down on the bloody scene he had made, on the red-tinted snow peeking out from underneath a pile of bones and scattered feathers. He was struck with an overwhelming feeling of shame for his actions, and felt a need to leave this place as soon as he could. The other voice protested as he got to his feet again and felt the pain in them once more, but he did not care. He stumbled out of the shelter, and made his way out of the town as fast as he could. As he cleared a hill and the town fell out of view it began to snow. He felt ashamed for his actions, but not remorseful. He felt as though it was not a good deed, but a necessary one to live. After all, if he died who would find the thing responsible for destroying his home? As the wind picked up and the snow began to fall harder, the now familiar voice spoke again. “So, what's the plan now? Find another town and live off of stolen livestock for the rest of your life?”

“We find more people and try to get information”, Einar said “, and then we exact revenge on whatever evil created these portals and destroyed my life.”

“Now that's a plan I can get behind. I have a bone to pick with that asshole for tearing me away from my home. Twice.”

The night had drawn to a close now, but the snow had turned into a full-blown blizzard now. Einar continued walking forwards, his arms shielding his face from the stinging wind as it whipped around him. He continued like this for several hours, trying to reach a distant wall of glaciers just south of the village. As he finally reached it, he noticed a small outcrop in the wall of ice, and huddled under it, trying to outlast the frigid winds. Suddenly, he heard a noise above the howling wind, like a piece of cloth being torn, and then something fell into the snow a few yards away from him.


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Wed Sep 07, 2016 11:08 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hey there, thought I'd take a look at this!

Specifics

1.

He hadn't eaten in two weeks, and even though he had a lot more energy now due to the dragon soul inside of him he could feel the dull, empty ache of his stomach.


I wanted to use this sentence as an example of passive phrasing versus active phrasing. This sentence is passive at the moment but with a few tweaks, you could make it active which is generally considered more fast paced/ snappier:

He hadn't eaten in two weeks and even though he could feel the dragon soul inside him, fusing his muscles with energy, he could also feel the dull, empty ache of his stomach.

So the difference here is that in the first one you're explaining to us/ reminding us that his soul is fused with a dragon but the second sentence takes it as a statement of fact.

2.
There was a large fire roaring in the center of the room, and all around the room were tables and chairs, most of them occupied by what appeared to be fishermen and local herders.
Rather than saying they appeared to be fishermen and local herders, describe what makes him think that. Are they wearing sheep furs? Or are there fishing nets bundled at their feet? We don't know how to visualise a fisherman or local herder so describing them instead would help make this scene feel more rich.

3.
Einar noticed everyone else in the bar were watching him, their eyes filled with revulsion. He tried to reach out for the barkeeper's shoulder in a final attempt to explain, but the man jumped back and pushed him flat on the floor.
I'm not sure how to imagine this going down - jumping back and at the same time pushing someone to the floor seems a bit odd. If he pulled his shoulder back and then pushed Einar to the floor, that would be easier to visualise. It seems weird for him to recoil and move back, only to then come forward again and tackle him?

4.
He felt ready to tear this man apart, to beat his him senseless, but he heard the slight movement of many chairs behind him.


5. The exchange between Einar and the dragon is fun - a nice bit of dialogue there.

6.
The chant grew louder in his head, and after sitting and considering his stomach's empty throb for a few moments, he decided that stealing a chicken is was a much better choice than killing several men for food.
Careful with your tenses!

7.
After a few seconds, he grabbed its legs with one hand, pulling them up as his other tugged down at the neck,, [Double comma here.] He heard a snap and held the chicken at arms length as it flapped around for a few seconds, then lay still, its head wobbling in a weird way.


8. I'm somewhat surprised Einar doesn't wonder if eating raw chicken will kill him. If the dragon soul can't keep his body from starving, is he sure it can help him survive eating raw chicken, which can kill a human? Maybe something to think about.

9.
“We find more people and try to get information”, Einar said “, and then we exact revenge on whatever evil created these portals and destroyed my life.”
Your grammar is a bit off here - after Einar said you should have the comma and then the quotation mark, not the other way around.

10.
The night had drawn to a close now, but the snow had turned into a full-blown blizzard now.
The second now is repetitive.

Overall

First off, I like that your dragon in this is very beast like and quite snarly. I've read a lot of books where the dragons have a temper but are generally polite/ all knowing/ otherwise noble creatures and it's nice to see one who's a bit more savage.

I was a bit uncertain of the bar keeper's dialogue and how he reacts to Einar - that scene struck me as a little odd because if they think he's a demon, why aren't they more afraid of him and therefore more respectful? Sure, you don't want to feed the demon to make it think it should come back but you probably don't want to antagonise it either.

Other than that, this seemed like a pretty smooth chapter and I think the dragon seems like a cool character and you have an interesting concept in having the boy's body combined with the dragon's soul.

Keep writing!

~Heather




haredrier says...


Thanks for the input, I appreciate it!



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Mon Aug 01, 2016 8:39 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, haredrier! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?

Out of the dragon and Einar, I would have to pick the dragon as my favorite character. His responses are a lot more entertaining, although I'm pretty fond of Einar's character. Both are well-developed and more than cardboard cutouts. Also, I love how descriptive your story is, this chapter incredible.

“Please, I need some food”, Einar said to him. As the man began to turn around, a look of shock and disgust crossed his face.

“We do not serve demons and heretics here” said the man, regaining his composure and crossing his arms. “You must have done something blasphemous in order for Havi to curse you like this, and we do not wish to anger him.”


There's some issues with the dialogue here. In fact, your main issue throughout this chapter is dialogue. The comma should be before the quotation mark, not after it. For example, the comma should come after "food", not before "Einar". There should also be a comma after "here".

It's at this part the reader finally gets to see someone else's reaction to Einar's new appearance. I've been waiting for that since I read the last chapter.

“Who the hell does this guy think he is? He doesn't listen to us and tries to starve us? Kill him.” Einar stood up, anger flashing through his eyes. He felt ready to tear this man apart, to beat his senseless, but he heard the slight movement of many chairs behind him. He knew that if he took another step towards the barkeep, every other man in the room would come to stop him. He turned, and resisting every urge in his body, he walked out. He ignored the other entity sharing his body, who was doing everything it could to turn back around and beat everyone in there.


I would suggest changing "through" to "in". Through isn't usually used in that situation. Also, I found this part to be interesting and neat; this seems to be foreshadowing for further conflict in the future between the dragon and Einar.

“Oh wow, you humans must be great at surviving, what with all of your resourcefulness and quick thinking. Is your entire race crippled by religion and morals, or are you the only goody- two-shoes freak?”


The formatting with the dashes is off. There shouldn't be a space before "two".

This part is one of the reasons why I really like the dragon, despite his questionable morals.

“We find more people and try to get information”, Einar said “, and then we exact revenge on whatever evil created these portals and destroyed my life.”


The comma should come after "information. There should be a comma after "said", and the comma and space before "and" aren't needed.

Suddenly, he heard a noise above the howling wind, like a piece of cloth being torn, and then something fell into the snow a few yards away from him.


I'm interested in finding out what this something is. I wonder if it's been taken from its home like the dragon was. Speaking of the dragon, another thing I'm interesting in learning is his name.

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




haredrier says...


I know this response is horribly late, but thanks for taking the time to review this chapter. I'm glad you've been enjoying it and I plan to continue posting chapters as long as the previous ones get out of the green room.

I have to admit that dialogue is by far one of my weakest points, and I appreciate the critique on it. I'll have to look out for similar mistakes in future chapters.

Hopefully you'll get to see what this "something" is, as of now I'm just waiting for reviews so that I don't flood the green room.

Now that you mention it, I don't think I ever actually put the dragon's name in the story since it wouldn't be important to the story. Maybe where he comes from they don't use proper names. Maybe it brings back memories of those in his home that he's probably never going to see again. Maybe he feels he doesn't deserve his name anymore, since he shed his body in an attempt to survive. You could choose any interpretation you want, or you could make him up a name yourself.

Once again, thanks for the review. Stay frosty!
- Haredrier



Mageheart says...


Don't worry. Mine is too. :P Seriously, though, it's fine. Things happen. If I remember correctly from what I saw in the People Tab, you went a trip. So it makes plenty of sense that you didn't respond to my review.

I'll make sure to help you out with the dialogue if I see you've had any trouble with it. Before you know it, you'll be a dialogue master! :D

Hopefully the next review day will see this work out of the green room! Then you can post another chapter. You could also request reviews in the Will Review For Food forum if you get really desperate.

That's a really interesting decision! I'll come up with a good name for him; just need a translator or behindthename.com. Speaking of that website, I was on there looking for a name for a Storybook character and I came across Einar's name. Is that where you got it from?

You're welcome! :D



haredrier says...


I'm not sure if that was where I got it from, but I recall finding it on some baby naming site and felt like the name was fitting, if not slightly ironic. The name means "lone warrior", and he is alone in the world with no more family, yet at the same time he can't really be alone science he's stuck with the dragon's soul inside him.

In the worst case scenario, I'll ask for help on one of the forums for a review, but ideally I won't have to. I think that the best thing to have when uploading chapters would be at least two dedicated people who can review each onew when they come out. Fortunately I at least have you, so I just need one more review from someone when I upload chapters.




Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
— WeepingWisteria