z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Einar (First Draft)- Chapter 1

by haredrier


The wind was whipping through the frozen clearing as Einar Mortensson sat slumped on a rock with a smooth piece of antler in his palm. His left temple was throbbing, but that was nothing new. Ever since Einar suffered a wound in his head during a hunt, the pain has always been there, constantly waiting in the back of his mind. He stared down at the carving of an Uruz rune in the bone which, according to the old healer who lived in the village, would bring health and regeneration and ensure a speedy recovery. He figured that it would never be truly healed until the hair there grew back on that side of his skull. He didn't mind the lack of hair or the low throb as much as the wind. Since his bandaged head couldn't stand any pressure on it, his uncovered head was stung and lashed by the unforgiving winter winds.

He looked down the hill towards the village's flock of sheep, who were trying their best to eat the half-frozen grass and shrubbery which dotted the landscape now that the snow was finally beginning to melt. Above the distant bleats and general ovine sounds, he heard a low rustle from further in the wood. Gripping the spear resting next to him and tightening his cloak around him, he set off to find its source.

He reached a smaller, rocky clearing as a large wolf stepped out of the brush. It snarled at him, and as it slowly began to pace Einar could tell by its figure that there was almost nothing but skin and bones under the thick coat of fur. They stood about several feet apart, both slightly hunched over and ready to fight. The wolf must be separated from it's pack, half-starved from the harsh winter, unable to catch large prey alone. It might have smelled Einar's still healing wound, whose dull ache brought Einar to his senses, or maybe he thought he could make off with a sheep and stave off his hunger. Einar heard the wolf begin to bark at him, and judged by its stance that it would not back down, and was aiming for the kill. He could hear his own heavy breathing, and the low throb from his head didn't help either. The beast lunged for his neck, toppling him over and pressing his spear across his chest. The wolf's weight pushed down on Einar's chest as it snarled and tried to bite through Einar's thick, woolen bracers, which were the only thing between Einar's flesh and the animal's snapping maw. The bracers wouldn't last long against teeth like this. Einar had to act fast. He was breathing heavily due to the wolf pressing on his chest with it's front paws, all the while trying unrelentingly trying to bite through Einar's defenses. Einar could smell the thick musk of the beast mixed with the smell of his freshly spilled blood as he pushed up with his right arm, currently located in the wolf's teeth. This knocked the wolf back and smashed the head of the spear into a rock, breaking the wood near the top of the shaft.

As the wolf fell back onto the snowy terrain it managed to get a good chunk out of Einar's bracer and a bit of his arm underneath. As the wolf turned back on its feet, Einar grabbed the end of the now broken spear in his left hand. He knew his right arm couldn't hold out for much longer, and he had to act fast if he wanted to live. As the wolf pounced at his neck again, he defensively held up his right arm again. He screamed in pain as the wolf bit into his tender skin, but he managed to sink the spear head into the beast's stomach. He tugged it down the wolf's hide and felt the jaw release over his arm. Einar struggled to his feet and looked down on the creature who had almost managed to end his life. He muttered a short prayer to the gods for blessing him in this battle, and then looked himself over. He was bleeding from his right arm, which was now exposed to the freezing wind as well. He knew he had to head back to his village as soon as he could to get it bandaged and washed, and then his eyes fell back onto the wolf. A beast like this would make a fine pelt, and wolf meat might not be the tastiest or the most tender, but any food would be welcome at this time of year. Besides, if left alone its corpse could attract more animals that could pose a danger to his herd, as well as rotting and ruining the nearby plants. He grunted as he picked up the wolf's corpse, grimacing as a paw knocked into the wound on his head. Having shouldered the warm, wet mass of blood-stained fur and flesh, he looked around to make sure the sheep were in a relatively safe spot, and slowly trudged off in the direction of his village.

As he stumbled over the frozen ground, weighed down by the body of his attacker, the only thing that kept him from collapsing was a single thought. “It'll all be fine once I get home. It'll all be fine once I get home”, he repeated to himself as he plodded forwards through the pines. The wind whipped around him, stinging his exposed face and the large gash in his arm. It felt like hours had passed when he finally reached the outskirts of the wood and was able to catch a glimpse of his village from the top of the hill. His eyes widened. The wolf's body fell from his shoulders and its teeth knocked against stones as he straightened up. Smoke. Thick, dark smoke was billowing up from the spot where his village was located. He stumbled down the hill as quickly as he could, wishing with all his might that it was not true. Every once in a while he would trip over an errant root or upturned stone, winding him and bruising his hands and knees each time. As he finally stumbled to the outskirts of his village, he collapsed on his knees in dismay. All that was left was fire and rubble.


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Sat Sep 10, 2016 6:45 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



Wow...this is an incredible piece of writing. The description is so intense, gritty, immersive and imaginative, that it leaves me hard to believe that it's actually a first draft. All-in-all, this comes across as a seriously epic piece of writing.

The lengthy paragraph about Einar's battle with the wolf did seem to drag a bit -- it was very well-written, and gave a great insight to this character, but knowing that the main character isn't going to die in the very beginning of the first chapter took away a good chuck of excitement from the event. It's incredible how you went to every fine detail of the encounter with the wolf, but you need to ask yourself if it was really necessary to tell the story you want to tell.

I'm not sure if "screamed" and "tender skin" are descriptions you want to use for such a hardy character, unless you're trying to convey that the wolves are tough for anybody to combat with. If the latter, well done...

And the cliffhanger at the end was amazingly well placed. His whole village burnt to the ground before we even got to see it. Again, wow. What a great hook.

Again, this is incredibly written for a first draft of something. I'm not sure I could come up with something as immersive and descriptive with three or four drafts. It's quite breathtaking. Thanks for sharing.




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Sat Aug 06, 2016 8:04 pm
Zolen says...



Don't have time to right now, but remind me in a day or two to review this. Seems interesting.




haredrier says...


I might not have internet in a day or two, I'll be travelling. In any case I'de be glad to have you look over it.



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Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:37 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi, haredrier! Mage here to do the long-overdue, promised review! I'm so sorry for taking so long. Well, let's get to it, shall we?

I really love your writing style. It's advanced, and you do a great job with details. I also like the injury you've given your protagonist; that's not one I usually read about. This chapter was finished in a way that leaves the reader wondering about what had happened while he was gone, and where the story will go after this. Since I haven't read the summary of your story, and can only come to conclusions based on the categories this is in, my guess is that his life will take a more magical turn after this chapter.

I wasn't able to spot any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, so good job on that! My only suggestion would be to format it slightly differently. As of right now, the big blocks of text make it harder for (at least for me) the reader to focus on the story. By separating the paragraphs you already have, it will keep the reader interested in your story.

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D (Also, I'm incredibly sorry for taking so long to review this and your other chapters.)




haredrier says...


Thanks for the input, I've tried to work on formatting more in my future chapters. I actually have up to chapter 9 written as of now, but I'm waiting for the latest chapter I posted to get some more reviews before uploading more. Also, if you ever need more input on future works of yours I'd be glad to oblige.



Mageheart says...


You're welcome! :D Alright. Thank you for the offer. :D



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Sat May 21, 2016 7:01 pm
AkeliaTaske wrote a review...



Hey there! Thanks for inviting me over for a look at your first draft! Let me say, I really enjoyed reading this! It was very well written, and well described. In the battle scene, I winced a couple of times because I could almost feel the pain the man was experiencing. That is a mark of good writing, when you can et your readers to feel what you're character is feeling. Good job!

Everything I noticed, GreatKing covered already, so I won't repeat any mistakes. This was very well described, especially for a first draft. I know I couldn't do this :)

Anyway, thanks for telling me about this! This was very good, and I liked it a lot!

Also, CLIFFHANGER!!! I want more!!!




haredrier says...


Thanks for the review, I'll let you knwo when I post my next chapter!



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Sat May 21, 2016 11:11 am
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here
Hello there! I can not say that you are a very new member but I will still say welcome to YWS just to show that I am happy to see one more talented person in here. Anyways, for the story. I like the deep description you are giving us and most of the time in this writing you show us, not tell us, which is the plus point for you and the work. I am still not sure what is the story about but from such a small start I can not say that the reader needs to that much also, only a bit to make them read more and feel interested in the work.
I think I have no more critigues surrounding the plot. I just need to read a following part to understand more about the main narrator and his story. I will now look at the things that may be corrected.


Ever since Einar suffered a wound in his head during a hunt, the pain has always been there, constantly waiting in the back of his mind.


I think it needs to be 'on his head' not 'in his head'. It is not inside his head, right?
I suppose so.

He looked down the hill towards the village's flock of sheep, who were trying their best to eat the half-frozen grass and shrubbery which dotted the landscape now that the snow was finally beginning to melt.


I can not say I am 100% sure but from what I am thinking of, I can state that you do not need a comma before 'who were..' and etc. with this long long sentence.
You put a comma when you are adding information about the already certain subject or whatever it is the noun in the sentence we are looking at. You do not put commas when you are writing about the certain subject for the first time and you want to show that it is not a ton groups of people, just one group you are talking about. With the comma your sentence has the meaning that all sheep do that action that you had told us they do. I am sure that you are talking about only one group of sheep and they are the village's sheep. If these sheep we are talking about are eating, only they not any other of their kind, do not use the comma. If all the sheep in that world you are talking about do it, then the comma is right. It depends on your opinion after all. You need to ask yourself are the sheep all doing this everyday all the time. The winter is one of the all four seasons. We do not have winter whole year. ( at least this is how I assume it )


He figured that it would never be truly healed until the hair there grew back on that side of his skull.


You missed the 'out' after 'figured'.

The wolf must be separated from it's pack..

'its pack' does not need a comma.
.. by its stance that it would not back down, and was aiming for the kill.

Do not put a comma if you can not seperate this small part of the sentence and use them independently. They can not be connected with comma if they can not act on their own.
Einar's thick, woolen bracers, which were the only thing between Einar's flesh and the animal's snapping maw.

Do not put a comma before 'which'. At least in my opinion you are trying to show us that these certain bracers are his only protection against the wolf. The reader can think of that he has more than these thick bracers. You need to point out exactly which one he uses for a shield. If you want to add extra information that they are the ones he uses to protect himself, then use the comma. If you want to tell that he use these certain bracers and they are the only ones, do not use comma. It depends on do you want to give us extra information we can go without or you want to describe the object.

with it's front paws,

'its' it needs to be.
Einar's defenses.

It needs to be only one defense. I think you say it plural formed because he uses not only one thing for the defense, but in my opinion, the defense is only one not several.

As the wolf fell back onto the snowy terrain it managed to get a good chunk out of Einar's bracer and a bit of his arm underneath.

You do not need comma when you use 'as' usually but now you need one comma before 'it managed'. When you start the sentence with 'as' , you need to put a comma.
Example:
As she said that, I started to feel even worse.
I started to feel even worse as she said that.

He muttered a short prayer to the gods for blessing him in this battle, and then looked himself over.

You do not need a comma ( and it needs to be removed ) when the following is a dependent sentence.
“It'll all be fine once I get home. It'll all be fine once I get home”, he repeated to himself as he plodded forwards through the pines.

I can not call this a mistake but you usually use ' for the thoughts, not ", which is used for the speech. Is he repeating it in his mind or out loud?


Good job and keep on writing! Wish you best luck.




haredrier says...


Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it. I understand that I did make some grammatical errors here and I'll try to correct them in the future. The only correction I disagree with is the one concerning this phrase:

"He figured that it would never be truly healed until the hair there grew back on that side of his skull."

I think that "he figured" works better in this scenario than "he figured out", because he's assuming that it won't be healed, instead of discovering that it won't be healed. In this case, the word figured is synonymous with reasoned or judged, instead of deduced.



Elijah says...


Yes, this is totally your own choice. You are welcome.
I expect a lots.




If you are tired remember it's a sign that you haven't expired
— fatherfig