Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

TW: 18+ | Descriptions of Violence | Mature Language
Terra Lorenz, 18 Years Old
A woman lumbered across a shipyard in the dead of night. Flickering light posts were strung across the yard in a pattern-like fashion, they were so dim, no work could be done at night. The young woman stood out like a sore thumb among the shipyard. She wore a bright pink sweater that was soaked by the nearby water, the breeze only made her shiver more. She had a tight grip on a raw fish. It flopped absentmindedly as she held it up to her eye-level. Taunting it before holding it above her head.
Her jaw unlatched, her cheeks forcefully ripped open with little force. Blood leaked from the sides as tendons ripped and vessels popped. The girl did not seem to care, her eyes were only fixated on the snack in front of her, which flopped with a newfound purpose upon seeing her razor-sharp teeth. She swallowed the fish in one bite, taking its bones with it. When she closed her mouth, her skin quickly re-sealed itself.
She walked like a zombie, her body twitching and curling as she digested her previous meal. By the water sat an inconspicuous ship. On it’s side, it read “Notorious Nautical”. The woman took a big leap from the ground and onto the ship’s dock. On the ship, there were two men who had been tied up. She was silenced with a tight knot around her mouth.
“Only one snack tonight?” She blubbered. One of the men spoke back with fear bubbling in his throat. “Sorry Ms. Saber! She was the only one we could find!”
Before Saber could even say anything, a faint red light emerged from inside of the boat. It transformed into a raging glow as both men went flying off of the boat and into the water.
Terra had fully attached her armor. The abnormal power known as the “Power of Olympus” pumped through her blood. She untied the girl.
“A metahuman? We’ve had enough of vigilantes poisoning the streets of New York! I’m going to enjoy tearing you apart.” Saber gloated. Terra sighed as Saber jumped towards her like a wild animal, twirling through the air. Terra stood her ground, with a concentrated snap, the gauntlets of her armor around her wrists flew off and stabbed into Saber’s skin. She was pinned to the ground, Terra simply walked towards her, with an almost statue-like demeanor.
Saber’s skin quickly healed itself, spitting Terra’s armor pieces out. She realized the fight would go on forever if she wasn’t to do something. She kept Saber pinned down when she kneeled on top of her.
“Leave the people of this city alone.” She scolded stoically as she sunk her fist into her face. Blood spilled out of her body, as if she was made fully of liquid, as Saber lost control, she let out an inhuman bellow. Terra ignored, breaking through another layer of skin. When Saber wasn’t able to move, she stood up, leaving her broken body on the floor. Terra helped the woman they had captured off the boat. Saber began to speak through her broken teeth.
“If you want me to stop…Why not just kill me?” She choked.
“You aren’t a monster, someone made you like this. People like that deserve a second chance.”
________________________________________________________________________
Terra laid on her bed staring at the fan slowly teetering back and forth. Her MP3 player sat on her chest playing music through her headphones. Her eighteenth birthday was approaching faster than she could handle, the mountains felt like a far-off, fleeting memory now. Now, whenever things felt hard, they only got worse. Inside of her dueling perspectives, she reflected on her friends. Amelia had gone through the worst, she lost Krilla, someone she had known since she was a child. Not only this, but her brother died in front of her.
Terra only had a crush on Donny for a few weeks. The night she spent with him was likely dwarfed by the many nights Amelia and him spent looking up at the stars. As the thoughts floated in her mind, a particularly nasty one came into sight. Terra had never loved someone the way Donny had. Maybe her grandparents. Not that way, though. The feeling of one’s heart fluttering whenever thoughts of someone special crossed her mind. Visions of Carl and Ellie embracing one another left her with a good thought. eighteen
“Terra…! Come here…!” A muffled voice sounded through her apartment door. She finally sat up to view her apartment window. For once, the streets of Hell’s Kitchen slept at night. Everyone had come together to celebrate the new year. Her new life was only built in the matter of a year. At seventeen she owned an apartment in a shady owner’s complex. She stepped out of her apartment door across the way into her friend’s room.
“Terra! She’s awake! Go and get some glasses and a beer! The big apple isn’t gonna wait for you.” her friend, Millie chirped.
Millie was the owner of the apartment across from her. She sat on her bed with two familiars watching the New Years celebration on TV. She had wrapped her arm around her little brother, Kris. She was his sole protector growing up.
“Big apple? Is she always like this on New Years?” Terra asked Kris.
“She’s like this on all the holidays.” He replied wearily. Kris was actually closer in age to Terra, but she never got time to grow close to him. From her understanding, she felt like she was a true adult even before turning eighteen. Thus, she was a lot closer to Amelia and Millie due to fighting together against the MFI.
Millie and Kris were crowded together on one bed, Millie watched the TV with no further thoughts in the world. She held a beer, and wore glasses that read “2021”. Her blonde hair smelled of a faint lavender that flooded the room. Amelia sat against the head of the bed next to them, holding a beer. She watched the TV from afar. Terra finally took a seat on the foot of Amelia’s bed. After her brother Donny’s death, she was homeridden for a month. For the last month, she had been wandering around like a ghost.
Amelia was the one who dragged Terra into the conflict between the Blue Coats and the MFI in the first place. Word dripped down from Terra’s activity in the White Mountains. She freed a “slave camp” filled with metahumans, the MFI placed camps that held metas all over the United States, Terra was the first one to free them, unbeknownst to herself. Amelia got Terra to join her rebellion, a gang called the Blue Coats. It was more like an organized crime group, working to undermine the MFI at every turn. Donny was her second-in-command. Since he died, the Blue Coats had dispersed.
“How are you doing, Amelia?” Terra asked, not knowing what else to say.
“What do ya think? I’m celebrating the New Year! Let’s take this night to celebrate everyone we lost.” Amelia commanded while handing Terra a beer. “It’s non-alcoholic, just don’t take anything Millie gives you.” Millie responded by sticking her tongue out at Amelia, who turned away with a blush.
“Happy New Year!” All three shouted, followed by Terra. Not long after, Millie was passed out on her bed. Amelia ended up sacrificing the bed she sat on to Kris so he could go to sleep for the night. He didn’t have a lot of energy for social events, the young man seemed like he was ready to fall asleep hours ago.
Terra and Amelia crossed the hall through her room and into her balcony overlooking New York City. They felt the hysteria in the air from the chaos caused by New Years celebrations. In Hell’s Kitchen, it was quiet. Finally, some quiet.
“Do you ever wish you never got involved with Integer?” Amelia blurted out. While her mental state more or less went back to normal since Donny’s death, she seemed to be taking the New Year to think over everything that happened.
“I don’t know. I don’t think I wanted revenge on Beck. He was the one who ran the camp in the White Mountains. He destroyed my village, killed my family. I was mad at him, but more than anything else, I wanted him to be stopped. I didn’t want him to rip anybody else’s lives apart.” She explained.
“I bet. He wasn’t the real asshole, though. It’s Jilaya and her damn family. If I could go back, I would stop them. I’d do what I didn’t have the guts to do. We have to do what we have to do to take her down.”
Terra, brushing aside some of Amelia’s claim, reassured her. “You and Millie took me in and accepted me. I’m willing to do what I can to help you. If it means following you to the other side of the world, I’ll do it.”
“We aren’t going to the other side of the world, but start packing. We’re heading to California soon.”
“Where’s that?” Terra asked. Amelia smiled and laughed at her ignorance. “You haven’t even seen a damn map right? It’s across the United States. We’re going on a road trip.” Terra smiled and nodded, doubt festering in the back of her head.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the mortifying S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Terra fights off Saber, throws two men in the water, and saves a woman from being tied up. A new year is coming up and it’s 2021! Perhaps the new year will bring in good things…right?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - The word “eighteen” is after “good thought”, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I like seeing Terra a bit older and fighting more! I really like that she spared Saber’s life, she knows that Saber can’t help who she is but that she can still change for the better. (Saber was the one who ate the fish, not the other woman, right? Or was the other woman who ate the fish?). Another detail I liked was how Amelia is upset about Donny’s death and how Millie is protective of Kris. As someone who also has a younger brother, I could relate to that a little bit.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fabulous chapter to this story! I’m seeing it all come together and I do love that Terra has an MP3 player (they’re iconic). Now, I have four chapters and the finale left, which I will be sure to read to connect them all together. And so…
I am wish you a marvelous day/night! ^v^
Hello, My Friend!
It’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the next chapter in this great story, using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Alright, and here we get to see how Terra is doing as an *official* adult now! I must say, sounds like she's leading a gloomy life thus far. Vigilante work in the streets of this world's big apple, and already she's seeing more tragedy, or—more specifically—seeing how it affects her comerades...Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Very nice! This chapter definitely fit that theme of different significant stages in Terra's life. I liked the nice balance between the gloomy attack at the shipyard and Amelia's grief over Donny, and the light-hearted New Years celebration with Millie's antics.
Descriptions and Setting: Awesome! I love how you described the shipyard, and the silly setup with the New Years crowd. Also, love that this part of the city is nicknamed "Hell's Kitchen," that made me laugh XD
Characterization: It seems like Terra is expanding on her personal fighting style here, since her time and training among the Diamond Hearts. I mean, choosing to spare Saber, combined with her trick with the gauntlets? So cool!! Thus far, Terra continues to fascinate me, and I sense we're going to get more of a glimpse into her team dynamics soon here, with Amelia and this "Blue Coats" group.
Grammar and Wording: Pretty good! I did notice some spots that felt a teeny bit choppy. Like, for example, here:
Nothing wrong with fast pacing, but these read a bit like rapid-fire descriptions, condensing so many topics that could be expanded upon into one short paragraph. I think more detail could not only spice things up, but help the pacing. E.g, "Everyone had come together to celebrate the new year. Terra's new life had only been built in the matter of last year, [moving from an apartment in a shady owner’s complex to this one, courtesy of Millie and Amelia?]. She stepped out of her apartment door, across the way into her friend’s room."
That's really all!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
For specifics and typos, nothing to put here this time! Nicely done.
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Ooo, so Terra will be heading for California next! What feels like the epicenter for a lot of things in this story thus far...I wonder if the next sequence will start to include some familiar concepts, names, and/or faces!
As for highlights and reactions...
THIS WAS SO COOL!!! I loved how you took Saber's character. On one hand, child. On the other hand, BEAST-MODE!
I loved this moment from Terra! Not only does it tug at your empathy, knowing Saber was made to be this creature, but it feels like she's allowing herself to express that mercy she didn't get to among the Diamond Hands, which was so neat.
Ooo, this bit of backstory was interesting! I am curious about this MFI group (sorry if it's been mentioned already and I'm just drawing blanks lol), as well as the Blue Coats. I mean, organized crime groups in these stories so often feels like a double-edged sword, I never know what to expect from them lol.
Ah, we get the name of the person responsible for that destruction! "Beck" huh...well, rest in pieces, Beck XD Anyway, I loved exploring Terra's motive here. Feels like a classic "revenge vs justice" moment of reflection, which are always so neat to explore.
MadThoughts...Overall, that was a great chapter to explore how Terra's adult life started, and I can't wait to see where it leads from here! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
hey hey! thank you for the review! If theres anything I wish I expanded on in any chapter it would probably be Beck. He was Terras original (and first) villain. When I was choosing stuff to rewrite, I skipped Beck because I thought him uninteresting.
I will add that she didnt kill him. I think it will be more obvious as we go along, but keep an eye on Terras morals and how they shift/evolve...
i am also happy that you liked Saber lol. That was one of my favorite action moments to write!