Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
TW: 18+ | Descriptions of Violence | Mature Language
Terra Lorenz, 16 Years Old
Terra recalled her conversation with her Grandfather. “Gods are a lot like humans in this way. They have inherent biases that stop them from being purely good. I hope you understand.”
“Just like my Mom…” She thought.
Terra stood shoulder-to-shoulder with her training comrades. Everybody was ordered to balance pots of water on two ends of a wood plank while staying balanced on one leg. Her arms shook from the exhaustion of waiting, as her blind Sensei, Zircon surveyed his students. He walked past Terra, lightly resting his hand on one pot to feel if she was balanced.
“Where’d you get that armor, kid?” He asked sternly.
“I had a late night adventure with Sae. It’s to help the order’s cause.”
“Sure, as long as it was with Sae. You obey her orders?” He inquired further. “Everyone, drop your staffs and gather in front of me!”
The group of trainees dropped everything, some fell to the ground, huffing and puffing. Terra stood, winded. She had been through many tests similar to this in her training with Zircon. The last five years of training were grueling. The students trained every other day with Zircon or one of his many high-ranking followers, such as Sae. Everybody was expected to hunt their own food when they were hungry. Over the years, Zircon recruited more and more apprentices. The fact that stood out to Terra, was that anybody could leave whenever they wanted to, most stayed. Through conversations and observation, many of the kids had nowhere to go, just like her.
“Time for a ten kilometer run! Everyone line up by rank!”
At the end of the test day, Terra watched as her lower ranked partners were awarded with their belts. Many passed the test out of simple fear of Zircon himself. The old sensei was brutal with his remarks. Terra remembered the first thing he said to her.
“Nobody feels sorry for you, and nobody ever will. I’m askin’ you to make the right decisions at the right time. Like now. Are you gonna spend your life crying and rocking yourself to sleep at night? Or are you gonna dig deep, and find what it takes to rearrange those cards life dealt you?”
Terra was on her knees before him. She had been crying before Zircon found her. They sat on a tree log not far away from Terra’s village, burnt to ash.
“I can taste it. The ash in the air. Someone destroyed your little village?”
“Yeah! Can you help me?!” Terra pleaded.
“No. But I can train you. That little bo-staff won’t prepare you for the war the way you’ve been using it.” Zircon admitted.
“What war?”
She was snapped out of her flashback when Zircon called her name.
“Terra! Come on up here.”
She trotted up to Zircon, to be presented with a blue belt with the mark of her organization. It was inscribed with a diamond. She looked at her fellow training partners while Zircon tied the belt from behind. He whispered something in her ear as he sent her off.
“Good job, kid. Come talk to me after everything settles down.” He said mysteriously.
________________________________________________________________________
“Men! Woman, and your future progenitors! I grant you freedom in the afterlife!”
A man with long, flowing hair stood above a group of his followers. Each wore a green garment of their choice. As their messiah spoke his words, they bowed down to him as if part of a collective. He had the shape of an emerald melded into his forehead, as if he had joined with one to receive enlightenment.
“Mister Taka, what will happen when we die?”
“It is not death I preach. It is the day when everything on this Earth turns red. The day when we return to nothingness…” He preached. “No, it’s not that everything returns to nothing. It is returning everything to the beginning. All minds become one, obtaining peace forever.” Taka finished with pride in his eyes. “Please. Go home knowing that The Order of the Emerald Hands will guide you to your rightful salvation.”
Taka turned, and walked behind the curtain strewn behind him, as the meeting dispersed. Backstage, it was quiet. Nobody came to meet Taka. He sat down on a chair, taking a deep breath to reel from the speech he gave.
“I can feel your presence. Come out, shy one.”
Terra spun out from behind Taka. She held her spear to his chest.
“I’m here to kill you.”
Taka did not move or stumble. The air was stale and unmoving as Terra made no movements. He looked down at Terra. Her arms shook, and her eyes faltered as he tried to lock them with hers. Sweat poured from her cheek onto his leg.
“I’m waiting, little girl. I plan to join the masses when our ultimate day comes. Whether I die before or not.”
“...What?” Terra asked, finally faltering. She stepped back, holding her spear at her side. She sensed the air around her. No movements. She had moved far ahead of the rest of her crew in her infiltration of the Emerald Hand’s meeting.
“One day, perhaps even after you are gone, the great demon will grace us with their presence. Coating this world in red and returning all living things into one. Death by fire for the human race. The Emerald Hand plans for this day.”
“The Order of the Diamond Hearts has a war to fight. We are going to stop it!” Terra said disingenuously.
Taka chuckled at her. “You do not believe the Diamond Hearts’ cause. You just want somewhere to belong.”
Terra looked back at him silently as he stood up from his chair.
“It seems you are no longer the only one in this room. I fight for the Emerald Hand’s pride, not for my own life.” He proclaimed as he kicked Terra in the chest, sending her reeling back. The blow was softened by her armor. Her heart beat so rapidly she expected her armor to begin to clang in rhythm with her heartbeats. She held her spear close, thinking about the praise Zircon had given her, the many guards she fought through to get here. She tried to get the angle on Taka, swinging her spear similarly to a baseball bat.
Taka met her forceful attempt as if he was a brick wall, quickly swinging his arm into the shaft of her spear, snapping the blade of the spear off in quick succession.
“I will not allow you to oppose our peace.” Taka proclaimed.
A puff of blood was produced in front of Terra. Taka’s eyes lost their life, but they did not lose their light. With the rest of his power, he held out his hands, and let himself fall to the ground, his head rolling from his body with a thud.
“He’s not talking to you, kid. He’s talking to me.” Zircon announced as he watched Taka’s life drain. “I thought you were ready, kid. I gave you one job. Kill the messiah. The Diamond Hearts do not accept weak resolve.”
“I’m sorry” Terra stumbled on her words. “I want to try again! I wasn’t ready!”
“Yeah. You weren’t ready. Your training is over."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the cursed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Terra is sixteen years old now and training to work with The Order of the Diamond Hearts. She is tasked with killing Taka from The Order of the Emerald Hands, but fails because she can’t do it and Taka ends up doing it himself. Zircon bitterly tells her that she’s not ready, Terra feels shattered.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think if you wanted to you could a scene where Terra is fighting off obstacles before she gets to Taka, but this is your choice.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Terra hesitated a bit with killing Taka, because it’s not in her nature for violence. I also like the conversations that she has with Zircon because he seems like he wants to help her but none of this is going to be easy.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a marvelous chapter on how Terra’s training will impact her later on! I do hope that things will get better for her and she’ll be able to help the world from its supposed end. I’ll be sure to read more and…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
A Warm Welcome
Yay! (I couldn't wait to read the next chapter... too tempting) but I see we have a time-lapse theme going on! Love stories like this. It really gives us a chance to see how the protagonist changes. This time, Terra is sixteen! Let's get right into it -- I'll start with what I loved, followed by some light suggestions!
Sunny Moments
Oooh, so Terra is finally getting into training! She seems a bit different personality wise-- more level-headed, mostly. This makes me so excited to read following chapters!
This is super interesting. I'm guessing Terra's grandfather passed and Terra had to come to her own devices and take life into her own hands. I feel bad for her, but girl, this will only make you stronger! So glad she's learning things from Sensei Zircon.
Again, I was totally wrong. XD it's even sadder than I thought, which is perfect for angst. I think this makes for great character development and the fact that not only her whole village was gone-- she lost everything. Poor Terra </3
Awww, Terra
Heat and Haze
No suggestions here, this chapter was great! <3
Overall Vibes
Since I know we're doing time-jumps... I'm excited to see what the future holds for Terra. She seems to not be doing well in training (I hope that changes!) and the characterization of her as the protagonist is truly relatable. She's not perfect, but who is?
I am so glad you are interested in this, Ley! On your ch1 review, I actually imagined Hermes as one of the "good" ones lol. Which was why I loved when he was EVILLL in DoW.
Thank you for the review and Ill be sure to tag you!
Yesssssss this is such a nice change! I love it! Can%u2019t wait to read more!!
Hello Again, My Friend!
Continuing my review of this great story, I’m here for the next chapter, once again using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Alright, here we time-skip ahead to Terra being promoted in her training, telling us more about where she got her battle skills. Then her assignment—kill the messiah of what definitely read as a doomsday cult. That's one heck of an order in and of itself! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Great! The training sequence with Terra in the beginning was neat, as it really shone a light on the amount she's trained. Plus the flashback with Zircon and her destroyed village...brutal! The clash with the messiah was awesome too!
Descriptions and Setting: I must admit, the setting was a little bit lost on me. Which is a bit of a pitty, as I always enjoy your settings a lot! But anyway, the descriptions we do have were lovely! I especially like how Terra's confrontation with the messiah was written, like how she falters and he snaps her spear (bada** move!)
Characterization: Ooo, it seems like Terra is having a bit of character trouble here, and in the best way. Not only is there the question about whether the messiah was right and she doesn't actually believe in the Diamond hearts' goals, but there's also the question of her place on the team. She clearly doesn't have a head for killing others on the spot (possibly a callback to what her grandfather told her about violence?), but Zircon is trying to instill the exact opposite...
Speaking of Zircon, he definitely seems like a rough mentor to have! But I also found myself wondering about his connection to Terra, the way he found her in the village and pulled her aside during the ceremony...At least going by the initial vibes here, I feel like this character is one with a few layers, so that's interesting!
Grammar and Wording: There was one tiny thing I decided to (reluctantly) drop in the next section, but overall, very good!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
I don't know why, but this sentence read just a bit strangely to me. Maybe because there's no conjuction with "most stayed"? Like, "The fact that stood out to Terra was that anybody could leave whenever they wanted to, yet most stayed."
That’s all! Great writing job ~
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Hmmm, I do have one theory, which I will elaborate on in one of these reactions (especially since it has more to do with flashing back than predicting what will happen).
With that, the highlights and reactions I have for this chapter are...
This was another cool quote from her grandfather! And yet again, it surrounds gods! Man, I'm curious what you have planned for the gods in this story (if anything—maybe this is an allusion to something else >.>)
I like this—this definitely put the culture of Zircon's operation into perspective! Sounds absolutely brutal, and the details like "eat what you hunt" or "having nowhere else to go" really brought it a step past boot camp and added this element of survivalism to it!
Okay this was a fascinating rollercoaster reaction moment—I was reading what Zircon had to say and I was getting all hyped-up like, "yeah! strap up and go get 'em!" Then I read "Terra's village, burnt to ash." Oof—that hit like a punch to the gut, especially after that first bit, heh.
Okay, this is the theory part! The theme of worldwide destruction/extinction, specifically with the element of red and a demon...I feel like I'm off, maybe I'm digging too much into the pre-existing lore, but...it made me think of Radio!!
Or it's another supervillain/extisential threat that will join the ranks...Either way, this intrigues me >.>
I mean...Taka is no doubt only saying that to get under her skin, but at the same time, Terra...is he actually wrong?? (00 )
Terra faltering in her mission was the main thing about this whole sequence that caught my attention. Will her personal morals and the way she grew up clash with the Diamond Hearts' code? It sounds like it already is, to a slight extent...
MadThoughts...Overall, that was such a cool escalation in Terra's story! Nicely done!
P.s: I forgot to mention this in Chapter 1! I love the art you put at the top!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you for the (double) review!!! Yeeeeeep. Taka is a brand new entree to Terra's story just to add a little bit more lore about Radio. Helps with keeping things connected, I feel.
Also, the events here are the first in the "timeline" of sorts when it comes to my writing. So to have the beginning start with Radio...Well...I guess its sorta fitting...Even though Terra was long dead after Radio first appeared, she has some important connections to her (Radio is a she, if I havent clarified)
You're welcome! And ooo, that's cool, I can't wait for more Radio lore!! (and oop%u2014sorry, she. Been a while since I read Kitty/Fi's stories lol ':D)
Well, this is an intriguing story. Don't mind if I do hehe...
Unfortunately, I have a knack for stumbling across part twos of writer's stories but I'll do my best to give this a decent review without the context from part 1.
The plot itself is very simple. We have Terra, the protagonist, who feels she's trying and failing to fit a mold after the only home she knew burned down.
She embarks on this mission with her peers to kill the messiah of an opposing organization but when she's face-to-face with her enemy, he sees right through her and she hesitates, which would've jeopardize the mission if Zircon wasn't in the room. Well done!
From what I'm reading so far, it seems you're introducing the world building pretty early on while staying focused on the narrative. But there seems to be organizations with different believes or religions. I do wish the Emerald Hand (is that the name?) wasn't just an introduction to this aspect of the world and they were a little bit fleshed out before the messiah was killed, but I guess it kind of works as foreshadowing for what's to come, assuming you are planning to introduce other groups.
Lastly, I want to talk about the writing. When there's dialogue, it's very stiff and direct, and it feels like it's only purpose is to feed the reader information. I don't get a feel for any of the character's personalities when they speak, except for maybe Zircon. I could've guessed Terra's real motives from the flashback alone, so when the Messiah put into words exactly what I already knew, it was a little off-putting.
The flashback itself is also quite stiff. For example:
Terra isn't really grieving over her loss her, and it's a but sudden for her to ask some random blind guy she meet for his help. There's also no allusion or implication to the reason why Zircon immediately agreed to train her either.
In summary, I think this is pretty decent story, but it needs a lot of work. The plot, while simple, is easily the best aspect of the story, but the characters feel two-dimensional at best and the dialogue is a little stiff. It was, at the very least, interesting, and now you've got me curious about the [b]LOOOOOORRRREEE[b] of these different organizations (or factions?). Hope this helps!
Thank you for the review! These are more or less little peeks into Terras life throughout the years. So the events might feel a little disconnected.
This is a part of a larger narrative and Im glad you were interested in the world!!
I appreciate the talk on my dialogue! I see how this scene feels a little played out and maybe a bit stunted? Certainly stuff I want to keep in mind going forward...