ok, i didn't know if this should be in lyric poetry or not...
anyhow, I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but i just HATE fireworks...
i thought of this while watching a fireworks show last night...so its not the best....
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The drops of light,
Cascading down,
Against the dark of night.
That was the pro--
They come in marathons.
There are several more to name,
But here are the cons:
Air and sound,
They pollute them both.
To entertain and blow;
Their terrible oath.
From the obnoxious noise they make,
To the dangerous harm--
For fun's sake.
They are fireworks;
The true! The bold!
Despite their destruction,
They never grow old.
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P.S. i could use some suggestions for the 2nd and 3rd stanzas--they need the most work (in my opinion)
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that was a great peice and i think you should've put it into the lyrical poetry section......but i do agree with springrain on the change made to the last section......i mean dude come on you had it going awesomely and you put the pros and cons awesomely lol (used it twice) but the ending sorta killed the whole thing.....now i'm not saying that it was horrible i'm saying that it was friekin sweet and you show that fireworks are harmful but so much fun that we use them anyways lol ^-^
-Uo the lady in grey
I love your writing style, but haha, i disagree with your opinion of fireworks. I do agree about the pollution and the bad effects, but the visual effects awe me. The only thing I would change, and I dont say this in negativity, is the part below:
Maybe change for something like:
The fiery compulsions
The graceful explosions
Never dim nor grow old
Forever the bold
Now as a poet, you want to avoid using the as much as possible. And i dont recommend wording it as I have. When giving constructive criticism I like to give only an idea of what you can alter it to be, so that it is still your work when you edit it.
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew
wow.
hah jk. that was pathetic. but still good effort! if there was one.
hmmm welll id say basicly scrap it, but i can only say that cuz i know you. so dont blow my face off.
remember.... i know where you live. i might have to make one of my cool concoctions that i made at your gma's house and your dad spilled all over the floor. =D
You should really rethink this whole rhyming thing. It's rather forced. To entertain and blow; their terrible oath. Does that make sense to you?
So first you're using abcb, and then you switch to aba. It kind of throws me off, as a reader, the whole rhythm change.
The end just confused me. I thought you hated fireworks? It seemed like you had a change of heart in the last stanza. You should probably think about keeping the same face throughout the poem, just to avoid confusion.
Overall, I think it could do with a little more work. Not bad, though.
--Medusa.
I kinda agree with Bookmarker [haha]. At the top before you wrote the poem it says something about you not liking fireworks. You could maybe insert a part in your poem, or write another one, about why you don't like fireworks or something. Overall, I liked it!!! It was interesting.
Alright, I don't disagree or agree with your stance on fireworks, but all the same, it was an interesting read. It was enjoyable to see you put your opinion into a poem quite eloquently. It perhaps needs a little rhythmic work, but *shrug* A very nice opinion piece all and all! Good work, and goodluck convincing the world that fireworks are bad.
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMM. I had no idea what was going on. It was about fireworks, right? It had a good plot and stuff, the cons of fireworks. You didn't express your feelings enough. Do YOU like fireworks or not? How many have you seen? There's lots of questions.
P.S. I didn't give you any emoticons. (I do for almost every one) It wasn't really bad but it wasn't really good either.
first of all, FIREWORKS ARE AWESOME!!!! they EXPLODE!! whats cooler than that? now, if you also dislike vanhalen and the foo fighters,you really need to rethink your style.
(haha)
now, I think you should clarify that the lines in the middle of the poem are not part of the poem. I got confused.
secondly, your second stanza on the bottom, is awkward and unrhythmyish(not sure what the word for that is) It doesn't have four lines and it's just........weird
other than that I say it's fine
-speaker head-