Suicide

Awesome! Very dramatic. I loved it. Execept...what are gaffes? That part I don't get, but it was a really intense...and it made sense. The last rhyme was sort of awkward, but otherwise--immaculate poem.
Cheers!
--Vox

very good i got the feeling of depression and i liked the rhyming good job XD

nice poem, it flowed very nicely. it was good, creepy, but good.


-so many names, I hardley know who I am-

i like the flow of it.
it's a very good poem any way. i find it hard to believe you just threw it together. the structure and language of it makes me feel like you put a lot of time into it

Good flow, nice writing.



Nice writing, especially in 3 minutes!



The only problem I had with the poem was that google ads put two links for suicide prevention watch as I was reading the poem and the other critiques!

i quite enjoted this poem. it flowed nicely but i think you should continue it. its a little short

It isn't really necessary to rhyme at the end of a poem. Poems with no rhymes can make great poems too.
Ok...let me see...for me, it's just OK. It has potential, but it needs improvement. We all know that this poem is about suicide, but I don't feel anything 'suicidal'. If the subject is 'suicide', then try letting the reader feel that emotion. And yes, the way you write it....it wasn't really natural. It was quite...fake.

Some from the last stanza:

"he let out sardonic laughs".
I have to agree that this wasn't really fitting with the poem.

"Then he tumbled from the bridge,"
Ah, this is actually fine, but I find 'tumbled' a slightly comical word. Lol.

Well, overall, it was good. A 5 out of 10, but I'm sure you can do better. Now...
try writing positive ^^

Good luck, keep writing

Jocelyn . . .Jocelyn . . .Jocelyn






you sicken me. Only you would write something so horrid

haha

Haha.....bookmarker LMAO!

Uh, yeah. I liked the imagery, but sadly Qultur is right. There's no purpose and no meaning to it, so yes it was imaginative and interesting to read but there really wasn't a need to read it. So....I guess that's what happens to a poem when it's written carelessly in 3 minutes.

Oh, and bookmarker is kind of right in the end...I mean PICTURE IT: A guy on a boat. He looks out to see. Randomly raises his fist on the sky. Starts laughing and then just jumps. I'd be more amused than scarred. I seriously think what Bookmarker meant by it, is that it's too not true. It's so fake that it can be taken humorously. If you wrote about this man in his bedroom nursing the though each day and what caused him to commit suicide, then finally depicted this last scene of him flinging himself into the ocean I wouldn't laugh because you created a character with depth and I have emotional attachment to him, but this..? Well, this was something you wrote in 3 minutes, and I won't treat it as anything other than that.

However, if it helps, it is very promising. There's a lot you can do with something like that to kick off a dramatic poem or end it, or something...


lmao @ Bookmarker though. I'm officially a fan of that little 13 yr old.

EDIT:

Oh, and about the rhyming schemes! Yeah, rhyming is actually VERY difficult. I mean, once you go free-verse you don't go back. If you want to be a rhyming queen, then you need to practice and don't rhyme using weird lines and crap because it's a very very difficult thing to do. You constrict yourself to one type of scheme and you basically have nothing to write about and only this set of words. I would continue practicing your rhyming, because it's hard to jump back when you go into free-verse, but please...please don't put things you wrote in 3 minutes up here. PLEASE.

gamechanger10 wrote:Face to the sky,
he let out sardonic laughs.
Then he tumbled from the bridge,
to avoid all of his gaffes.

D: (aghhh I was typing out my reply when I accidentally hit the back button. I have to do this all over again)

But eh...yeah, I got a little ahead of myself; I'll try elaborating what I meant. (again)

It's just that whenever I've seen someone's learning how to write poetry, they've always started this way, with rhyming. It always seems to be the main focus in their piece since it's common knowledge that the poetry people remember best is that old stuff that rhymes. But it usually dilutes the other aspects of whatever the writer's working on, weirding up any rythym and instilling weak imagery for the sake of a simple and usually uninteresting rhyme scheme.

Just...try this; open an empty word document, but don't tell yourself you're gonna write up a story or poem. Stop for a second and try and become aware of what you're thinking about; try to take a look at the images flashing through your head. (I'm pretty sure most people think in images; there could be exceptions for all I know, but this is what I'm most familiar with) Try and put those images into words as best you can, as though you wanted to communicate an unbiased translation of yourself to someone, wanted them to understand you through the concrete of your thoughts.

Cuz if you try to do at least one piece that way, I think you'll be able to break out of the habit of going by simple rhyme schemes. (which are usually really inhibiting to creativity, whenever you're fishing for a word to rhyme even if it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece; it's very constricting)

...man, I hope that made sense in some way; it was frustrating having to go through all that again. :C

umm...okay?

Is that telling me not to rhyme? Or that my poem wasn't good because I rhymed?

For Jesus' sake; rhyme at the end of each line does not a good poem make.

Face to the sky
He inhales a final breath
Then, he tumbled from the bridge
Ready to accept his death

Face to the sky
He lets out his last breath of shame
Then, he tumbled from the bridge
Finally out-running all the pain

Face to the sky
He exhales the shame
Then, he tumbles from the bridge
A final ending to the pain

Face to the sky
He cries out the blame
Then, he tumbles from the bridge
And no one feels the shame

Just some ideas, do what you want with them

Impressive. Expresses lots of emotion, almost to a point where you can feel it - due to the descriptions. Great use of words and vivid vocabulary. It may be short, but powerful enough to be present in my mind for a while. I like how the reader can know, even without the title, what the character or person in this poem is doing. Simply profound, well done. *thumbs up*

oh man
who says its not good
its great
it has loads of impact in it
it also has a nice rhythm
with all those rhyming words
its great.
keep it up

Don't listen to Bookmarker...no offense to him.

This is a serioius matter and it describes brilliantly how people commit suicide. Like Evolmega mentioned it does have a very deep meaning to it. It flowed very nicely.

I'm not sure what to critique because, to me, there is nothing to critique. Very good job. =]

____________
"Life is like a diaper; good to have but sometimes stinks." AZ&MB =]

_horsez919

It's not intended to be funny, Bookmarker.
Suicide isn't funny.

Whoah! Enough with the big words. You don't have to sound smart or anything when you're writing (But of course, I can't help it. JK) Besides that, the story was AWESOME! It's a tad bit funny when you picture it. Some guy is standing on a bridge with a determined face and then . He disappears beneath the roiling water. Now how about some happy stories? Okay? Sheesh.

I think this was great, has a deep meaning to it, including the fact that you wrote it in a short time, ;o. Goodjob! Keep writing =)

Very enjoyable, it flowed very nicely. Sounds very sad but soft.

The sea churned and pitched,
the wind howled,
but he never twitched.

I like this poem. I'm a bit weird though, I don't find it depressing. But, then, one of my favorite songs is Into the Ocean by Blue October... Anyway, back to the crit. I like the imagery shown within this poem, it just creates an almost somber mood.

The sea churned and pitched;

the wind howled,

but he never twitched.



As the glowering clouds

produced a steady-falling mist,

he raised his arm--

his hand a fist.



Face to the sky,

he let out sardonic laughs.

Then, he tumbled from the bridge

to avoid all of his gaffes.

Hmm, this is kind of depressing but I don't see how it's suicide. Mabye you want to explain how it is? I think there's a story behind it. I would like to have seen a little bit more detail. It was ok. Good luck and keep writing!

-Max

Wow, this was a very intruiging poem. I liked the rhyming. I agree that it was very powerful. Short and to the point.

This is just a poem that I threw together one night in about 3 minutes
(and I'm not exactly the best at poetry either).
It's kind of depressing, I know.

thanks, nolan.

i knew that line was a little awkward, but i just needed something that rhymed.
i'm deffinately going to change it.

thanks for your comment!



-GC10

The sea churned and pitched,

The wind howled,

But he never twitched.



As the glowering clouds,

Produced a steady-falling mist,

He raised his arm--

His hand a fist.



Face to the sky,

He let out sardonic laughs.

Then, he tumbled from the bridge,

To avoid all of his gaffes.





I really, really like this.
It's very powerful.
The underlined line above doesn't really fit, though, and it kinda disrupts the whole flow of the poem.