The Void

Hey cuz,

Here's my two cents on this piece.

First of all it's ballsy: and I like it. This poem was obviously written after some serious introspection and soul searching. For a person just beginning to dive into the poetic world, it's clear to me that you have both found your voice and refined it.

There are some devices you have used that I love and others that aren't my cup if tea; take into account, this does not mean it is "bad" or even wrong in its usage. First, I love how you have the tone and meter transition to a more frantic, hasty crescendo by its end. You clearly capture the speaker's urgency and desperation as he attempts to figure out the void's significance and influence on him. I like how vividly and accurately you personify the void- it's effectively creepy. Finally, I like how you evolve silence's role in the poem. It begins as a stifling burden, but turns into your one place of sanctuary. The transition was impressively smooth-great job.

Now, to my suggestions. Your diction throughout the poem, cohesively, is almost supernatural and romantic [not the "I'll never let you go Jack" romantic crap; think more Nathaniel Hawthorne and Poe]. I love that. However, your inclusion of what the mind says is too blunt and disruptive; it takes the reader out of the moment that you strive so hard to create in the first stanza. It may behoove you to edit these depressing statements and romanticize them; make them as supernatural and freaky as the void itself- this will help adjust any unnecessary choppiness. This kind of choppiness is also caused by your penultimate line of "To be or not to be." Personally, I know exactly what you're going for. However, a staggeringly large majority of other readers may view your allusion to Shakespeare's "Hamlet" as cliche and ill-fitted: not because it's a bad idea, but because you make no other allusions in your writing. If you're adamant about keeping this line, I suggest you scatter the rest of your text with more allusions.

All in all cuz, I'm thoroughly impressed. You're writing reflects a maturity I've never seen from you; don't take that the wrong way, haha. I hope to see more of your poems, and keep it up!

The pacing was interesting, and while it worked in some places, it felt a bit rushed in others. (I don't know if that was the intention, however.) My other negative was that some of the rhymes felt forced, like you put a word there that didn't really work with the flow, just for the sake of a rhyme. Those are mostly my only cons about this piece.

I liked a lot of your wording, and how you repeated the word silence at the beginning and the end. The poem left a feeling of a void and desperation after reading. I was reminded a bit of EE Cummings while reading this. If you haven't read any of his poems, I highly suggest that. He could be a good source of inspiration for you, although some of his poems are a bit difficult to understand and can be interpreted many ways.

Thank you! Keep in mind that I am by no means a professional writer. ^^"
Keep writing, and I look forward to your future works!

The pacing was interesting, and while it worked in some places, it felt a bit rushed in others. (I don't know if that was the intention, however.) My other negative was that some of the rhymes felt forced, like you put a word there that didn't really work with the flow, just for the sake of a rhyme. Those are mostly my only cons about this piece.

I liked a lot of your wording, and how you repeated the word silence at the beginning and the end. The poem left a feeling of a void and desperation after reading. I was reminded a bit of EE Cummings while reading this. If you haven't read any of his poems, I highly suggest that. He could be a good source of inspiration for you, although some of his poems are a bit difficult to understand and can be interpreted many ways.

Thank you! Keep in mind that I am by no means a professional writer. ^^"
Keep writing, and I look forward to your future works!

I like the shifts in pacing this has! It's well written. Try avoiding simple double-stating; "wraps around to surround you" can be condensed if you want to try playing with the flow of the poem. The rhyme scheme in your poem is a little disconcerting as well, and it may be interesting to shift either completely to free form or in the other direction, with a concrete rhyme scheme. The elements in this poem could be used for a sonnet, maybe. It could be interesting to try out another time! Also, don't forget your conjunctions even in enjambment! Overall this is very interesting, keep up the good work! Good and interesting line variation and the tone is very gripping.

Hullo and welcome to YWS! I thought I'd drop by and give you a review

Specifics

1. I think at the moment the poem starts off with quite a passive tone and it might be interesting to see what would happen if you made the lines active instead. For example, the first three lines might become:

Silence
It could kill you,
could make you rip the ears from your head

I think this would make it punchier and more gripping.

2. Line four is maybe a good opportunity to play with your words. Why not omit the word silence and allow it to speak for itself?

Silence
It could kill you,
could make you rip the ears from your head
as you listen to the deafening -

A line break after would help to emphasise it too.

3.

through the space that your you're in

Hello, InfiniteRectangles here! I've noticed that you're new here. Welcome to YWS!

Now on to the review! I really like how you have approached this topic. You make it interesting without making it too cliche. I also like the way you ended this. It has a sense of finality, and I just love strategically placed literary allusions.

Let's get into the nit-picking now, shall we? Okay, so the first thing I noticed while reading this is a lack of punctuation. I understand that for some authors it is merely a stylistic choice, so I won't spend too much time addressing this, but I just feel that punctuation can add so much to a piece. Periods and commas let readers know where to pause, and I think your poem would feel less rushed if you incorporated some punctuation.

The next thing I noticed is that a lot of your rhymes seem rather forced. For example,
"As time flies by

this game is a tie

for your mind is now as crazed as your heart once was

You hear voices telling you to "kill yourself cuz""

The rhymes seemed out of place, and I'm not really a fan of modern slang being used in something as elegant as poetry, but that's just a personal thing. The problem with forcing your rhymes is that they can weaken your poem. I see a lot of new writers make this mistake. They spend too much time trying to make their poem rhyme and not enough time is spent on the flow and the subject matter itself. One thing you should keep in mind when writing poetry is that it doesn't always have to rhyme. I repeat: poetry does not have to rhyme. If you can incorporate a good rhyme scheme that flows naturally, then go for it! Otherwise, it is better left alone. Also, if you do add a rhyme scheme to your poem, you need to make sure that it is consistent. In your poem, sometimes the words rhyme and sometimes they don't, and this inconsistency can make your poem seem tacky, so keep that in mind as well.

The last thing I want to mention, and this will be brief as there were not too many issues here, is grammar.
"through the space that your in"
change "your" to "you're"

"& "Life's too short to waste"
You should probably change the and sign to just "and". "&" just seems out of place here, and I generally don't recommend abbreviations in writing unless you are trying to stick to a certain amount of syllables, and since "and" and "&" both have only one syllable, this clearly isn't the case in your writing.

Anyway, that is all I have for you. You are a talented writer and you have lots of potential and I am looking forward to reading more of your work! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!