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untitled

by fukase


in Padang, Indonesia, watching a movie
didn't know what it was
inside of a bus--this movie...

the bus stopping, and it paused.
didn't continue in the next trip,
the whole group said their grief and anger.

quiet in the corner, my face a little happier.
didn't get to watch the ending,
tears inside kept in bay.

the main girl character name is Hayati,
didn't get to see how it folded up...
mom said she had read its novel.

the ship crashed.
didn't arrive at Padang,
it went to the deep into the sea and long asleep.

the movie still didn't end though
did a great cliffhanger.

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305 Reviews

Points: 19732
Reviews: 305

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Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:54 am
Vulcanite wrote a review...



Hi there @fukase I am here to do a review on your poem here, First thing grate length.

what I like most
you really do have some grate lines in this poem like.

the main girl character name is Hayati,
I really feel like there is a lot of description in this line unlike some of the others, you have done some grate work in this poem, but then again there are things that need to be ficksed, I must say that @Shikora pointed out a lot of things in the review that she did.
So there is not to much that she did not point out that i have to review, So good on shikora her reviews are the best.

What needs work

in Padang, Indonesia, watching a movie
okay not really getting this first part of why its in here but anyways.

quiet in the corner, my face a little happier.
this to the line before is not really making much sens to me, I feel like its note really being thought threw very well but, its just that I am not really following a long with what your say in this poem. but really as I said shikora has told you most of what you need to ficks, just to say capitol Letters or not in sentences.
So that is all that I can say, if I came as being really harsh and unfair I am really sorry can you pleas for give me, So keep up the grate work here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill
Happy review day
From Team Scrambled Eggs




fukase says...


That line with "Indonesia" is just indicated a log which is where I had just traveled. Thanks sweeties.



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566 Reviews

Points: 14160
Reviews: 566

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Thu Jan 17, 2019 10:34 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review for you.

Let's get to it.

So the only thing I did see is that you haven't started any of your sentences with capitol letters. By not doing this, it just makes your poem look a little strange. But other then that this poem was really good.

So I have a suggestion for the name of you poem, if you don't mind. It is The Movie, that is what your talking about in your poem.

Well this poem was really well written, and I really enjoyed reading it.Your punctuation was all in the write placed, and it made it a easy smooth read. It was nice that you told us a small story here in the poem, it felt like you have put a lot of emotion into this work so great job.

Well that's all from me for now. I really liked reading and reviewing your poem, and I look forward to reading more of your works, once they are posted on YWS. Never stop writing and have a great day/night

Your friend
Shikora. :D





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