z

Young Writers Society


12+

the season of thunderstorms.

by fukase


the road was carved with puddles
just after the rain left
its iron breezes in the air.
the tip of my lip felt dried,
hesitating to mouth words
that were hanging in my mind.
my legs numbed from the cold-
i wondered either the cold
from the rains
  or the thunderstorms verbalized from
  you.

my playlist of songs stopped.
earphone fell on my shoulders slowly
as the sudden gust passed by,
curbing my momentum and drifting my hair
on the iron breezes in the air.
you told me
once,
  the echoes of the thunder
  won't ever kill a person.
well, the echoes of your thunder
  killed a part of me.

the songs being played
before the season of thunderstorms
i remembered they were the happy songs
... it was fantasy
like leaving the clothes outside.
it was such a sunny day
as the days before too.
the season of thunderstorms came
without knocking on the door.
it came with bitter words,
  banging on my ears,
  breaking my inside and
  putting saltwater into my eyes.

i didn't need the warmth from a thunder
  or
should i wait the season to stop?

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107 Reviews

Points: 9326
Reviews: 107

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Tue May 15, 2018 6:16 pm
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Cadi wrote a review...



Hi fukase,

This is an interesting poem! Thunderstorms are a great metaphor to play around with, and you've got some lovely lines in here.

A couple of my favourite bits of the piece:

the road was carved with puddles
just after the rain left
its iron breezes in the air.

my playlist of songs stopped
earphone fell on my shoulders slowly
as the sudden gust passed by

Both of these segments paint a very clear picture, without resorting to clichéd descriptions, and give me this wonderful sense of slow-motion movement in the calm after a storm. I love them.

However, I'm not sure the second half of the poem holds up quite as well as the first half. The section from "the songs being played" through to "as the days before too" doesn't give me the same sense of clarity as before. Perhaps you could look at a slightly different way of illustrating the good times before the storm, rather than talking about the "happy songs" - perhaps something to paint more of a picture of a hot, summery day?

Overall, though, nice work - there's some great stuff in this poem. Keep it up!

Cadi x




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18 Reviews

Points: 14
Reviews: 18

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Wed May 09, 2018 2:24 pm
Quinine wrote a review...



Interesting poem! Here's my short review-
1. In the first line, it says that the road was "craved" with puddles. I think this may be a typo, based on the definition of crave:
crave
verb
feel a powerful desire for (something).
synonyms: long for, yearn for, desire, want, wish for, hunger for, thirst for, sigh for, pine for, hanker after, covet, lust after, ache for, set one's heart on, dream of, be bent on;
beg for (something).
and the definition of carve:
carve
verb
cut (a hard material) in order to produce an aesthetically pleasing object or design.
"the wood was carved with runes"
synonyms: sculpt, sculpture; More
produce (an object) by cutting and shaping a hard material.
"the altar was carved from a block of solid jade"
synonyms: sculpt, sculpture; More
produce (an inscription or design) by cutting into hard material.
"an inscription was carved over the doorway"
So you might want to correct that.
2. Capitalize your i's.
Other than that, great poem! :) Just proofread a little.




fukase says...


Thanks! Nice pointing about the word there, haha. :D



Quinine says...


yeah XD




Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop