It was only the first day of October, and yet the neighbors were going all-out for their decorations.
It was kind of a surprise. Jack and Corianne lived in a small, fancy, secluded neighborhood where it was mostly seniors. The two siblings lived way in the back in small condos, so, once again. Surprise.
The condo in question was being decorated very nicely. Each window had festive lights, miniature gravestones were put into a tiny plot of dirt, and on the railing leading to the door, there were, once again, lights.
"Oh, look at those decorations!" said Corianne cheerfully. "I love them!"
"They are cool," said Jack. In the dying light, they looked even nicer than they probably would normally.
The two teenagers continued walking around the neighborhood, chatting.
"You know what Lilly said?!" asked Corianne.
"What?" Jack wasn't really following along to Corianne's story. She did seem angry, but Corianne was one of those girls to always overreact about stuff, so it really wasn't a big deal.
Jack looked up at the sky. It was getting later now, and while before it was a dark blue, now it was a very dark gray, almost black.
"Can we go this way?" He suddenly asked.
He pointed to a small side street with more houses. Corianne paused in midstep, however.
"Why?" she asked bluntly, giving him the side eye.
"Well, you want to go onto the street by the road-"
"By Sarah and Bill's house." she reminded him.
"-And going by that road that late of night? ugh, it gives me the willies" Jack shivered. He never liked that road. Too big, too loud.
"Aw. no." said Corianne. "Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide."
"Fine. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot." Jack pulled paper, Corianne pulled scissors.
"HA!" Yelled she. "I wi-"
Suddenly, a sound echoed out around them. It was not unlike to a foghorn, and it was so loud they both jumped in fright.
Two blinding, bright lights came out of the darkness, heading straight for them. Corianne shrieked, and dove to the side of the road, but Jack could not move. He was frozen there, in the middle of the street.
Just then the lights disappeared and the sound was gone. It was as if whatever that was had never been there at all. It chilled Jack. It was really, really, freaky.
"What was that?" Corianne asked. "It was there a second ago-"
She suddenly paused, before asking, "What. Is. That. Sound."
Jack heard it too, but once he realized what it was, he relaxed. It was just someone whistling a merry tune. Jack turned around, and then he freaked out. Again.
There was nobody behind them. Jack laughed nervously, as did Corianne.
"Probably someone on their porch." she said, her voice shaking.
"Yeah." said Jack, until he heard someone singing a haunting song. It was terrifying, it really, really, REALLY was.
"Is that what I-" asked Jack.
"Yea-" said Corianne, looking around. The tune scared her.
The tune got louder, and louder, and louder.
"Don't go walking out alone," The voice sang. "When I'm done with you, there'll just be bone."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
BOO! Creeps here with a spooky review
I loved this little short a lot actually!! It’s really reminds me of a campfire story or an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark?. It’s a spooky story with a lesson to be learned in the end, I love that! It definitely leaves me hungry for more tho, I definitely would love to see what happens next. Did they live? Did the mysterious
Whistler catch up to them? Uhhh I wanna know more, it’s a creepy and intriguing note to leave on. Anyways I loved your story and hope to see more from you.
Stay spooky~ Creeps
thanks for the review!
Salutations, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
An amazing choice of title, already suggesting that something mysterious is going on. Well, I don't want to be the critic cat on Halloween, but I have to say, I think you have definitely improved in using more descriptive language. There are clearly fewer capital letters and exclamation marks, which I find rather appealing.
Nice choice of name too, I mean Corianne. Wow. You already gave me Halloween vibes, nice profile picture too.
Areas to Improve:✒️
I am not quite sure that the second comma is needed. If you want to make something clearer or emphasise the art that it's a surprise, you should probably approach it in a different way.
~~~
I have seen that you have approached it in the following way: question and then the person who said it. You might want to try and change that up from time to time.
For example
Before
After
~~~
Instead of using the word really three times, try something else.
For example
Before
After
~
The same goes over here
For example
Before
After
~~~
Try to add some more emotions, feelings, descriptions to your story and try to give it some more skin.
Nailed It!💐
I love your last sentence, it's just that little hint of spookiness. Mysterious...
Overall Feelings:
This was a nice introduction to Halloween. In my opinion, you have definitely improved your writing. Great concept and names. Not to forget your very fitting title. I would definitely recommend that you write a second part, if that is your wish, of course. Maybe an even scarier one.
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
Eleanor Kept Walking by @GengarIsBestBoy
This is a very scary horror story, which can give you a huge shock. The story is about a girl who keeps walking in a very creepy forest, no matter what. I think this is definitely something for you.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
thanks for the review! (ha ha sorry about the cringy ending lol but I had like no ideas
)
Hi Sunflower here for a quick review!
So I thought that this was a pretty interesting little Halloween story, I'm kind of a sucker for spooky stuff so this definitely was my cup of tea! Though I did notice a couple of things that aren't necessarily problems but more of slight changes that could improve your writing.
You have a tendency to use the word "Really" quite often and while in certain circumstances it works in others it can tend to be a detriment since it limits description abilities. For example this line:
["Yeah." said Jack, until he heard someone singing a haunting song. It was terrifying, it really, really, REALLY was."]
Saying it "Really, really, REALLY was" takes away the possibility of more flowy descriptions. A great way to fix this is instead describe physical or mental sensations. My example would be:
["Yeah..." Jack breathed, until he heard something haunting, something akin to someone singing. It was terrifying, it shook Jack's very bones"
Adding more feelings will often make it feel like a more real reaction, if that makes any sense?
Lastly (this sort of ties into the thing before) your descriptions are lacking a bit, while you mention they're walking down the street but because you don't add much description or feeling of their surroundings it feels kinda like they're in a void. They're are many resources for writing better description and I ABSOLUTELY recommend looking into it because you have really fun idea and I would love to see you execute them in a more detailed way!
Having said all that it was a fun little mysterious halloween tale and very fun, honestly it sounds sort of like a story my uncle would tell me about him and my mother's childhood.
I hope you have a great day/night and keep on writing! PEACE OUT!
-Sunflower
Thanks for the review!