I was at a fancy Italian Restaurant named El Luonzo's. I sat at a fancy table with a red-white checkered tablecloth, flowers on the table, red light bathing my terrified face.
Despite the romantic, lovey-dovey atmosphere, I was near having a panic attack.
"Helloooooooo," said a creepy voice. A hot man walked up to me, grinning with creepy teeth. You wouldn't have known he was a demon except for the fact that he had two creepy, vampire-like teeth. I shuddered.
"Hello," He said again, pulling out a chair.
More like just plain hell, I thought bitterly.
"What," I stated; it wasn't a question.
"I'm surrrprised that you even came," he said, waggling his eyebrows.
"Whatever, let's just get this over with," I snapped.
"Are you sure that you don't want to begin a relationship?" He asked.
"You weirdo. The only reason I'm not storming out of here because of...." I lowered my voice. ".... The heartburn thing."
With that, the waiter appeared, holding out menus.
"Lasagna, please," said the Demon.
Soundlessly, the waiter nodded and walked back to the kitchens.
An awkward silence fell over the two of us. I closed my eyes, before pulling out my phone and noticed a text had popped up.
It was my best friend, Sarah.
Sarah: How's date night going?
Me: Don't ask.
Sarah: What do ya mean?
The waiter walked over to us holding a steaming plate of lasagna. I groaned. This was not going to turn out well.
The moment the platter got put on the table, the demon jumped onto the food, devouring the entire thing. His face was covered in red sauce, making it look like he ate someone. I shuddered and yearned to leave this demonic restaurant.
After a few minutes, the demon gasped loudly.
"What?" I asked, although I already knew the answer.
"I forgot my heartburn pills..." he said, and I screamed.
Suddenly, the demon began to transform into, well, a demon.
The thing was, this creature was usually a human, but whenever he ate something and forgot his heartburn pills, he would turn into his true self.
I screamed.
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138,265 Literary Works • 672,093 Reviews
Hello there, Master of all foxes! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shall we begin?
Top Graham Cracker - The narrator is at an Italian restaurant with a demon, throughly frightened. The demon forgets to take his heartburn pills and turns into his true self…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - The narrator says that they want to leave the “demonic restaurant”. I think that you meant to talk about leaving the demon and not the restaurant itself, but if that’s not the case, then you can just ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described the man as having creepy teeth, a demon wouldn’t have “nice” teeth. I also like how he needs heartburn pills to stop himself from becoming a demon, that’s original.
Closing Graham Cracker - This was a fun demon story to read, I wonder if you’ll continue. The narrator knows that the man is a demon, but the real question is, why did they go out with him? Perhaps all will be revealed…
Goodbye, Master of all foxes! May you have a most beauteous day!
thanks for the review! This is actually the short-story version of a poem I'm writing in English class, I just changed it up a bit
Cool. :>
Salutations, Foxmaster!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
All in All
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
Even though this is a short story, it is a very neat concept. I love the fact that this is written in the first person's perspective. Cool name for the restaurant!
You do not have to take this suggestion if you do not want to:
I would suggest you make the demon human in the beginning and reveal in the end that he is really a monster in disguise. That way you have a surprise reveal and you can build up some pretty convincing tension
In the beginning when you start to describe the restaurant, you use a fancy double. I would suggest you use another word to describe the restaurant. That way your story is more appealing and more fun to read.
Try to phrase it differently. You do not have to use my phrasing, this is merely a suggestion of how you can make it better:
E.g
Before:
After:
You did a great job with this story and definitely kept my attention on all the time. I love the realistic chat there with her friend. It is just that touch of humour that this story needed. The open ending gives you space to either continue the story with a sequel or just leave it like that. I enjoyed reading this tale, it is very nice!
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
thanks for the review!
ofc.