Hello darling~
I know you asked that I check out some of your work, so—as requested—here I am!
I think this is a very creative story with a lot of potential. I like the premise and the goofy, silly tone you've struck. I have no doubt it could make for a super fun, entertaining piece. That said, this draft is rough around the edges, and it would benefit from a hearty edit.
One small thing, off the top: there were a lotttt of typos. Spelling mistakes, punctuation and capitalization errors, all of it. Make sure to proof your work before you publish it. It really does make a difference. Typos are super easy to catch and fix, so when you don't correct them, it lends an impression of carelessness to the work—like you couldn't be bothered to reread it and give it some polish. You don't want to make the reader think you're not invested in your own story. Also, on another note, typos are distracting—they take me out of whatever I'm reading, especially when there's a lot of them. So, in the future, I highly recommend you proof all your pieces before publishing, and make sure to correct as many typos as you can spot.
In terms of deeper, more meaningful critiques, I think this work suffered from a few key issues:
1. Pacing. It was really, really fast and short. As a result, it was hard to get invested in what was happening—or even really understand what was happening. Take your time when you're writing. Don't rush through key scenes. Let us linger on action, dialogue and description, especially if the action/dialogue/description is important to the plot. And that leads me to...
2. Clarity (or lack thereof). This draft was kinda unfocused and hard to follow. A LOT happened in this piece, but if you asked me to summarize what I just read, I don't think I'd be able to. And I read this piece twice! But I'm still unsure of exactly what took place. That's a problem.
3. Telling instead of showing. You've probably heard this adage a million times before, but you should try to show rather than tell. This piece told me things were happening and that they were a big deal, but you didn't show that to me. It's like the difference between a character narrating to us "I felt sick" vs. having them describe the symptoms they were experiencing (e.g., "my stomach was aching and my whole body was rattled with nausea," et cetera).
Here are some specific examples of problems you could fix.
Hello, there. My name is Kat. I am a magical spy-oop, classified information. Anyhow, the school for magical spies is extremely hard to get into, and you have to be the cream of the crop. Me and my friends Violet and Katy have been here for over five years... and we still haven't graduated. Plus, we're one of the seniors. We wait for our big quest. (that is what you must do to be fully qualified-you have to go on a quest.) But one day, we got our chance...
Don't ever start a story this way. It's an info-dump and it's unnecessary. Instead of telling us this information right at the beginning, show it to us. Weave it into the dialogue, action and description, as naturally as you can. Let us figure this out on our own, over time—don't spoon-feed it to us before the story's even begun.
We wait for our big quest. (that is what you must do to be fully qualified-you have to go on a quest.)
Since the parenthetical is its own sentence (and not a part of the sentence that precedes it), you need to capitalize the first letter (i.e., the T in "that"). Throughout this piece, there were many times when you didn't capitalize the first letter of a sentence. I won't be pointing them all out, but my advice is to keep an eye on that habit in the future, and to look for it when you're proofing/editing.
One reached out and toughed me
I'm assuming this is a typo and that you meant "touched"?
"I'm fine," I said, not feeling fine.
Show, don’t tell.
I belive you know what happened
Should be “believe.”
"Ready?" asked the cundocter
It’s spelled “conductor.”
I slowly got up, and , in my pajamas
Unnecessary space between “and” and the comma that follows it.
"This is it!" Yelled Katy. "We knew it! Kat must be evil!"
The first letter of a dialogue tag should never be capitalized, even when the dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation point. So, the Y in “yelled” should be lowercase. Also, I was very confused by this whole section. They’re assuming she’s evil because of this diary they found? Even though, theoretically, anyone could have written the diary? Just because it uses her name doesn’t matter—it could be a frame job, it could be someone else with the same name, et cetera. And the diary entry was dated 1963, so is this story set in the 60s or was that meant to indicate the diary was really old? Again: this is what I’m talking about when I discuss the lack of clarity within this piece. I had no idea what to make of that date or that diary or the reaction to it.
What’s even weirder is that you set this up as if it matters—as if this diary is going to be a big plot point and will get Kat in trouble—but then you completely disregard the storyline. Like, you just utterly abandon it without any conclusion, and without even mentioning it ever again. So what was the point of including it at all? Very confusing.
soon we were at the fair! There were tons of colorful tents and tons of Witches walking around.
Soon we got to a tent
“Soon” is repetitive. You don’t need to capitalize the W in “witches.” And I don’t think you need that exclamation point after “fair,” either.
that said, "Doctor Boog E. Feeva*, witch doctor." It turned out I was cursed to be able to see ghosts, so we had to get rid of it.
(*I have to give The Dog Man series credit.)
I have no idea what this means. I’m guessing you took the name “Doctor Boog E. Feeva” from some TV show or something, and that’s why you’re crediting The Dog Man? If so, it’s in bad form to include a meta author’s note randomly, midway through an otherwise-not-meta story. If you wanted to steal that name (which I also would not recommend—again, bad form) and give credit to the source, just mention it in an author’s note at the very end of the piece, after you've finished. Or maybe you could come up with your own original name for the character instead?
"Oh, there's no ghost there." I said. Everyone gasped.
What? Why? I don’t understand how that’s shocking enough to warrant gasps…
Then I said something very strange.
"Let's go into the maze," I said. Everyone looked at me strangely
Again, I don’t understand how/why this is strange? You’re telling me it’s strange without showing me. And also, the word “strange/strangely” is repetitive here.
"well, If you free us, then we can leave!" I said.
The W in “well” should be capitalized, and the I in “if” should be lowercase.
IT was the warning gong!
That T should be lowercase.
Xar the dark mage appeared o the balcony.
Another typo. You wrote “o the balcony” instead of “on the balcony.”
So, in summation, I think this story has promise. I like the tongue-in-cheek, irreverent tone. I like the creativity. I think the concept is a lot of fun. But it definitely needs work. When editing this piece or writing future stories, make sure to keep in mind everything I’ve mentioned: 1. your pacing, 2. the story's clarity, and 3. showing more, telling less. Also: proof your work! If you want people to be invested in what you post, you too should be invested in it—at least enough to reread it and to correct some of those pesky typos.
Keep writing and Happy Review Day!
Points: 17243
Reviews: 328
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