So, I am sure you all know about my true story about the overnight trip. But the thing is, I never really thought about what might have happened to him. How did he die? Who did he first haunt?! So, I'm generally making up a backstory for him. I actually have no idea what happened here so I am going to make this up. Enjoy! 👻
nine years later
One year later, Wilbur found the perfect pasty to haunt. A fancy charter school named St. Johns School for Little Learners (Although, ironically, it was a middle school,) came over for the weekend. Wilbur knew it was going to be a perfect time... for him. For the students there, it would be quite the opposite.
The children disembarked from the bus as Wilbur watched from a porch swing by the doors to the dormitory. The children, poor, naïve children, walked to the porch, gibbering happily. It was hilarious how quite a few of them stood right by Wilbur, having no idea how terrifying he would be if they actually saw him.
An old woman walked by the door and directed the children to the dormitories. Wilbur happily floated behind them, already envisioning the terror he would create. Wilbur knew it was going to be the best day of his life. Err- afterlife.
Wilbur watched as the boys zoomed into the dorm, each trying to get a to bunk. There was yelling, chaos, and a whole lot of saying, "HA!" Wilbur already had a headache, and decided to go spook the girls. Perhaps they were actually quiet.
Wilbur slowly opened the door to the girls dorm. He'd hoped it would be a lot quieter, more civilized- nope. It was the exact same, except they were also saying, "You want to be my bunkmate?"
Wilbur was angry. These children were stupid- they had no indoor voices, they had no respect for private property!
I'm going to teach them a lesson, he thought, angrily. So, he angrily stomped back to the boys dorm. The boys dorm had a room with a keypad that had a small room in it. Unfortunately, if you came in and closed the door, you would be locked in. Back when Wilbur had visited, he had not even stepped foot in there. He did not like dark rooms.
But now Wilbur was a ghost, which meant he could pass through walls. So, while he inspected all his options, Wilbur formed a plan. He slid into the room, and knocked on the door with all his might.
Suddenly, all the yelling in the room quieted. All eyes went to the door. Wilbur rapped again, this time rasping, "Help me...."
Heavy breathing could be heard, and, to make one final stunt, Wilbur screamed. It was a high pitched, shrill scream.
Thunk. Suddenly, it was chaos. Wilbur looked out, to see the boys fleeing the room. He chuckled, and knew that this was going to be such a fun time.
*Author's note: now, I'm going to alternate perspectives from the victims to Wilbur, just to make it more interesting and easier to narrate.*
~Bill~
Bill couldn't believe what he had just heard. It was.... it was terrifying. Had someone hid in there? Had it only been a joke?
No, it certainly couldn't have been. as he and the boys rushed out into the hall, the girls looked out with looks of confusion on their faces.
"What's going on?" a girl named Chenille asked curiously.
"It's... we heard.... knocking....screaming-"
"WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE WHILE WE STILL CAN!" screamed Bill, and it was a stampede for the door. The girls snorted and rolled their eyes.
"From where?" asked Lila, walking up to Bill. The girls and a few of the chaperones stood by the doorway as the boys tried to get themselves away from the lodge as fast as they could.
A boy named Mark pointed at the window in the room with a shaking hand. The window was dark and covered with a black mesh.
"That?" asked a chaperone. The boys nodded fearfully. Lila and Chenille walked over to the window, and began to knock on it.
"Helloooooo, anybody there?" asked Chenille jokingly. The boys cringed.
"Yeah, right, like ghosts exist." said Lila, turning away from the window. And, slowly, a knock came from the glass behind them.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Oohh…spooky fun! Wilbur is done with humanity, ready to make them all feel the pain that he felt when he was alive and locked away, frightened out of his mind.
It’s funny how Lila doesn’t think that a ghost is responsible for the noise. Of course a ghost is! Foolish human, how could you think that?
The students better be careful, they don’t want to end up like Wilbur…
I wish you an awesome day/night.
thanks for the review
You%u2019re welcome. :>
Greetings @foxmaster,
Diving into this piece with all eyes and a curious mind. I'm here to break down and share my thoughts on what's packed between these lines, so let's get into this review ride!
You have penned a tale that goes by the name of "The Curses of Wilbur", the second part. We are being reintroduced to the spine-chilling world of Wilburg the ghost. The story explores the depths of fear and the human psyche.
Let us set the scene, please. Lights! Camera! And action!
It is exactly one year later, and Wilbur has found his next prey, a charter school called St. John's School for Little Learners. I can feel the evil in Wilbur, who is sure to have a remarkable day. But of course, the remarkable day is promised only to Wilbur, no one else.
Unbeknownst to the unfortunate little kiddos, their entire weekend is about to be ruined. Instead of fun and happy memories, nightmares will follow them home. IF they get home.
We can experience the story from two perspectives, that of the ghost, Wilbur, and that of the unlucky kiddo, Bill. Your dialogue, as always, is amazing. Your setting, however, could use a little more work. When you have a well-executed setting, it can absolutely add to the suspense level of the story.
I felt myself a little out of place in the second part of the story. You mentioned that you wanted to create a background for Wilbur, but I didn't read about that in the story. And the "nine years later" doesn't really fit in. The new prey for Wilbur definitely adds to the suspense but it decreases because I can't really orientate myself in the plot.
Background information about the unlucky little kiddos, background information about Wilbur, his motive and ways to cause terror might just do the trick.
For example, the character Bill. How old is he? Where does he come from? What is he like? What does he look like? What are his characteristics? Of course, you don't have to throw all this information at the reader at once, but gradually.
If we look at the theme of your story, it might be better to start with his strengths and weaknesses, but especially his fears. Does he fear ghosts? Or itty-bitty cockroaches? Does he have nightmares about certain things?
And for Wilbur, to slowly reveal his motives and perhaps his true identity. Or you can keep his identity a secret until the end, for an enrourmos twist.
Here are a few ideas for his background:
- Tragic Past> The ghost was once a living person who lived a life filled with fear, trauma, and suffering. His untimely death left him consumed by the negative emotions he felt in life, which manifested as a need to share his pain with the living through fear.
- Betrayed and Vengeful> The spirit was betrayed by someone it deeply trusted, leading to its demise. His vengeful spirit seeks to cause others to experience the same terror and betrayal.
- Unresolved Business> The ghost may have left important business unfinished when he died, causing his spirit to be restless. It believes that by scaring and terrorizing people, it can draw attention to its unfinished business and finally find peace.
But keep in mind that these are just points for improvement, please do not take them as criticism.
All in all, I think you've written an otherwise incredible story. With a few improvements, you could make it even better. But I can't help but applaud the sheer brilliance you've poured into the story. Wilbur's perspective was just like a twisted delight in evil (which I definitely enjoyed). You've set the stage for something remarkable, and I'm left with an undeniable hunger for more. So, please, do consider continuing this gripping tale and let me know when the next chapter is ready.
Yours in Puzzling Shadows,
Rose
Thanks! I'll tag you when the next chapter comes out.