(this story was a story submitted to a contest.)
I have a dream to tell you.
…
…
On my dream, I stood at the edge of a clear lake. The night was still and there was no other sound except for the rustling of the trees. They stood on the corners like a wall. I look above me and I see the red clouded sky and they move like a fleeting ship on a stagnant sea.
There was a swan at the centre. It did not move. It did look at me. It stood there. I stared at it and at its elegance. The gleaming form seemed familiar but I never remember what it is. A light caught my eye. It was a house at the corner of my eye. It was a beautiful house. The glittering red carpet shone with great grandeur. I stare at it. I move closer. It welcomed me.
The inside was beautiful. It was painted with white and silver. The walls stood like a gigantic mountain. Infinite doors stood at each side. But I followed the red carpet deeper and deeper to the house until it led me to an old wooden door at the end with its surface scratched and bolted. It bears my name.
I opened the door just for the red carpet led me there. There inside stood a table on a room that look like a cell. On the middle was a lonely wooden table. A child sat on it. She had my appearance and she held numerous red forks on her hand. Each fork had a strange description on it but I cannot see it. She was toying with the dead swan with its decapitated body on the table with it. The swan’s body was all gone in my subconscious reality. She looked at me with the most sarcastic smile and she said something. Then she placed a long red fork on her neck and thrust it inside.
…
I wake up… and this is what she said:
…
“Your Life…your Body… your existence and everything you possess will be MINE
"ps
this story might need some help...don't you think?"
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The promised review
*: How is the night still? Is the air still?
**: The corners of what? The forest? The Lake? The World?
***: This made no sense to me. How is the red clouded sky moving like a ship?
*: This repetition of eye bothers me. Try to combine these two sentences.
**: If you're outside and you just notice the house how would you see red carpet inside? Where is he in relation to this house?
*: I don't like how this is worded. It sounds strange to me. The 'just for' part is what really stands out to me.
**: Alright, this should all be completely reworded. I would say something like this, 'The room resembled a small cell, it was completely bare except for a wooden table in the middle of the room.'
***: This is worded funny to me as well.
Freaky
Alright, this is kind of a rough start but it has potential. Just clean up some of the things that sound a little strange or out of place and I think it will improve a lot. A good way to check for things that sound weird is to read it out loud to yourself.
I think the main thing in this story to try to fix is the timing. Everything thing just seems to jump around a lot. I think this could be improved a lot by just adding a lot more description.
If you want me to look over it again after you edit it just PM me
Good luck with the contest!
-Carly
(PS...i'll review your other story tomorrow...))
Hey, once again, 2:1 ratio
So make four reviews on anything you want in the literary forums and then I'll review this too! Just send me a PM when you're done
-Carly