z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fire Underneath of Things - 17

by Rook


~1005 words

Grey

They all watched Tommy’s form disappear behind the door. There was a beat of silence before Ivy whirled on Grey. “Who was that?” she demanded.

Grey shrugged uncomfortably. “Just a friend, I guess.”

“Why are you friends with him? He’s a jerk!”

Grey shrugged again. How could he tell Ivy that Tommy had been his only friend his age for years now? Then, the door opened again. Grey half-expected that Tommy had decided he wasn’t finished harassing Nikki and had come back, but it was just potential new recruits. They looked around the room with curious, wide eyes. Grey felt bad for them: they had no idea what they were in for. The room was filled with its usual awkward silence, and because Grey still needed to ask Jack for something, he couldn’t sneak away. Instead, he sank onto the pew next to Jack and braced himself for the coming torrent of doomsday talk from Alder. Ivy and Nikki followed suit and sat on the other side of Jack. Ivy appeared to be consoling Nikki, who still looked a little shaken.

Alder cleared his throat and began with a strong, “There is a darkness roiling beneath the Earth! Soon, it will cover the sky!”

Grey felt Jack relax next to him. When he glanced over, Jack had leaned back in his seat and closed is eyes. How that man is able to relax when Alder’s up there yelling is beyond me, Grey thought. The apocalyptic warnings always set him on edge. When he looked over at Ivy and Nikki, they appeared to be trying to understand what the old man was blabbering on about. Their eyebrows were furrowed in concentration on his words. Good luck, Grey thought. I’ve been listening to this for years and I still don’t understand it.

Not too far into Alder’s rantings, the first people in the audience started to leave, one by one. They trickled out, some shaking their heads, some casting pitying looks at Alder, and some looking embarrassed to have even been seen in the room. The last one to go was an old man who had been sitting in the front. He stood up with a grunt and a shake of his bald head. When he turned around to go, he was surprised to find that the room was nearly empty. He quickly popped on his tatty bowler hat and rushed out the door with a limp. A few seconds after the door had shut, Alder trailed off. He squinted down at the back pew and asked, “Is it just you all left then?”

“I’m afraid so,” Jack called back, seemingly woken from his half-sleep.

“Drat,” spat Alder. He crossed to his office door and shut himself in.

Jack stretched leisurely and said, “And with that, I must be off.” He began to stand up, but Grey pulled on his arm.

“Actually, Jack, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?” said Jack, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes.” Grey glanced meaningfully at the girls, but they didn’t seem to take the hint.

Ivy turned to Grey and said, conversationally, “Alder’s quite a character, isn’t he? I wonder why we don’t see more of him in the workshop.”

“He used to be there more, but I suppose being absolutely bonkers takes up most of his time now,” Grey responded dryly.

“Maybe we could discuss it in the entry room, then?” Jack suggested, jerking his head toward the door.

“All right.”

“After you,” Jack said with a sweeping gesture.

Just as Jack closed the door behind him, Alder poked his head out of his office. “Nikki? Ivy? Can you come here? I’d like to talk with you.”

Grey was curious what Alder wanted with the girls, but he had more important business to attend to than eavesdropping. 

“So? What do you want?”

“Well,” Grey started, not sure how to begin, “you are involved in the acquisition of… curious items, right?”

“Perhaps,” Jack said slowly, narrowing his eyes.

“I was hoping you would be able to find me a particular item that is not normally sold in public shops.”

“Be more specific, boy. I don’t have all day for you to dance around the subject like a ballerina.”

“A scrying sphere,” Grey blurted. “Can you get me one?”

“Oh just a scrying sphere. Yeah, I can do that for you. Though what a boy like you would want with something like that is beyond me.”

“I didn’t come here to be questioned.” Grey tried to sound indignant and unconcerned.

“Right, well, it’s gonna cost you.”

“How much?”

“Two pounds.”

Grey’s jaw dropped. “What?”

Jack looked amused. “You’re dealing with the black market here, and not just any black market. It’s he magic black market. A scrying sphere is a cheap little bauble compared to what most people hire me to buy for them. Normally I’d turn down such a piddling offer, but because I consider you a friend,” he paused to give Grey a significant look, “I’ll do this for you.”

Grey grumbled, but Jack had a point. “I suppose you’re right,” he said. “I don’t suppose you’d lower the price for me, since I’m your friend?” His voice didn’t hold much hope.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, Lennox Grey,” Jack said in the resonant tones of a pious philosopher.

“Yeah, yeah.” Grey dug around in the pockets of his coat, pulling out pennies and shillings, and a single golden pound coin. He’d brought a lot of money with him, just in case the scrying sphere ended up more expensive than he expected. He’d never thought it would cost a full two pounds though. He only hoped he had enough.

Jack counted through the coins. When he’d finished, he pushed three pence back at Grey and pocketed the rest. “I’ll get that scrying sphere to you as soon as I can. Pleasure doing business with you.” Jack tipped his hat and left.

“Yeah, you too,” Grey said sarcastically after he’d gone. His coat felt uncomfortably light now that the heavy coins were gone. No matter, he thought, I’ll make all that back and more once I have the sphere.


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Wed Sep 20, 2017 10:52 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Ohhh I'm halfway the-ere...

Nit-picks and nice moments:

It’s the magic black market.

Oh man you got so close to zero nit-picks!

Overall:

I return to the fact that I would quite like to hear what exactly Alder is saying. It's quite flat to just have a madman's ramblings. There has to be some sort of angle to it, some thing that he actually believes is going to happen. I do think it detracts from the story to not have that, because this is a pivotal thing about why they're there. It means that... you know in a DnD campaign when you start off with loads of different characters and you have to work out a reason for them to work together... I'm not saying it's that bad, but that's the direction it tends toward. It's not that there's any logical gap. They're there because they were intrigued by something Alder said (although it would be nice to know specifically what). But when the madman's ramblings don't feel as concrete and real as they could be, it means that the thing that the logical links go to isn't as convincing.

After me saying that Jack was vaguely satirical, I think he has continued along this path in a good way. He is exactly who you would expect, which sort of just makes him vibrant. He's larger than life. He is a story character. But this is fine because, for now at least, he is a side character.

I'm also really starting to get engaged in your plot with Grey's machine. I wonder how this is going to play into the trouble between Tommy and Nikki+Ivy that is surely brewing. Looking forward to that.

Hope this helps (and now I really am going to bed),
Biscuits :)




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Tue Jun 13, 2017 2:30 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey there!

So I really like the way Alder began his speech and then people started to trickle away. Makes me think that this happens a lot ;) (I suspect I might sneak away too). But I also agree with BlueAfrica that showing bits and pieces of the speech in the scene might be a good idea to show his craziness, and that showing his reaction would be fun.

Just as a technical thing, I'd suggest trimming down your adverbs a little. Replacing adverb+verb combos with stronger verbs can strengthen your sentences. Try counting how many adverbs you have--they're especially tied to dialogue tags. I don't think I find too much in the beginning and the end but there was quite a bit in the part where the four were talking about Alder.

After Alder called Ivy and Nikki to his office, I was a little confused because I thought they were still there! Even if I know they're supposed to go eventually, I'm not quite sure when. Maybe there could be a line telling the reader that they went into his office. As a side note, I'm quite curious as to what went on there! Will that scene come out in Ivy's PoV?

Anyway. Another note I have is that I imagine Grey'd be shocked at Tommy's harassing and maybe it might leak over to his thoughts. Or would it be overkill? For example, maybe the "Ivy comforting Nikki" part might have evoked some kind of emotion about what Tommy did. I assume he must be pretty upset that his friend would do such a thing after talking about Ivy to him.

When I was reading the deal between Grey and Jack, I was thinking, "Come on, Grey, just pay up. This is magical and Jack will have to go to great lengths to get it. Trading in black markets is illegal, and it could be risky for Jack to try to get a scrying sphere there". I was also wondering if Jack bumped up the price so high that Grey had to really find a way to get the money--or he wouldn't get the orb. Hehe--he'd have to really scramble for money. Just a ramble.

Fun chapter here, and I'm looking forward for the next!

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Mon Jun 12, 2017 5:17 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Last one!

So, there we go, there was Ivy wondering why the heck Grey would be friends with someone like that and also Grey thinking basically exactly what I said about why. Excellent. (Although my notes on Ivy's feelings in the last chapter still stand.)

I'm enjoying Jack, but it might just be because he's totally chill and not creepy at all? Even if he does charge a lot. I mean, it's a magical item, Grey.

So I don't know if we've actually heard Alder's speech, but if we haven't heard it before, you might want to include it in full so we can see just how crazy this guy is. I love all the people walking out far before it's finished and Alder just looking up like, "Just you guys, huh?" and saying "Drat," which was kind of the best part.

Even if we've heard it in entirety before - say, the first time Ivy and Nikki attended the meeting - it might be nice to have, not exactly a recap, but to have bits and pieces of it sprinkled throughout the chapter (to the point where the speech is finished). Also: does Alder actually get so into his speech he doesn't notice people leaving? Or does he notice? And if he does, does he either somehow try to convince them to stay or condemn them to his remaining listeners? I feel like that would really make the crazy come alive more.

Whew! All done. :)

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