z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fire Underneath of Things - 13

by Rook


~1057 words

Ivy

Nikki and Ivy sat on the rug, being warmed by the flames that matched Nikki’s fiery hair. Ivy felt her clothes drying in the comfortable heat. In the next room, she could hear Nikki’s mother bustling around the kitchen and Nikki’s little brothers and sisters running around.

“So why’re you here?” Nikki asked. “Not that you need a reason to come. Like I keep telling you, you’re welcome any time! But it’s been so long, I figured you must have a reason.”

“Yeah,” said Ivy, stroking Ghost’s black fur. He too was sitting as close to the fire as he dared. His yellow eyes sparkled in the firelight, looking like lit embers among coal. “I was just a little lonely.”

“That’s it? That’s a mighty questionable story from someone who seems to love spending all their time alone.”

“Well, I guess Grey got me a little creeped-out,” Ivy admitted.

“Why?” Nikki looked genuinely confused. “What did he do? I thought he was a pretty great guy. A little on the eccentric side but…” she trailed off, gesturing inarticulately.

“Well, for starters, I wasn’t going to go to the society yesterday night. Then he shows up at my store and scares the living daylights out of me. Didn’t even knock.”

“Well, that’s boorish, but not really creepy, isn’t it?”

“Then he convinces me to go with him, and starts treating me all like a princess or something. Like I’m some delicate daisy.”

“That just seems like he was trying to be polite to make up for his rudeness to me.”

“I guess. But he’s never treated me that way before. And he… kissed my hand.”

“What!?” Nikki squealed. “My theory was right! He does like you!”

“Ew what no please stop he does not.”

“Oh come on. It’s so obvious too!”

“Stop,” Ivy whined. “And even if he did that doesn’t make me okay with that!”

“He’s kinda cute, though, hey Ivy?” Nikki elbowed her in the ribs. “Got that rugged sort of look.”

“I think you mean dirty sort of look.” But Ivy did have to admit he wasn’t bad looking.

“Oh I can see that look in your eye! You’re thinking about it,” Nikki teased.

“Even if he is cute, he still weirded me out. I don’t even know him yet. How much do you even know about him?”

“Enough to know he’s got your name engraved on his heart.”

“Nikki! You’re unbelievable!”

Just then, the boy who had answered the door poke his head into the room. “Mum wants to know if you need thumthing,” he lisped.

“Not right now, thank you,” said Ivy.

The boy looked at Nikki.

“Nah, Todd. I’m good.”

“How about the kitty?” He asked, eying Ghost.

“Actually, yeah. A bowl of milk for my cat,” said Ivy.

“Yeth ma’am.” He walked out of the room.

Ivy listened to the comforting sounds of fire crackling, rain pattering, and people chatting through the house. Ivy though she heard the sound of a flute drifting from some distant room in the house. “Todd’s a lot bigger now. It seems like he was just a baby the last time I saw him.”

“Yeah,” Nikki mused. “He’s a good kid.”

Soon he came back through the door, holding a saucer of milk very carefully in both hands. Ghost eyed him as he approached.

“I got your milky-milky, kitty! Are you a friendly kitty?” Todd held out his hand. Ghost sniffed it, and then rubbed his cheeks on it. Todd giggled. “What’s it’s name?” He looked at Ivy.

“His name is Ghost,” she supplied with a smile.

“Ooh, did he haunt you?”

“No.” She laughed. “He’s too sweet for that.”

“This is a thmart kitty cat,” Todd observed. He pet Ghost a little longer before springing up and announcing, “I’m going out!”

“In this rain?” asked Nikki.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go look for thnailth!”

“Don’t bring any inside with you! I don’t want to find a single snail in your drawer this time!” Nikki called after him, but he was already out the door.

“Grey saw something in Ghost too. Said he could read his mind or something,” said Ivy.

“Maybe there’s more to him than meets the eye,” suggested Nikki.

Ivy snorted. “Or maybe he’s just an extra nosy cat who’s more troublesome than he has a right to be.” Ghost flicked his tail at that as he lapped up the milk.

“I just think you should give Grey another chance. Like you said, we hardly know him, but that’s no reason to keep us from getting to know him better. Give love a chance, Ivy!”

“Love? That’s another thing. He’s known us just as long. If you think he… loves me, that was awfully quick.”

“Maybe he just falls in love easily. And when he does, he falls hard. No punches pulled.”

“I just don’t feel comfortable around him. But,” she went on, after seeing Nikki’s expression, “I suppose I’d be willing to give him another chance.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about everything and nothing. Ivy’s clothes finally dried. She and Nikki climbed up to Nikki’s attic bedroom, while Ghost was left to stalk around the main floor. In the attic, the rain pattered even louder against the roof, to the point where they had to raise their voices if they wanted to hear each other. For the most part, they stayed quiet, wrapped up in heavy quilts and watching rain drip down the tiny attic windows. It was cozy, so cozy in fact that Ivy fell asleep.

She only woke up when Nikki shook her awake. “It’s time for dinner sleepyhead! Mum made your favorite soup from last year’s pumpkins that we canned! Get up get up!”

Ivy stretched out of the tight ball she’d been sleeping in, rubbed her eyes, and yawned. Then she followed Nikki down the ladder and joined the boisterous family sitting at a long wooden table.

The dinner was excellent, as Nikki’s mother’s cooking always was. It warmed Ivy to the bone. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this happy. Maybe Nikki was right when she said Ivy was lonely in her flower shop alone. When Ivy and Nikki went to bed for the night, Ivy stayed awake, imagining her own family. She wasn’t sure when her thoughts merged into her dreams.


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Wed Sep 20, 2017 3:18 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



You'd think I'd have less time to review with uni starting back, but it turns out you do nothing in the first week even in third year.

Nit-picks:

He too was sitting as close to the fire as he dared. His yellow eyes sparkled in the firelight, looking like lit embers among coal.

Idk if it's just that I like cats, but this bit of description made me grin really wide.

“That just seems like he was trying to be polite to make up for his rudeness to meyou.”


Ivy thought she heard the sound


Overall:

The first thing that jumped out at me was that you managed to characterise Todd really well even in the small amount of time we met him. Ghost's characterisation is also coming along nicely. I think this might have been a point to do a little more with Nikki - maybe tell us her reason for being so keen to get Ivy to give Grey a chance, or rather hint at it. But you've got plenty of time to tell us about Ivy, and presumably Todd is only around just now anyway, so I guess that's alright.

It's interesting what you've done with Grey. Because obviously I know that he was just being awkward with all the bowing and stuff, but I also know that Ivy doesn't. I think I might have liked another Grey chapter before this one since this is now three Ivy's in a row. It's just interesting to look at this from the outside and observe characters interacting imperfectly with each other. On the other hand, maybe it'll be fun to build up a view of Grey that gets turned on its head next time we look at it from his perspective. That could actually be quite a jolt, which would be fun.

Somehow I doubt this will be my last review today,
Biscuits :)




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Mon May 15, 2017 2:35 pm
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RavenBlack wrote a review...



Hey Raven Black here!

Omg I loved this, you made me laugh and smile throughout!

Let's start with the positives! :-)
- Has I said, great read really enjoyed reading it, mainly because of the humour. Nikki is literally me with my sister, always teasing her about boys she likes. Her comments were the best, especially loved: “Enough to know he’s got your name engraved on his heart.”

- Characters were superb and interesting! I'm intrigued at Ivy (my character in my story shares the same name :-D), you mentioned that she's usually alone but all of a sudden she wants company. This was probably mentioned in the previous chapters so forgive me, or the question will be answered soon enough...

- The cat is extremely cute by the way and so is Todd!

Negatives :-(
- This doesn't feel like it should be in its own chapter for me. I thought it'll suit best as a section of one, not as its own.

- “Ew what no please stop he does not.” There should be some punctuation in this section of dialogue, or written another way. E.g. “No he doesn't.” Plus speech is abbreviated because in real life no one uses full form.

- In this line: 'His yellow eyes sparkled in the firelight, looking light lit embers among coal' I didn't understand what you meant be 'looking light lit embers among coal'. Did you mean 'looking like lit embers among coal' or am I dumb T_T

Keep Writing xx




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Mon May 15, 2017 2:30 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi fortis. Sorry I couldn't review some of the other chapters; I'll be doing this one.

The conversation between Nikki and Ivy was the strongest part. It's like one side (Ivy) is feeling rather scared off by somebody (Grey), and her friend (Nikki) is telling her to give the somebody a chance. It's realistic, because Grey seems like a nice guy so Nikki just thinks he has a crush on Ivy. The only thing I wished was that I could hear Ivy's thoughts when she said "I suppose I'd be willing..." Did she feel uncomfortable? pressed? I know this is a friend-pressuring stuff--it's kind of letting yourself be reluctantly convinced.

And it also makes me wonder about Ivy's family. I never ever heard of them--it's always being Ivy alone. The mystery interests me and I hope we will learn in due time. Who is her family? How did she end up alone? Is she related to that secret society (sorry, I don't remember the name)?

I just want to point out talking heads here:

“Well, that’s boorish, but not really creepy, isn’t it?”

“Then he convinces me to go with him, and starts treating me all like a princess or something. Like I’m some delicate daisy.”

“That just seems like he was trying to be polite to make up for his rudeness to me.”

“I guess. But he’s never treated me that way before. And he… kissed my hand.”

“What!?” Nikki squealed. “My theory was right! He does like you!”

“Ew what no please stop he does not.”

“Oh come on. It’s so obvious too!”


We don't know what is going on other than the talking. While a boatload of tags will definitely slow down the narrative, I would have liked to have seen one or two extra (or perhaps this is just my personal opinion). Maybe the bit about Ivy explaining would slow it down, but the "Ew what no" bit could have a tag like "Ivy shuddered and held out her hands" or something like that. Well, anyway, having tags or not (I think) depends on the speed of the dialogue.

This was another fun chapter, and I'm looking forward to read more of it! Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it.

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Mon May 15, 2017 11:54 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



“Well, that’s boorish, but not really creepy, isn’t it?”


...yeah, Nikki, it actually is.

I just relate so hard to Ivy in this chapter.

“Then he convinces me to go with him, and starts treating me all like a princess or something. Like I’m some delicate daisy.”

“That just seems like he was trying to be polite to make up for his rudeness to me.”

“I guess. But he’s never treated me that way before. And he… kissed my hand.”

“What!?” Nikki squealed. “My theory was right! He does like you!”

“Ew what no please stop he does not.”

“Oh come on. It’s so obvious too!”

“Stop,” Ivy whined. “And even if he did that doesn’t make me okay with that!”


And then we got here

“I just don’t feel comfortable around him. But,” she went on, after seeing Nikki’s expression, “I suppose I’d be willing to give him another chance.”


and I was like, "No! Don't! It's a trap!" I mean, I'm sure Grey probably will turn out to be a decent guy, because that's the way of stories, but...and I'm sure in real life Ivy's friends would react exactly this way, and she would eventually cave to peer pressure and give Grey another chance because he's a Nice Guy, but...

Like, she's uncomfortable with him, but she's willing to let her friend thinking it's cute to push her into giving him a chance anyway. STAY STRONG, IVY.

Well, anyway.

I mean, I'm fully expecting this will blossom into a romance, so.

ANYWAY but like for real.

“Don’t bring any inside with you! I don’t want to find a single snail in your drawer this time!” Nikki called after him, but he was already out the door.


Siblings <3 Todd's lisp threw me, though. I dunno if it's because it's weird to actually see it written out, or because sometimes it went away, or because it made it sound like he'd bitten his tongue or something.

I like Nikki's family and her farmhouse. Omg this part

In the attic, the rain pattered even louder against the roof, to the point where they had to raise their voices if they wanted to hear each other. For the most part, they stayed quiet, wrapped up in heavy quilts and watching rain drip down the tiny attic windows. It was cozy, so cozy in fact that Ivy fell asleep.


I'll go be cozy in a rainy farmhouse attic. Please and thank you.

And I'm intrigued by this.

When Ivy and Nikki went to bed for the night, Ivy stayed awake, imagining her own family.


I hadn't really thought about it while reading, but yeah: where is Ivy's family? I mean, I didn't question it to this point, but wow, yeah, she's just got this flower shop she runs all by her lonesome. So that gives me a nice mystery to look forward to. (I mean, I assume it's not a mystery to her, or maybe it is, but either way it's something for me to learn about.)

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