This was originally one big lump. I've tried to divide it into stanzas, but as you can see, I got a little stuck on the middle section.
Also, lots of slang here. It was intentional.
Edit: Thanks to stargazer for helping me with the stanzas.
Edit 2: Changed the name to Rejection. I think it fits better, and I have another work I want to call Pain......
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There's a lump in my throat that just won't go
Away
No matter how much I pray
Because you don't want me,
you don't need me
You can't even see how I'm suffering and
You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'
'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair
How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!"
But evidently I'm not as important to you as I thought I was
Guess that
All the love and the gifts and
the talking and the texting and hugs,
Meant nothing to you.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm fallin' to pieces over you
And you don't even notice so I take that to mean
That you don't even care.
So I'll smile and I'll wear
This fake air of indifference
Pretendin' like this doesn't hurt me
No matter how painful it becomes.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
I liked it BTW.
First, I congratulate you on being featured. Second, the title changed since I've checked this out yesterday. Third, I'd like to say is: You're a YWS addict. I'm so cool for bringing you here.
kidding. On to more serious work!
The "Away" part totally made me pause to long... Was that intentional? It as a bit hard to read. I'd rather read it with the flow of a complete sentence. Though it does work a bit, because the first line is a sentence in itself. It's just, the "away" seemed like a forced word to make it rhyme. Hmm... but it does work, somehow.
I'm not quite sure of your punctuations now. And the capitalization rule you're following. I don't like interfering with poem punctuation, on how one uses his or her punctuation (and capitalization), but I'd like to point out that you've shown some inconsistencies. The pink part, it was a line connected to the previous line, which you've ended with a comma, and so you used lower case letters to start the pink line off. The blue part seems to be a whole sentence it itself too. But my problem is, you used an end, there's no comma, I know, but you capitalized the following line, which just confuses me.
Here's another instance. Standard English applied, there should be a comma after bathroom, because "thinkin'" is a participle. But instead you did not put a comma, and capitalized T.
Feels like you've got a heavy Southern accent while writing this? Hihi... kidding. The 'Cuz part, consider that if you'd like to bring an accent, a personality in this case; but if not, try completing it, as in 'Cause (because).
The rhyming (for me) is a bit awkward. Being injected at some parts, lacking at most. But as I said, I don't like interfering with poem much. I just keep on suggesting things, pointing out parts that seem awkward. But really, it's up to you.
The purple line is kind of awkward, too. It was like you want the reader to run out of breath. It was a bit out of rhythm in your poem. 'Cause there are more lines in which you were kind of choppy:
So the "how you say" part seems off for me for this particular poem.
OVERALL
I like it that you've changed the title. It's more suiting now than "Pain". Plus, pain's seems to be a grazed title. Ouch, this poem hurts. And hey, is this what you're going through right now? WHY!?
I kind of hated one line:
Not in a bad hate way though. I hate 'cause it hurts. The poem was so literal that it hurts! Tsk, tsk... Puppy... what are you hiding?
I'm babbling subjective matter now. I think this is where my review ends. I'm glad I read this, 'cause I really like it. =) Many teenagers will love this. It's ouch. It's literal enough. It hurts. Most important,
...it's true.
Great job, Puppy V!
Jash ♥
Wow, I am truly in love with this poem!
Let me just say that--
utterly amazed me, I am honestly blown away, not only because it relates to my life 100%, but also the way you stated this emotion makes it so much stronger.
I do like the title, a lot, and I can’t wait to read more of your work.
I see that most of the grammar errors have already been pointed out so I won’t bother pointing things out that have already been pointed out, but if I could say two things—
--I think the last two lines need to flow a little more, not necessarily rhyme, I just think
leaves on such a broken note…if that makes sense.
--I think your next poem needs a stronger name then just ‘pain’ but that’s just me.
Snowberry!
I really enjoyed this.
This was really good, and very relatable.
This was all very good. You picked a very real feeling and I have to guess you probably witnessed it first-hand. I could see everything you said in this poem, even though there is not a lot of fancy imagery wording. Good job!
Hey I'm SweetMoments and I'll be your reviewer today!
I really loved the imagery in this piece and the raw emotion as well! I know exactly how you feel and have felt it very recently and the poem basically spells out my emotions.
There is not many nitpicks except that friend seemed a little repetitive in one stanza, it might just be me but, I thought it disrupted the flow
Go Team Power Rangers! Be grateful for this review too because last night I bailed because I was sick but, I am back again! Mwhahahaha
Oh, this is such a great poem. I share SO much empathy with you. We are in the same shoes my friend. Now the nitpicks:
After I read this poem, I was left wondering, what happened??
This sounds like the effect of something else.
I really wanted a story about this "friendship." I wanted to hear your side of the story, because OF COURSE, everyone has their own view of how the story goes. But, overall, without the whole story thing, I believe you expressed your emotions beautifully. I couldn't have done better.
Great job. I will enjoy reading more of your work in the future. Maybe, a story behind this poem?
What also slightly bothers me is the fact you rhyme every other stanza. Did you do that on purpose? Just curious. I enjoy what you were trying to put out there, and respect you for revealing your feelings. Keep writing.
~Panda;;
Hey, this was probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. You have practically summed up my feelings and emotions over the past 2 weeks. I am currently going through a ruff stage in my f=relationship with my 'best' friend and this is exactly how I feel. I am going to follow you
Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo
"You'll never know how much time
I've spent cryin' over you in the bathroom
Thinkin', 'What should I do?'
'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel
If you don't care?
Just doesn't seem fair
How you say, "She's my best friend" and leave me out and the worst part is
You don't even see how it makes me wanna shout
"What am I then? I thought you were my friend!""
Overall, the feel of the poem was okay. I feel like you didn't really plan out the words, though - you just kind of threw them out on the keyboard and didn't control your feelings. I do that all the time. I feel so strongly a certain way that I just pour out my feelings and don't think twice about how the words sound. That's why I would read this over a few more times and make the timing less awkward, especially in the lines I've repeated above. Also, the words "cryin'" and "'cuz" sound very young and inexperienced.
Sorry for the crappy review, Pup. I am exhausted now.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:
Overall an okay poem, however there are many things that I feel could be improved upon. I will colour these in red and put my suggestions beside them in bold.
I realise that I've been quite harsh, but it's only because I know that this poem has potential. You just need to build a rhythm and a beat to the poem so that is easier to read. It also would be nice to fix the rhyme scheme which seems a bit all over the place at present.
Keep Writing,
~Crimson
This was like woah! That was amazing ^^ Good job anime keep up the good work!!!! I really loved this and I can't find anything wrong that no one has picked out already so yay! Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your works soon!!!! Love it and Happy Review Day!!!! Happy Writing and best of lucks.
Soulkana<3
well, first off, I really liked this ^_^ it was emotional, yet not too cliche, and very interesting xD
) go:
I'm afraid to say, although stargazer9927 split your stanzas up for you, which was brilliant of her, it completly threw of the rhyme scheme in places, here's how it should (in my opinion
There, simple wasn't it?
Keep up the writing!
~Tinkem
Wow very emotional. it had a good sense of heartbreak and rejection. I just had an issue with the rhythm is all. It wasn't regular, the rhyming didn't seem forced or anything but I just felt the pattern was all off. Especially since it is lyrical poetry, which is meant to have good rhythm. Other than that this was just fine. very nice work.
I do absolutely love it. The lack of structure really draws me to the poem. However the 'falling to pieces' is very cliche. I mean, there is a lot of other ways you can put it in that aren't cliche, but I guess that it can give a visual of someone collapsing. I can relate to it, and I don't reccommend explaining why. After all, it should be able to relate to a lot of people.
I don't really have anything new to point out (after all, the people above pointed out everything) but good job!
Hi there,
I absolutely loved the amazing description in all of this and I loved the truth in it. Every word was well thought out and the end result was the most incredible thing some one could possibly write. I was so blown away reading this and it's certainly something I can relate to because it's so interesting to read and everything about it is beautiful, simple and true. I have nothing negative to say about this because it's so cool! Nothing in this was written without thought and you are obviously an amazing writer.
From CuteJackRussell
I can give you some tips on how you should divide your stanzas.
I'm sorry I didn't make them even, but I didn't really see a way to make them even unless you just did four lines each.
Beautiful poem. I think many people can relate to this. Although I'm not sure why the slang was intentional. It would make sense if that was your character, but I don't see why you would need to develop your character for a poem. Or maybe you had your own reasons. Readers don't always know what an author's thinking when they write poetry, so most of they time they just have to guess:)
Hey hey hey.
Something about this poem was just a bit off for some reason. I think it was because of your unique and interesting way of writing poetry. You like to make stanzas as long as you feel needed and as short as you feel needed. Then again, you have to know the rules to break the rules.
This poem seems like it can relate to a lot of people. Awesome job.
Honestly, I can't think of any nitpicks because I was too busy relating.I feel the same, but the guy has no idea I exist. I think this was very easily relatable, and well written. Keep writing and good luck!
I like the jagged nature and lack of structure. It very acurately depicts the mindset of someone who is upset, so cootos there. Because your going with the whole stream of conciousness thing, it would probably be better as one big paragraph. The tiny stanzas at the beggining and end just ruin the flow. Also I love the accessablitlity of the laguage-- its very real. Great poem!
I really enjoyed this! The format was interesting and exciting and flowed nicely. Here's what I noticed:
Overall, this was really cool! To me it sounds sort of like a song. This has great emotion to it and I loved reading it. Keep up the good work and keep writing!!
"'Cuz why should I tell you how I feel/if you don't even care?"
Favoritest lines ever!! Seriously that quote just about sums up the pain. Yep.
Nitpicks:
"How can you say 'she's my best friend' and leav me out" Waaaaait. Leave you out of WHAT?
"I'm falln' to pieces over you" Hon that is super duper cliche. And I know you are way more original than that.
The last stanza seems a bit forced. As if you had trouble closing this. I think the word fake doesnt fit. Maybe failed? Not sure, this is yours. Also, maybe the wording on the last two lines was a teensy bit off. Maybe "pretendin' that I'm stil __[insert good word like standin']__ \ though you've taken all my strength" just suggestions.
Of course i can totally relate. It is frustrating when you want someone to notice your shattered but no one does. You really did good, and really my nitpicks are personal prefrences. This is your poem, not mine.