Young Writers Society

The high rating is for the passing mention of a horrible thing.

Let's just say that this is from the perspective of a potential character in a potential story.

Yeah. Let's go with that.

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I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry

This is my mantra.

Some people would be surprised.

"You're so happy!" they might say. At two of my previous churches, I was known for my hugs. I'm bouncy. I like jokes. I like being enthusiastic about things.

I'm also putting up a front, because I'm always afraid of doing something wrong.

Ironically, bounciness often leads to doing something out of line, and then someone has to put me in check, and then I feel like a kicked puppy.

It's not the other person's fault. Most of the time, they're right.

Which is why I take it so hard.

I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry

There are some anime characters who say that a lot. Only, for them it's gomennasaigomennasaigomennasaigomennasaigomennasaigomennasai...

I think some people find those characters annoying. I haven't really paid attention. And I can see why they would be irritating.

I've only ever sympathized.

With me, though, it's mostly internal. I have a writer's personality in that I bottle things up. I try to appear calm on the outside, and sometimes I think it actually takes away my ability to feel. I'll hear something really sad (this many people have died, this person was raped, this person was scarred for life) and just think, "Well, that's life. It's better to get used to it."

Then I'll cry over my mom cutting down my favorite tree.

I often think of Tatu's song, Gomenasai. Yes, they butcher the pronunciation. Yes, it's about something that I don't think I've experienced.

But-- at least for me-- the "gomen nasai" (and in case you were wondering, it means "I'm so sorry" in Japanese) part of that song is just so pervasive.

If I do this, will they like me? They seem to like it when I'm outgoing, so I'll be even more bubbly! See, look! I'm so funny, aren't I? Don't I make you laugh? You like me, don't you?

I.... I'm sorry. I was out of line. I didn't mean to..... I shouldn't have acted on impulse.

I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'mso,sosorry

I bought a book the other day on personalities, by Tim LaHaye.

His name was what caught my eye-- he co-wrote the Left-Behind books, and I was obsessed with the Kids series for a while.

Basically, there's four temperaments-- The Sanguine, the Choleric, the Melancholy, and the Phlegmatic.

Even more basically, Sparky Sanguine's outgoing and loud, Rocky Choleric's opinionated and stubborn, Martin Melancholy's introverted and organized, and Phil Phlegmatic's calm and easygoing.

I was expecting to be a Melancholy-- I'm introverted, Melancholies are smart, usually write, etc.

I wasn't expecting to also be a Sanguine.

I sorta refused to admit it at first, but as I looked at the Sanguine's character flaws, I recognized myself more and more.

Sparky charges forward without thinking, then regrets his actions.

Sparky flies off the handle, then apologizes profusely.

Sparky loves people.

I haven't had a big blow-up in a long time, but I still tend to act before I think.

...which is odd, since I'm an introspective thinker.

And then Martin Melancholy's attributes kick in, and I beat myself up over and over, still telling myself "That was stupid" long after everyone else has probably forgotten about it.

I am maturing. I am getting better. But I'm not over my insecurities yet.

Please forgive me?

I didn't mean it.....

I'm sorry......