z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dragon of Ice

by felistia


Bone chilling cold swirls over my alabaster scales as I soar high over the tundra. Jagged spikes of blue ice jut out of the ground below, their sharp points shimmering like quartz in the moon's pale light. I take a deep breath, the frosty night air streaming into my lungs and rushing out in a thundering roar that calls to all that surround me. A strange joy sparks in my heart and fills it with the urge to climb up into the churning grey clouds above. I beat my sparkling silver wings in large arcs, steadily rising higher as white snowflakes whirl around me like waves from the sea. Finally I reach the clouds, the lead grey vapour twisting away from my freezing scales.

I spy a snow white hare bounding across the ice below, its tail bouncing as it hops over the landscape. Tucking in my wings, I plunge into a steep dive, swooping towards earth. The wind tugs at my tail playfully and the snowflakes batter my snout as I plummet downwards. At the last second I splay my razor sharp talons and thrust out my wings, catching the air. The hare never knew what hit him.

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298 Reviews

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Reviews: 298

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Wed Dec 30, 2015 1:13 pm
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Greetings felistia! Holographic Ladybug back for yet another review! :D


~Nit-Picks~

quartz in the moons pale light.

'Moons' should be possessive (moon's). (Unless you want to get really creative and put moons')

Finely I reach the clouds, the lead grey vapour twisting away from my freezing scales.

I'm pretty sure 'finely' works fine, but I'm wondering if you meant 'finally'.


~Other Bits~
I've got nothing to say here. You're making this really hard for me!


~Great Bits~
Considering that this was mostly fabricated from description, you've done a wonderful job with it. You've made it so that it was not overpowering with the story at all and so that it flowed very nicely with it. Your description made it move forward, actually, which, yet again, is great.

Bone chilling cold swirls over my alabaster scales as I soar high over the tundra.

(Looks up what alabaster means.) Hm! Cool.
Here, like you know, you're introducing the setting and setting us up for what the story might be about. It's a bit like you're warning us or alerting us that that there's going to be tons of description which is nice. In a way, it is an amazing introduction to your piece.

Jagged spikes of blue ice jut out of the ground below, their sharp points shimmering like quartz in the moons pale light.

You're showing us a lot of amazing things here. You're making it so that I can really feel the setting and the surroundings. You wrote it quite beautifully, which makes this more amazing. Mentioning the moon was a nice touch as well.

I beat my sparkling silver wings in large arcs, steadily rising higher as white snowflakes whirl around me like waves from the sea. Finely I reach the clouds, the lead grey vapour twisting away from my freezing scales.

This here is possibly my favorited part in the whole text. It feels so vivid that I just want to jump into the story and see it for myself. I would seriously expect to see this in a movie or something because this is so, so, so, so, so great. There is no way I would ever thing of you improving this one. Perfect!

That's all from me! Never stop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug :)




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Tue Dec 29, 2015 7:15 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hey Felistia,

I'm Elinor, and I'm here to give you a review.

I think this piece has a lot of potential. Right now, It's a nice little short with good description that I enjoyed reading. The idea of telling this from the perspective of the hawk feels fresh to m.

I think you could do a lot with this. Like I said, the description is good, but it could be great. There's a lot dedicated to the wings, to the actual flying, and I want to know more about the world around him, and I would even dedicated more to the hare. I think, with as much description there is about the hawk's actual wings, flying, etc it edges the line into being too wordy. You're very talented, and I think you could even it out a bit more to make sure this story has everything it needs to fully hit home.

Best of luck!

x




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Tue Dec 29, 2015 4:08 pm
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hyperview wrote a review...



Hey there, Felistia. c:

This was a cool short to read, though I wish you would add more to it to make it a full short rather than a two paragraph excerpt. Nonetheless, what you've provided here was well written and beautifully described. I can see here that you've got a knack for painting a picture, and I've got to applaud you for the word choices you used (for example, "sharp points shimmering like quarts in the moon's pale light").
The main criticism I'll make (which is more of a suggestion), is to allow the readers to know what's going on in this dragon's mind. Sure, it's cool seeing what it does, but I think it'd be also wonderful to know what it's thinking about while doing it. Right now, I don't necessarily feel anything for this dragon since I'm only reading what it's doing and how it does it, but I don't know anything about IT, you know? However, since this is an excerpt I'll end that note here (assuming that in the rest of the story you've already done what I've said). In this particular scene, though, you could think about including that.

I also found some mistakes that you've probably missed (petty things, really):

shimmering like quartz in the moons pale light

'moons' should be 'moon's'.

Finely I reach the clouds

I'm assuming you meant 'finally' here.

the churning grey clouds above

Okay, so this may be just me, but it confused me a bit. How do clouds churn? They can move, yes, but churning? I'm not so certain, but maybe it'd be best to use a different word there (please, if I've missed something, don't be afraid to correct me).

Other than that, I enjoyed the piece. I really hope you'll decide to post more of it here since I'm interested in who this dragon is and what kind of world it lives in. Have a wonderful day/night, and see you at review day. c;





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