Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! This is probably very random for you..but uhh, the checklist challenge calls for a review of a work including dragons and with no knew chapters of Quest for Fire out yet....I couldn't do anything but take a look another fic involving dragons from you

First Impression: Soo..this was a really sweet little scene here...looks to just be two dragons having a bit of a fun time. There was a really nice fakeout jump scare there...and well it's a fun little story to read.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A roaring river poured down from the tree covered mountain ahead, twisting and turning like a writhing serpent on its course down through the vibrant, green forest. The thin blades of afternoon sun sparkled like diamonds when they hit the churning sapphire river as it tumbled down a cliff in a cascading wall of water.

A beautiful slender wisp talon sat on a grass bank just above the thundering water fall. Her long tail was curled elegantly around her talons as she gazed over the island's deep green forest below. Bright emerald and silver rippled across her scales and draping wings. Slowly she stood up and had another look around. The thick green trees behind her hid the birds whose songs echoed through cool afternoon air. Leaves crunched under her silver claws as she padded down a path to the stream below the water fall. Her whip like tail swept the shrubberies aside releasing the deep earthy smell.

The spray from the crashing water created an arching rainbow over the stream. The wisp talon walked behind the waterfall into a small cave. The clacking of her claws echoed off into the abyss as she wandered in. Stalactites hung from the rocky ceiling and water dripped off them into a crystal clear pool below. The light lavender wisp talon leaned over to drink from the pool. The icy water rushed down her throat and into her veins, flushing her wings a brilliant rippling ocean blue.

Refreshed, the wisp talon padded out of cave and into the fading afternoon sunlight. The grass was soft under her paws as she walked back up the path way to stare at the gleaming water fall once more.

Suddenly a branch cracked in the forest behind her. The wisp talon whirled around, red and gold pulsing through her scales, but all was silent apart from the thundering of the water fall behind her. She waited as her ears swivelled this way and that, straining to hear any sound coming from the dark forest around her. Nothing broke the still quiet, not the rustle of a leaf nor the thud of a paw hitting the damp earth.

The wisp talon's heart started to slow and she breathed a sigh of relief.

But now the trees around her seemed to be too silent. The birds had stopped singing and the bright songs of insects had faded into the distance. The shadows started to grow longer as the sun slowly dropped down the sky, their black fingers seeming to be grasping for her wings and tail.

She started to feel a sense of panic growing inside her and the cold claws of dread were starting to scrape at her head. The urge to bolt was getting stronger and stronger. Finally it was too big to resist and she leapt into the air, struggling to gain height as she fought to get out of the clearing.

Without warning something grabbed her tail, dragging her out of the air. She landed with a thump on the hard soil. A dark shape loomed over her, its black wings like the smoke billowing from a volcano and its claws as sharp as the silver slicing through its scales.

“Got you Emerald!” the figure yelled, flashing his scales a rose pink.

“Zoolarth!” Emerald roared crossly, whacking his snout, “I have told you a million times not to scare me like that.”

“But you fall for it every time and the look on your face when you see it’s me is hilarious,” Zoolarth laughed, dodging another swipe.

Emerald rolled her eyes as she got to her feet, “Fine you got me, again, but next time you do it I am going to tell mother.”

“Fine.” Zoolarth giggled, wrapping a golden wing around his silver sister as they sat down be the roaring water fall to watch the crimson sun slowly sink below the far off ocean pillars.

Greetings from The Swordsman,

I have to say that there isn't much that I can say is wrong with this story. Your descriptions bring a great deal of imagery to the table and make it clear what you are talking about. They aren't overly descriptive, but they give just enough to give a good picture and then move on. I have to say that I appreciate knowing just the right amount of description to have.

The only critique I have for this story, is the dialogue. This may just be me, as I am not the greatest at dialogue myself, but it seems rather stiff. It doesn't seem like the banter of two siblings that have had a prank going on for a length of time. I don't know. It may just be me. There doesn't seem to be a conclusion to their little spat. Is she irritated that he wraps his wing around her after having scared her? Is she laughing because despite the fact that he scares her, she still loves her brother? Their relationship as siblings seems very flat. I realize that it is difficult to pull together a full relationship in such a short frame, but that is what I see.

Something else makes me wonder. What is it about this waterfall that these siblings love so much? What is the reason for this particular setting? Does it hold some special place in her heart? Is it the only waterfall in miles? A little reason as to why they are at this place would help round out the story.

I hope that what I have said helps with the story. I am not the best with grammar and so I can only comment on things such as plots and possible holes that might need filling. Be you are the author and if you completely disagree with what I said then I understand.

All in all I really liked this piece. It was fun, whimsical, and entertaining. I hope to see more of your work.

Happy Writing!

Hello yet again! I'm back for yet another review! (How many more are there going to be? I don't know!)


~Nit Picks~

The thick green trees behind her hid the birds who’s songs echoed through cool afternoon air.

The wisp talon walked behind the water fall into a small cave.

Refreshed the wisp talon padded out of cave and into the fading afternoon sunlight.

The wisp talons heart started to slow and she breathed a sigh of relief.

birds had stopped singing and the bright songs of insects had faded into the distance.

Hello, I am here to review again on behalf of Team Monkey.

Her long tail was curled elegantly around her talons as she gazed over the islands deep green forest below.
Here's a nitpick, in case you're editing that stuff. Islands needs to become island's.

Your descriptions are so beautiful! Sentences like twisting and turning like a writhing serpent on its course down through the vibrant, green forest and Leaves crunched under her silver claws as she padded down a path to the stream below the water fall make this so magical and such a compelling read.

The ending was really cute, but I think it could be more descriptive. The beginning was so long, description-wise, but I zoomed through the end in no time at all. Perhaps draw it out, expand on the setting and their emotions. Then you're good to go.

Heya, felistia! Happy Review Day and holidays.

I like your descriptions, really. It's so vivid, rich, and almost magical but I feel like it's bordering info dumping. While I appreciate that I truly get to see your world, there are times I feel like skipping some parts because of how long the descriptions are. Perhaps you can cut a bit out and leave the very important parts there? It may be a personal preference, but I just thought I should include that opinion here. It's pretty though!

Another thing bothering me is that it feels more like a scene than an actual short story. I don't clearly see what the beginning, middle, and end is here. I get that we meet Emerald and follow her around as she does things, but it's lacking plot-wise. Why is she doing what she does? Is there something she's thinking about? I admire the details, but I want to get to know her more. I don't feel like there's this connection between us, hence I may not care for her as much. I think you should work on establishing a line for us to relate, though she's a dragon. She seems pretty personified to me!

Well, that's pretty much it. I'm sorry this review is going to be a little rough around the edges. I haven't done this in a long while, but I hope it helps. Have a great day!