The warm summer breeze ruffles my cream white feathers as I soar over the golden stretch beach. Below me the roaring waves crash onto the shore, tossing up a treasure strove of pearl pink and abalone blue shells. Bottle greensea weed is strewn across the beach like the waving hair of a deep sea mermaid.
Spotting a small silver fish darting through the shallows of the azure ocean, I tuck my slender wings and swoop into a dive. I splashed down into the sea, snatching up the small fish in my yellow beak.
Suddenly the air is filled with the sounds of other gulls shrieking and squawking all for a piece of my food. Three sea gulls come streaking down from the clear blue sky, their eyes all trained on the fish in my beak.
I run through the shallows and onto the beach, my webbed feet leaving deep marks in the butter yellow sand. Flapping my wings, I soar into the air, my orange feet sending the sand scattering. Salty air fills my lungs as I dip and dive to avoided the other gulls swooping attacks. One clips me on my left wing sending me tumbling towards earth for a few fleeting seconds, before I gained control and dipped out of the free fall. After a few sharp whacks from my strong wings the other sea gulls reluctantly backed off to let me eat my silver fish.
I land lightly onto the beach, enjoying the sea spray whipping off the waves white peaks. The fish slides down my throat leaving a thin trail of salt on my tongue.
The sun is slowly dipping slowly down the sky, turning the sky a brilliant orange. As it splashes down into the ocean the clouds shine a vivid crimson light like the ambers from a dying fire.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hiya! Happy Review Day! I'm back for another review!
~Nit-Picks~
Sea weed is one word (seaweed).
You're slipping into present tense a little with 'splashing'. It should either be 'splashed' or 'splash'.
'Me' should probably be 'my' unless you're character is a pirate (that would be a nice touch, though).
Also, 'gulls' should be possessive (gulls').
The first time you wrote 'in', you probably mean 'on'.
~Great Bits~
I can't really give you anything to work on non-grammar-wise, do I'll just move on here. This was a really great story snapshotting a moment in a sea bird's life. I've seen people try writing about a moment on an animal or thing's life, but they are rarely vey good or unique. This, on the other hand (or talon or wing, depending
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug
Hello!
First things first, the imagery you used in this is fantastic. Everything you describe i can see it. The story has a beautiful flow to it. It has a very calming and peaceful feel to it. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes either.
The only thing that i didn't feel was write was whenever you said "Bottle green sea weed is strewn across the beach like the waving hair of a deep sea mermaid." I don't really think that fits well. Whenever you think of mermaids hair you don't really think of something like seaweed. This is just a suggestion but maybe you could use sirens instead since they are no to be more menacing than the average mermaid.
Overall I thought this was great short story . I enjoyed reading it and can't wait to read more of your work.
Bye, have a nice day!
Hello there! Happy Review Day!
I kind of like the like the care-free style of this work. It certainly reminds me of one of those ocean waves simulator; very calm. Pretty much anything to do with oceans calm me. Except the thought of how endlessly deep it is. But your work certainly had a calm feel about it, whether you meant to do that or not.
That can be a good thing and a less-good thing. On one hand it's quite pleasant, and on the other... where's the excitement? That's the biggest thing I found your story lacked. What are we supposed to bring out of this story? Most stories, we get something from. Whether it's insight, amusement, or something else, there's generally something that we can take away. This story doesn't seem to have that. Give the bird (I'm pretty sure it was also a gull) a personality, so we'll see more of who it is. Make us root for him! Make us care! Make it a wonderful relief for us when he swallows that fish. And perhaps do something terrible to him, so that we all have a moment to relate to this bird and connect with it. Say, perhaps, the first fish he catches the other birds do manage to pry from his beak. That also creates more of a resentment towards the other birds, so we'll really want our guy to succeed, because we've all been bullied or been taken advantage of at some point.
I didn't find this really did anything for me. When I think of seaweed, I certainly don't think about pretty things, and mermaids have a stereotype of being pretty. It just feels like you're trying to play up something that really isn't that great. Just tell us the truth. Tell us that the seaweed actually smelled like vomit, or that it was so bad some of the other animals gave it a very WIDE birth. I don't know, I just can't see seaweed as a lovely thing. When it's in the water I think it can be quite pretty, and I think your metaphor would have worked great had the seaweed been dancing amongst the fishes. But on land it's rotting, and crusty, and yeah, it smells quite terrible. All I'm saying - and I'm not trying to be mean or rude or anything - is it's not always best to dress things up. Sometimes you just have to tell the blunt, frustrating, and smelly truth.
Other than that I thought this was quite lovely! Keep it up!
-Socks