i.
there will be happiness in the wake of
dissonance, and the rain will ebb dissimilarly
to the rise and fall of the chest of a februrary.
the forest recognizes faces, burning in
a fashion so all the spectators consequentialize
into engulfing, tidal fire. conversely, the paradox
of subjection describes living as a continuous action,
but there is no clear "end" to this "beginning".
ii.
without abundance, destruction has no direct parallel,
so the vivacious clouds abstain from ever touching ground,
raining thunder onto the dry grasses of march.
storms relinquish the ashes to the rivers, washing
past the ruins of the when and the wherefore. storms
do not care for so much as an organism to that of rock.
thunder cannot differentiate living and non-living,
lightning is indifferent to the sillhouette of an eroding
cliff to that of a newborn child.
iii.
offsetting lethargy, therein lies conviction; ambitionless
moonlight casted onto invigorated sunlight, the cross-section
of a wasted april laying dormant in a springbed.
everything cherished that submerges the day into night
will dissapear one day, as is the transience which fades
the stars into constellations, which names haptic galaxies,
which dissasembles something sentimental into a
rusted memory. there will one day, no longer be an orion
or a polaris that maps out a concivable universe.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
from napo 2025 found here
ignore spelling mistakes.
Hello, there! Avi here with a review using the YWS S'more Method
Firstly, ummm, did you trick me into learning something by making pretty poetry?? Because I had forgotten all about the laws of motion and the paradox of subjection (okay, I didn't even know and hadn't even heard of the latter, but still!) until I read this poem. Colleges and high schools might benefit from having these in their science curriculum(s) to connect with literature-loving students and find a way for them to learn and remember a topic or lesson. (I type this up as I sit in my Biology classroom XD)
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This poem brilliantly mixes the poetic and prosaic with the scientific and natural.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
~ “there will be happiness in the wake of
dissonance, and the rain will ebb dissimilarly
to the rise and fall of the chest of a februrary.” Firstly, February is spelled a bit off. Secondly, I didn’t understand the meaning of the last line (but I included the other two lines for context). Is it meant to show that February breathes? That the rain falls out of time with the wind?
~ “thunder cannot differentiate living and non-living,
lightning is indifferent to the sillhouette of an eroding
cliff to that of a newborn child.” I’m only including this here because “silhouette” is spelled wrong (it is put in the passage with an extra “l”).
~ “everything cherished that submerges the day into night
will dissapear one day, as is the transience which fades
the stars into constellations, which names haptic galaxies,
which dissasembles something sentimental into a
rusted memory. there will one day, no longer be an orion
or a polaris that maps out a concivable universe.” The only reason this is here is because of a few spelling errors. “Dissapear” should be “disappear”, “dissasembles” should be “disassembles”, and “concivable” should be “conceivable”.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
~ “without abundance, destruction has no direct parallel…” This line on its own carries a wisdom before its time.
~ “raining thunder onto the dry grasses of march.” aerhshs, this line is just really pretty and is wonderful imagery.
~ “thunder cannot differentiate living and non-living,
lightning is indifferent to the sillhouette of an eroding
cliff to that of a newborn child.” This hit me hard. Lightning strikes wherever its whims take it, always leaving charred, hollowed remains. This stanza/ line of thought could apply as an explanation for a great many things.
~ “offsetting lethargy, therein lies conviction; ambitionless
moonlight casted onto invigorated sunlight, the cross-section
of a wasted april laying dormant in a springbed.” Me for real. Seriously though, not only is the imagery and the way the words flow beautiful, the words make sense and hit me in the heart.
~ “everything cherished that submerges the day into night
will dissapear one day, as is the transience which fades
the stars into constellations, which names haptic galaxies,
which dissasembles something sentimental into a
rusted memory. there will one day, no longer be an orion
or a polaris that maps out a concivable universe.” Once the spelling errors are amended, this section in itself is so beautiful that I would commission one of my friends to make it look pretty on Canva, print it out, and paste it on my bedroom wall. Brilliant, brilliant writing.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
You never fail to blow me away with your writing. This is a brilliant, amazingly well-written poem showcasing the finiteness of everything and how everything in this world fails to be infinite (among many other brilliant things). This poem perfectly combines literature, science, and nature. Wonderful job, herb <333
hi avi!
not quite. it's moreso describing how fleeting rain is compared to the stagnancy of the living february.
also-- i don't know if you saw but i did sticky a comment to ignore spelling errors. :] i am aware that this is littered with them.
thank you for the review! feel free to ask me any more questions :3.
ahhh, that makes sense and fits into what was said perfectly. I don't know how I didn't see that or the sticky (oof, that's an oops on my part). this is a wonderful poem <3
Hi! Ladybug here to review your poem.
Ok! To start with my overall thoughts: I really love the concept of this, it comes from such an interesting place with the title phrase, and the way you go about it is so creative and refreshing. It's genuinely such a beautiful poem, and your word choice is so gorgeous for this style. I love it! You bring the right amount of imagery to prose and distinction within the lines makes for a beautiful and cohesive set-up.
In specifics, I would say loosen up on the metaphors a teeny bit. They are all of the same nature (lol get it a pun) but you could be more exact in how you place them and bringing them back in to cross-reference and contrast your point more, showing how your flow and growth throughout the poem transitions as it progresses. This is more of a personal suggestion though, and I think your poem is also beautiful as it is.
I would also say, for the word choice, you do a great job of balancing it, and it seems like you used the best words to fit your vibe and the best descriptor of what you're portraying, instead of going through a Thesaurus. I love that, sinc it's not always the case with poetry.
Keep writing, this is amazing!
Ladybug
thank you diva
ur poetry is SO good pls never stop writing
science !!