The Thoughts of The Oldest

Hey Lylas! I have to say this is much better than the other piece I reviewed. Nostalgia is one of those things we all feel, yet everyone has their own spin on it. Most of what needs to be said has already been said, so I'll just add one minor critique: I didn't like the last line. It felt like overkill, like it was stating the theme too blatantly. You shouldn't have to do that if the poem is doing its job, which it is here. Otherwise, kudos for exploring new themes and developing your poetic voice. Keep writing!

Although I cannot give you the standard poetic review, I can give you my general impressions of this piece.

People always think that poetry has to be dark and mysterious. However, I believe that the most beautiful poetry resides within the hearts of those who have the courage to write it down. You have that courage because I think this is simply a wonderful poem. Everyone remembers being a kid, so the message of this poem is universal and I appreciate that. I like how this poem is simple and plainly spoken. I enjoyed it immensely. Please, keep me posted on your poetry. Happy Writing!

Hey there, Lylas! Isha here to review.

First of all, this is a nice idea. People miss being a kid, and it can be a poem that's absolutely full of sentimental value, and things that people can relate to with ease. There can be a lot of emotion packed into it. And it was good. Not excellent, but not totally awful, either.

It was a very 'it would be nice to x. and x. and x.,' and that was something that I didn't particularly enjoy. It's not all that creative to do something like that, and although the idea is good in and of itself, its execution could use a little work. Why would you love to scream and shout? Is there a better way to put that, maybe? A way that uses describing emotions to elaborate, a little bit?

Why do you want to be a kid again? Why would you want to be able to play with these things, and get away with petty nonsenses? What emotion does this evoke, and what is a good way to describe said emotion without bluntly stating that that's what you feel about it? Are there creative words, maybe a little metaphor/simile, that you could throw around? (not heavily, I don't think. This isn't quite the type of poem for heavy metaphor, and it would be nice to retain some of its simplicity)

All in all:

Can you expand, and is there a way that you can do so creatively, by describing to us what something's like, without actually stating what that something is?

It flowed well, to me, and I liked that each stanza had a bit of a flare that was all its own. It was inconsistently consistent.

And that is all I can really think about to say, unfortunately.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Good work and keep writing,
-Isha.

we all miss to be kids and young again because when you were kid you didn't have problems to think of or care about what others will say about you ,everything you want to do you just do it,we play we run and scream out loud , there is nothing better than being a kid because nothing tight you,you be free and every human wants to be free so for that we miss our childhood......really nice what have you write

Hey, Lylas. Not sure if you've read my review on the other poem you asked me to review, but I have many of the same things to say here. You're very explanatory. You just say what you're thinking, and that's not really serving to get other people into the feeling with you. When you write poetry, you CAN make other people want to be a kid again WITH you, not just tell them how you miss being a kid and expect them to listen. I think that's one of the reasons I write poetry: so I can make people feel with me, when so often in life they just listen to my problems or thoughts and don't really understand. Poems can get deeper -- they use signals to the sub-conscious to basically do some nostalgic mind-control and get your readers in the same mood that you're in.

On that note, bring out not the "I want this", but the "kids do this" in the poem. That way it's not a poem about YOU wanting to be a kid, but about what it's like to miss childhood.

Tell me what we used to do:

run around my yard beating on my chest yelling.
swinging on the swing and being so scared to jump off but you do anyway.

Hey there Lylas!

I like the simplicity of this poem. It doesn't use much flowery words, but the simple words and the way their strung are nice.

I like the long and short stanzas you have. The first and third stanzas are relatively short while you make the second and fourth stanzas longer. I do realise you answered the questions from the first stanza in the second third and fourth one. Interesting way of doing it.

Now the pattern is a little inconsistent. In the first stanza you ask all the Wouldn't it be fun to questions. And then the next stanza it's totally different style of narrating. The third and fourth stanzas each have their own unique flow too. Now it's not exactly bad but it does confuse me slightly. The flow and tone changes too in my mind as I read it.

The three words being a kid are common to the last three stanzas, which I do find to be some sort of common ground between them. It's as if you meant each stanza to send across the same message. However in certain stanzas you combine them with other words to form a sentence while you leave it as it is in others. My advice is, have it as a sentence of it's own.

The dialogue part at the fourth stanza is unique, but try not to use the draggy "o"s and caps. It makes the stanza stand out from the rest. And you want the audience to focus on the poem as a whole rather than just one stanza.

Finally I feel that the last phrase in brackets, should be changed to "Being a kid" too. It's a reinforcement of that point. It also sums up all of it. I find the title of this poem would be better suited as something related to a kid. The Thoughts doesn't exactly seem to fit in with the context of this poem.

Hope my review was helpful!