Young Writers Society

This reminded me so much of my ex boyfriend wow. (He cheated on me and was very controlling now that I think about it. ) Anyway.

I really felt this poem. I felt this pain before. I know this feeling very well.
I love how you said stuff then asked questions. I loved this. Oh my gosh.
My favorite line is "Why didn't you take a chance?"
That line hit me and I loved it. Cause like it made me think. Why didn't my ex take a chance? Why didn't he ever hold my hand. I read this from my point of view. Although I know it was yours and you went through this. (I went through the same like I said). But seriously good job I really liked this.



Overall great job and thank you for being so real in this. Nice.

Hi Lylas, here as requested :3

fight for me, fight for you, fight for us.

because She told you not to.

why haven't you kissed me in the rain>>add a comma<< or hugged me>>another comma<< or held my hand?

just because you wanted to express your love.

The three words that would have made me feel loved.

Hey there, Lylas! Back from work at last.

The first thing I want to say, is you can definitely get a lot of material from ex-boyfriends or current boyfriends. Definitely! BUT, the problem is that everyone can get mad at or disappointed in or happy with exes and boyfriends, and because of that, a lot of straightforward material on the subject comes off as seen-before and cliched. Especially those romantic gestures that are so commonly desired -- so popular that big movies have picked up on them and use them all the time (kissing in the rain, serenading). Which means that in order to write a poem that people don't dismiss right away, we have to bring them something new. We have to go further than just explaining how less-than-what-we-wanted our ex was and listing all the things he didn't do; we have to evoke the raw emotions that came during that time, or philosophize on some odd connection no one else in the world's put into poetry until us. It's way harder to do than just ranting our feelings out in a poem, but much more rewarding, I think, in the end, 'cause other people can read your poem and be like, "Wow, she taught me something about myself I didn't know before". Know what I mean?

That said, I think there's a wealth yet in the idea of fighting for someone when a supposed break has happened. I think it's got a wealth of possibilities, 'cause it's so hard to pinpoint exactly WHY that other person SHOULD fight for you, when we're second guessing whether they should based on our self-worth, when other people might say you should just let it go 'cause there are other people in the sea, when maybe that guy is sitting there thinking at any other time he'd fight, but he doesn't have the strength THIS time, and he wish you knew that and would fight yourself out. Getting right to the root of why you feel abandoned will make for much more interesting material.

And you have to build a better diction. I think, if I had to put a reason to it, the reason people tell you to read OTHER poems is so you can see how they use words. You learn new words to add to your vocabulary. You see how they combine words, so you can learn their effect on you. Which means that, for the first time in my entire life, I am recommending that you definitely go out and read some publish (MODERN!) poets. I can't name names, 'cause I am poorly studied in that area as of now, but I will definitely join you on that journey. Finally, through a review for you, my friend, I see the light, too, and we can go there together.

PM me if you wanna be poem-reading partners or if you have any questions about the review I've left, okay?

Good luck, Lylas!

I loved this, its great but i felt myself skimming through this slightly...
I have never felt like this when i read this! i felt your disappointment, about your ex and its great, but shorten up the lines slightly and try to not repeat the words so much...

Hi i really liked the poem, i have written pieces like this (concept wise) and with me i've realized that what carry's you on to finish the piece is the release of my emotions in words.

So in that sense this poem is very deep and meaningful.

"why didn't you take a chance?
why haven't you kissed me in the rain or hugged me or held my hand?
Why haven't you sang a horrible love song outside my window,
just because you wanted to express your love.
If your heart was beating out of your chest,
why didn't you say it?
Why didn't you say the three words that are the most important?
the three words that would have made me feel loved.
Why, if you truly loved me,
have you not done these things?"

I think the ending is the strongest part of your piece because i felt the emotion you put behind those words.

In linguistic terms your writing could be much better if you added more rhyme and structure.

If you want click on my profile, I've got a couple of pieces about love and i would like to know what you think of them.

Anyway to conclude the poem is deep and meaningful which can be better with some features.

Keep writing

Abid.

Hi i really liked the poem, i have written pieces like this (concept wise) and with me i've realized that what carry's you on to finish the piece is the release of my emotions in words.

So in that sense this poem is very deep and meaningful.

"why didn't you take a chance?
why haven't you kissed me in the rain or hugged me or held my hand?
Why haven't you sang a horrible love song outside my window,
just because you wanted to express your love.
If your heart was beating out of your chest,
why didn't you say it?
Why didn't you say the three words that are the most important?
the three words that would have made me feel loved.
Why, if you truly loved me,
have you not done these things?"

I think the ending is the strongest part of your piece because i felt the emotion you put behind those words.

In linguistic terms your writing could be much better if you added more rhyme and structure.

If you want click on my profile, I've got a couple of pieces about love and i would like to know what you think of them.

Anyway to conclude the poem is deep and meaningful which can be better with some features.

Keep writing

Abid.

Well, if you're going to be working on this until it's perfect, you'll be working on this when you're 80.

But seriously, I feel like this could be much more than it is currently. Right now, I'm just reading a bunch of rhetorical questions. Now, I was told long ago that these don't work in a poem very well, because they don't do much for the reader. After reading this, I know little about you, him, or this relationship (aside from the obvious, that it ended). Rosey gave a lot of good advicel, so to avoid repeating what she said, I'll try to focus on the most promising line of this piece:

why haven't you kissed me in the rain or hugged me or held my hand?

I have tried to do as you have asked and if you see any more I can do to perfect this poem please tell me!!! thanks for all that you have already said and I will keep working on this until you guys tell me I have got it perfect.

Hey Lylas.

I can understand wanting to write a poem about your ex boyfriend. Poetry is often used as a form of emotional release, and I use it that way myself.

However, YWS is about improving your writing, so if you just wanted to vent a bit and aren't looking to improve this poem, then I'd suggest you stop reading the review now.

The review:

My first impressions were this poem is repetitive and not grounded in any one particular thing. I could tell it was written in a fit of emotion, where you wanted to get words out and didn't want to put them into something overly pretty.

Repetition can work in poetry when it's used for a very exact reason, and delivers a stronger impact because of it. However, in this case, I found the repetition rather tiring. I skipped over the lines once I noticed the pattern because there wasn't much point in the constant repetition. Instead, I'd remove the repetition and make each idea able to stand on its own, or connected with the previous idea so each one builds upon the other (with a bit more substance to each line)

As for this not being grounded, you know all the reasons behind the poem, but we don't. Therefore, it ends up as pretty flat. There's nothing for us, the reader, to connect to. It's purely emotion, and the number of events that could relate to a poem like this is huge. This, again, makes it difficult to connect with readers.

Strong poetry tends to relate emotions to an event, or wrap itself up in imagery of some sort. Here are some poetic devices that you can use to improve the poem. Some are easier to implement than others, but they are worthwhile to implement.

My own philosophy on poetry is it should be beautiful to look at and read (either from the language used or simply the way it is on a page) while still containing some sort of emotion or meaning. By adding visual beauty to the poem, you add more depth. Having an event play out, richer language, a sense of purpose for every word (not a single one is not carrying its own weight)— all of those things are what make poetry beautiful.

That defines catharsis poetry (written just to get emotions out) from artful poetry, in my eyes. Catharsis is important to have, but it needs more strength to be considered art. The most powerful poems, I find, mix the two. They are a catharsis but it is guided by a wordsmith's hand so it is both emotional and beautiful.

Overall, I'd rework this and give readers something to grab on to. How you do that is up to you, because there are as many styles of poetry as there are poets. Try reading some poetry, seeing what you like and don't, and seeing what you want to use.

Hope this helps. Drop me a line if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

Hey there, Lylas! =)

How are you doing on this lovely day? ^^ I will try my best to give you a good and helpful review for this piece!

Alright, let us get to it!

This piece is not bad but it is not outstanding either (which is what we're always aiming for, right? ^^). I can understand that you just jutted down whatever came to mind, mad or dissapointed in your ex boyfriend but this piece needs some spicing up.

You haven't used any description in this, which makes it very hard for me to create an image in my mind. Right now you're just asking him a bunch of questions (good ones, by the way. I'm pretty sure these are the type of questions some people are stuck with).

I do like the repitition in this piece and how you ended it, but the question parts are too dry and it won't make me remember this piece after I leave the computer for the day. I need you to add some mystery and some imagery to this. You have so much possibilities for this piece, you just need to start playing around with words.

Tell us more about how he made you feel and what you had expected from him exactly. For example: You asked him why he didn't change, but what was he like before then and how did you want him to change? I'd love to see you expand on it all and create an entire image for us so we can really feel the pain you were feeling.

This is a good start, it just needs some work! ^^

If you have any questions or need me to explain myself further, please contact me!

qaralynn

love can be complecated sometimes and when we are in a relationship with someone we always want him to express his feelings and show us his love but when he don't we feel sad and he is playing with us like toys and he don't take us seriously......i support what you write and what you said and by the way your writing was beautiful

One thing i enjoy about this poem is the way it is set up. I think that you should have tried this set up with a more original topic, one that hasn't been done over and over and over. Break ups, or love, or both, is/are very hard to make original. It just seems to all have been said before. I also think that you should give my detail; WHY did he have to change? Things like that.
~Maddy

Hey Lylas!

Here with your review, as requested.

I am...less than talented with poetry, I warn you now, but I will attempt this anyway.

In your first five lines, you kept it at 4 beats per line, then you go into:

why didn't you take a chance?

have you not done these things?

why didn't you say it?