My Life,
rain drops.
Every single thought is like a useless rain drop.
But, as I think more deeply,
is a rain drop truly useless?
Picture a seed, planted on a clear sky day.
It just sits there,
awiating its time to be nourished.
Rolling Thunder travels across the sky,
just a day later.
And those fierce rain drops plummet to the ground.
They make something as small thought
bloom into something beautiful.
Just like my thoughts.
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141,319 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
Hey there!
To begin, I do like how you set up the analogy/example/comparison that thoughts provide nourishment. That being said, I think there is a lot of room for improvement. Try to spruce up the details, and use more eloquent words.
Honestly, I would just nix the entire first stanza, or just leave the last line of it. There is a distinct disconnect between "my life" and "rain drops". Also, it does not do much to add to the overall poem. Starting with "every single thought is like a useless rain drop" would introduce the topic and make the poem flow a bit better.
The second stanza is just kind of there.
The third stanza is where you really begin to set up a scene, which I appreciate as a reader, but your style there doesn't really mesh with the forth stanza. The third is much more direct, while the fourth is more open to interpretation. I like how you used "fierce" in this, it makes me think they are warriors determined to help something. As for "They make something as small thought bloom into something beautiful", I believe you are missing some words here. Also, I would like to see you continue with the plant/rain scenario, instead of jumping back to thoughts.
Overall, I'd love to see this rewritten a bit more openly, not as direct, because you definitely have the start of something great.
~Epic
Hello there Lylas! Tucker here with your review. Okey dokey, wonderful wonderful piece of writing. I love the metaphor you have rocking here. Great idea to write a poem about, your imagery doesn't fail to impress and your writing is incredibly smooth. Lovely to read all around. My notes a tiny little nit picks about formatting really, because that is where you fall off the wagon.
" Every single thought is like a useless rain drop."
Nice line, but is a little too long in comparison to the rest of your piece, break it in half and you'll be good. So try saying:
"Every single thought is
like a useless raindrop."
Just looks smoother that way and comes off better when read. Ok so that third stanza is great, an excellent point. Except you have already compared your thoughts to raindrops, and now, metaphorically, for this piece to work your thoughts are like seeds, and raindrops is what makes the thoughts bloom and beautiful. So a little technical confusion there.
"Picture a seed, planted on a clear sky day"
Make a new line after "seed," try to make your poem have near the same length of line each time.
"And those fierce rain drops plummet to the ground"
Excellent vocab and superb imagery. Love the writing there, although break it in half because this line is a little bit long. Try saying: "And those fierce rain drops/ plummet to the ground."
Great ending, leaving us with a statement that makes us think, huh.... that was an awesome way to connect back to the beginning. Loved reading this lovely piece, definitely try to fix up the metaphor confusion that you have and than you'll be raring to go. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh