October Cries
Inharmonious screeches
Echo down the hall;
The ears of students and teachers alike
Fitfully start to bawl.
A couple of aspiring show-offs
Surface above the noise
As an ocean of uniformed members
March on with so-called poise.
The rest of us who have not the talent
To be in such a group,
Try to grin as they herd by
In an unorganized troop.
Though we wish to clutch our faces,
And such a show is valid enough a reason,
It is best not to offend the marching band.
After all, it’s football season.
[i]I have to admit this was a funny idea, but poorly executed on my part. What can I do to make this better?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
This is my friend's critique (she's a band geek
)
technically i resent the remarks made but i see where you're coming from. wind band is a little more refined.
anyway
this makes sense if you read it once fast through but when you think about what it actually says: how do ears 'bawl'? this is not something you usually hear mabe more like scream?
some one said earlier that this was a bit 'awkward' it is. but instead of changing it completely try taking out 'enough a'
but i do like this poem, you did a very good job.
Hahaha! I really liked this! Being read out of season for me, it really does remind me of marching season. I thini it was reasonably well executed! Keep writing!
~Yoyo
Awww... this is cute! We love obnoxious marching bands!
Anyway, you're right. Something isn't quite right. First of all, try breaking it up! That way, it's easier to read and certain lines (your punch lines) get to be more accentuated.
Observe:
Inharmonious screeches
Echo down the hall;
The ears of students and teachers alike
Fitfully start to bawl.
A couple of aspiring show-offs
Surface above the noise
As an ocean of uniformed members
March on with so-called poise.
The rest of us who have not the talent
To be in such a group,
Try to grin as they herd by
In an unorganized troop.
Though we wish to clutch our faces,
Mortification the main reason,
It is best not to offend the marching band.
After all, it’s football season.
...I changed one of the lines. Instead of "And such a show is valid enough a reason," I made it, "Mortification the main reason." This is what I got from your poem... maybe you can find a more apt word for it. But the line is less wordy, so it seems more bouncy and light-hearted, which is what you want.
Hope that helped!
You pulled that off very nicely. It was such a funny idea!
I really did not understand what was going on until the very end, though. Perhaps you could weave in another detail about the marching band that would help the reader identify the subject sooner in the poem?
I have officially decided that i will not do long critiques of poetry, since part of poetry mean a lot of rules don't apply. I really really liked it. It's so true.
i don't think these three lines...
And such a show is valid enough a reason,
It is best not to offend the marching band.
After all, it’s football season.
...flow very well. i think you're trying too hard to rhyme. don't worry about it too much. just let the words come out. if they rhyme, awesome. if they don't, still awesome.
Yay, music poetry!
It is a good idea, and I actually thought you pulled it off very nicely- it's lighthearted and cute, and the rhyming is well-done. ^_^ Here's a few nitpicks:
[quote]The ears of students and teachers alike
Fitfully start to bawl. [/quote]
Wait... what? Their ears are bawling? I assume you meant that the students and teachers were bawling, but bawling ears is a rather odd image.
[quote]The rest of us who have not the talent [/quote]
I think you need a comma after "us"?
[quote]Try to grin as they herd by [/quote]
I've never hear "herd" used as a verb, but I suppose that's poetic license.
[quote]And such a show is valid enough a reason,[/quote]
This line seemed awkward... I think it's just too wordy. Maybe try "And the noise is a valid reason."
I know this critique seemed picky, but that's just because I really liked this and could only find little stuff. I'm a fellow band geek. I've never been in a marching band but this makes it sound fun!