The Sundress

I'm not sure of what to think of this poem. Some parts were confusing, and how you called the boy

who whistled 'stupid'. Some of the wording should be changed throughout the poem. It's also a little

tough to unravel what the girl is thinking throughout.

Other than that, it's fine.

I thought it was really cute, I liked the theme of it, funny. But...but the rhyme scheme was going all over the place sometimes! First it rhymed, then it didn't, then went back to rhyming again, kind of confused me. You need to work on the overall structure, and yes, fix those rhyming parts! Work on the mechanics of it all, but I liked the style personally, I thought it was good overall. well, good luck!

Jenni

That poem was very interesting. I could really see someone doing that. I loved it and I think you should write more poems like it. You are a brilliant writer and should continue to write.

She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;

His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,

Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,

Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress.

Okay let's do this.

The first two stanzas of the poem were very good in my opinion. They were fun, you had some nice adjectives and adverbs thrown in there for just enough interest to hold your reader's attention, and semi-rhymes (as I call them) were well put together.

I had problems from there on. The third stanza in particular.

It was like she’d been hit with a Sci-Fi stun ray
From the shows her brothers watched for hours every day
And in a violent manner, she made that boy pay
By slapping the sorry, sorry boy’s face.

She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;
His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,
Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,
Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress.

Hi!

The rhyming, or non-rhyming, really disturbed me as well, but then I came to think that it just made more humorous, because the words don't just rhyme the slightest bit. I know that a poem doesn't have to rhyme, but it would fit in this kind of poems. But it would have been nice if there were some witty rhymes that go together like... well, I don't know, but still.

However, this was a refreshing, summer-y poem and I liked it. Thank you!


See you around,
Demeter xx

Very nice poem! It made me laugh! The ending is the best! "Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress" This entire poem is totally describing me when I wear a dress out in public. Though I haven't hit many boys There isn't much I can say that the other commenters haven't already. All in all, a good poem. It's nice to see a funny one now and again. Kinda brightens your day. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more from you!


Toodles!


Aj~

Alrighty, so, I thought this was really a great poem, but I have one problem. It seems like your going with a certian rhyme and rythm (did I spell that right..it looks wrong), but then things get switched up..it kind of disrupts everything.

elephantwalrus wrote:The Sundress

She departed from the building with her head held high,
Grinning sheepishly to try to mask her pride
In a white and strappy sundress she had worn not once
With a purple cotton sash tied ‘round her waist.

For a moment, she looked as dignified as a cat,
And the neighbors gaped when she threw her shoulders back
As she strutted like a turkey down Pear Tree Lane,
But she froze when she heard one stupid boy whistle. Something about those last two lines, or, really the last line, doesn't exactly flow with the rest of it, I think you need to change things up a bit here.

It was like she’d been hit with a Sci-Fi stun ray
From the shows her brothers watched for hours every day
And in a violent manner, she made that boy pay
By slapping the sorry, sorry boy’s face. Again, this last line seems out of place. I'm not really loving the repetition of the word sorry here. Perhaps go for some alliteration and say silly, sorry boy, or something along those lines? Only suggestions..)

She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;
His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,
Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,
Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress.

This is very cute, and I can entirely understand the character. She is proud to wear her dress, but doesn't want to be mocked. She is also self-conscious, and I think you did a good job of exhibiting this.

With a purple cotton sash tied ‘round her waist.

As she strutted like a turkey down Pear Tree Lane

just to sock him one more time

Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress.

I won't engage in any kind of detailed discussion about style, because I'd just be fooling myself if I thought I understood poetic form, but I will say that I'm not sure if this works. It rhymes and then it doesn't. I don't mind the neat stanzas, because I think its funny that it's so structured, while the heroine so isn't, but again, not really sure about this format.

Some of your phrasing doesn't quite do it for me, but I wanted to stop and leave some comments because I love the story you have here. Very cute.

Hokay, here we have it:

She departed from the building with her head held high,

Grinning sheepishly to try to mask her pride

In a white and strappy sundress she had worn not once

With a purple cotton sash tied ‘round her waist.

For a moment, she looked as dignified as a cat,

And the neighbors gaped when she threw her shoulders back

As she strutted like a turkey down Pear Tree Lane,

But she froze when she heard one stupid boy whistle.

It was like she’d been hit with a Sci-Fi stun ray

From the shows her brothers watched for hours every day

She knocked him to the pavement where he sat in shock;

His other friends snorted when they laughed and mocked,

Because she helped the guy up, just to sock him one more time,

Then went home to change into something besides a strappy sundress.