Young Writers Society

Hi eilisBK,

Mailice here with a short review!

I don't know what I was getting into when I started reading your story. I was very surprised by the subject matter and meaning and must say that I liked how you told an exciting and calm story through an interesting writing style.

I especially liked how you created something very vivid through your descriptions, which became very readable through your sentence structure, which you wrote in a wave form (sometimes short, sometimes long). It didn't feel like a build-up of tension, but more like an attempt to give more depth to the characters in this short story.

You created the necessary atmosphere right away with your opening paragraph to make the characters more alive. I liked how it also transitioned into the dialogue. I liked that you could tell they had different ways of speaking, which made the scene feel a bit like a play. I liked that kind of feeling you created and how it all came together. It's like a jigsaw puzzle, I felt, where you had a lot of different pieces that you put together to make a whole. You have the guiding star, the characters, etc... and it all makes sense together.

Your writing style was calm and relaxed, and I was very excited to see how much effort you put into giving the characters so much character for this short story.

Two points that stood out to me:

The house was quiet, not silent, but quiet.

The whole house was asleep, every room dark except for the living room.

Oooh~ this gives us a lot of insight on Fallion's character! I'm also very interested in who this Eden guy is!

Overall this was another great piece of work you have here with great dialogue as usual! Although I had kind of the same problem with it as the last work in this universe: too long paragraphs. Luckily though it's not as bad, I noticed.

When I try to drag my readers in with the first paragraph, I like to use just one sentence. It usually leaves the readers wanting more. This is just my personal technique though, it's nothing you have to try out, just some room for thought.

Keep up the good work!

Hello, RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really good story. But I am interested, I read another story by you, The King That Could Not Rise From The Floor. And there the main character's name was Fallion as well. Is this supposed to be a continuation of the story? Or maybe the continuation of something bigger that you have in mind? Or if not, then this was a lovely story anyways.

So on to it!

" The house was quiet, not silent, but quiet. Alastair could be heard snoring from his room down the fall, and Kaldurah was mumbling something drowsily. The whole house was asleep, every room dark except for the living room. On the floor, back resting against the sofa, sat the queen-without-a-kingdom. "

This was a nice beginning. You mentioned the characters Alastair and Kaldurah in the very second line and yet they did not appear throughout the rest of the story. I felt that was a little odd, but of course this is a short story, so... And you did dive into the queen's character after that and brought out so much depth and detail to her personality that it was impossible not to get hooked by her.

' "Make a wish." Fallion jumped. She'd never heard him creep up on her. '

I loved the way you described the outside world. It seemed to reflect the queen's state of mind and I liked how I could compare the darkness of the night to the emptiness she was feeling. I could feel her exhaustion and her temptation to escape as she stepped outside into the night. I was a bit surprised at the sudden intrusion of the silence by a totally new character who had appeared out of nowhere. But he kind of symbolized the points of stars hiding in the otherwise inky darkness of the sky and he brought a fresh relief to the story as well as the character of the queen.

"Something stirred in Fallion and she wasn't sure whether or not she liked it. Part of her wanted to get up and leave and rip apart the butterflies that were flitting about in her belly. The other part of her wanted to stay with him, talk to him. Just enjoy his presence. She rose abruptly."

I like how much these few lines reveal about the character and puts her in a whole new light. Until now, she had been fighting against the empty loneliness and exhaustion, but the moment she is presented with a chance of happiness and hope, she grows awry of it and starts fighting it as well.

The last paragraph especially portrays how contradictory her character is. She sabotages the little happiness she had gained from his company and removes herself from the situation completely, all the while wishing for him to stop her, to call her back. What makes her this way? I feel like there is so much exploration that can be done with this character, if in case you wanted to expand this.

This was a really good story in it's own and I could very well imagine it as a part of something bigger. Thanks for sharing the story and keep writing!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...well, this was quite a nice read here...and at first glance...it seems like a pretty good story here. Our main character here has a surprising amount of depth for a character in a short story, and the hints of backstory all around were an awesome touch here...I almost feel like this is part of something bigger.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The house was quiet, not silent, but quiet. Alastair could be heard snoring from his room down the fall, and Kaldurah was mumbling something drowsily. The whole house was asleep, every room dark except for the living room. On the floor, back resting against the sofa, sat the queen-without-a-kingdom. She didn't look much like a queen. Her cheeks were sunken in, her eyes dull and hollow. What had once been a flowing mane of silvery hair was now a tangled mess tied in a knot atop her head. Fallion was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of running, tired of sleeping. The emptiness gnawed at her. It had been gnawing at her since she fled home.

Her feet scuffed the rug as she rose and crossed the room to the garden doors. They were made entirely of glass, yet she could see nothing of the manicured garden outside. The world was black as pitch. The night called to her, seduced her, tempting her to slip outside and clothe herself in the inky balm. Desire gave in and a soft gasp escaped her lips as a the cold air washed over her. Outside the world was silent. Although the wind was blowing, no leaves stirred, no animals spoke. She was alone in the night.

Grass tickled her toes, tickled her neck, her ears. She lay on the lawn and stared up at the sky. While the world was dark, the sky had never been brighter. Stars covered the sky like the freckles on the baker's wife. At first glance the sky looked almost black, but as her eyes adjusted to the gloom Fallion saw the hints of colours as the galaxy unfolded before her. A flash of white crossed the sky, there and gone in the span of a heart beat.

"Make a wish." Fallion jumped. She'd never heard him creep up on her.

"What was it?" She asked.

"The Guiding Star." Eden replied. He sat down beside her on the grass and Fallion felt his warmth wash over her.

"What's the Guiding Star?"

"The star that shows it's family the way during their migration across the sky." He said it like it was obvious.

"What-" She was cut off as suddenly the whole world was alight. Hundreds of thousands of stars began streaming across the sky. What had once been a world of pitch and ink was now bathed in the purest of light. For a moment the emptiness stopped eating away at her. For a moment she felt almost content. "It's beautiful..." She gasped.

"This migration happens every year, but I couldn't miss the chance to see it again." Eden murmured. "You being out here to witness it with me was an added bonus." Fallion glanced at him. The stars speeding across the sky lit up his skyward face. There was a beauty in him she had not noticed before. He was objectively handsome with his tan skin, full lips and glossy hair, but the way the stars highlighted his jaw, turned his black hair to a midnight blue... Something stirred in Fallion and she wasn't sure whether or not she liked it. Part of her wanted to get up and leave and rip apart the butterflies that were flitting about in her belly. The other part of her wanted to stay with him, talk to him. Just enjoy his presence. She rose abruptly.

"Goodnight." Her words were curt, cold and dismissive. She began to stride back towards the house. Eden didn't say anything but her heart wished he did. As soon as the garden door clicked behind her Fallion cursed herself. Cursed herself for giving into her fear, giving into her nature and fleeing from such a perfect moment.