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12+ Violence

The King That Could Not Rise From the Floor

by eilisBK


A storm lashed against the tiny cell window, rain running rivulets down the bars are pooling on the stone floor. Wind rattled the chains that filled the room, the rattling echoing throughout. It was these chains that a figure hung, suspended. Black iron wrapped around her wrists, under her breasts, around her neck, hanging her from the ceiling. Enough chains had been wrapped around the starved body to keep her suspended without her choking. Lightning flashed outside and the cell was illuminated in a cold, grey glow. The figure cringed, manacles clinking. She lacked the energy to even squeeze her eyes shut, although exhaustion had rendered them shut weeks ago. Icy white hair hung limp and grey, tangling in the chains. Scars, old and new, crisscrossed her body. Bruises coloured her abdomen and blood dripped from her fingertips.

Footsteps echoed from outside the cell, they grew louder, multiplied. The door swung open silently and a group of six stepped inside. One was a large, bald man with tree stumps for hands. A ruin of a scar blinded his left eye. He carried heavy wooden club. The next four to enter, entered in a diamond formation. They stood tall, resolute and emotionless. Armour glinted in the dim light. Guards. At the centre of the formation stood a slightly shorter figure. He was stout with a salt and pepper pepper beard and glossy black hair. He was by no means a handsome man, his head a little too wide, his nose a little too small, but his eyes... His eyes shone like sapphires flecked in gold. He was garbed in a red velvet doublet and ermine cloak. Never had a man looked more out of place than the dingy cell. Atop his head, nestled among the black ringlets, was a circlet of bronze and onyx, a circlet fit for a King.

"Are you ready to confess?" The King asked, sneering at the prone form above him. The girls eyes twitched before opening slightly. White sapphires flecked in gold stared back at the King from a hollow face.

"Are you ready to bend the knee to your rightful Queen?" She asked. Her voice was hoarse and raspy with disuse. She tried to spit at the King's feet but her mouth was too dry and she only succeeded in opening an old wound on her lip. A new would split just under her right eye accompanied by hot, white pain as the bald man crashed his club into her skull. Stars clouded her vision and for a moment the men standing before her became shapeless blobs.

"Fallion, my dear, let us not play this little game again today," The King smiled. "Surely you grow weary of this little back and forth, and I'm not sure how many more teeth you have to loose trying to win this battle."

"Don't say my name." The girl, Fallion, seethed.

"Now," The King frowned a little, anger creeping into his voice. "Is that anyway to talk to your King and you father?" Fallion scoffed.

"You may be my sire, but you are no father of mine." Another bout of pain overtook her as the club slammed into her gut.

"I'd watch your mouth, girl, if you intend to keep it." Fallion smiled, a savage, broken smile. Her tongue darted out between her missing front teeth. 

"Bend your knee, Father."

"Watch your tongue."

"Bend. Your. Knee."

"Watch your tongue!" The King stepped towards the girl, stepped right up until he was a hairs breadth away from her. "You do not want to underestimate the power of a ruler."

"You're right. You aught not underestimate my power." A screech of pain escaped Fallion's lips as she twisted in the air, using the last of her strength to kick her leg upwards. Her foot caught the King between the legs, knocking him down to the floor and gasping for breath. At once the guards rushed forward to help their King to his feet. "That's right. Help him up. He is so weak he cannot stand himself." A grating laugh racked her body. She turned her attention to the guards. "How does it feel protecting someone so weak? How does it feel protected him? The King the could not rise from the floor?"


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Mon Jul 26, 2021 11:59 pm
WrenZorya wrote a review...



Hi there and good morning/afternoon/evening/night or whatever it is in your corner of the galaxy! Wren dropping in for a little review on this compelling story!

First off, WHERE IS THE REST OF THIS BOOK?! Because I need to read it! I love the writing style, I love the name Fallion, and I love just the overall storyline! If this gets published PM me please!

Also, I'm just going to mention, there are a few spelling or word errors. I like to use the free version of Grammarly when I am writing something, it doesn't catch everything but it might help!😃

A storm lashed against the tiny cell window, rain running rivulets down the bars are pooling on the stone floor. Wind rattled the chains that filled the room, the rattling echoing throughout.
This is an amazing piece of imagery, I can not only picture the scene in my mind but I can hear it as well.

You do a very good job of conveying that Fallion has been in that cell for a long time and that she is extremely injured.

One was a large, bald man with tree stumps for hands. A ruin of a scar blinded his left eye. He carried heavy wooden club.
This is why you don't run off with the dryads people! If he's part tree, isn't carrying a wooden club like hitting people with ripped-off arms?

He was garbed in a red velvet doublet and ermine cloak. Never had a man looked more out of place than the dingy cell. Atop his head, nestled among the black ringlets, was a circlet of bronze and onyx, a circlet fit for a King.
He certainly sounds like he has grown accustomed to his role as King and will not give up easily. That crown sounds awesome!

Another thing to mention is that your dialogue tags do not match up sometimes, for instance:
"Is that anyway to talk to your King and you father?" Fallion scoffed.
The scoffing part would go on the next line, only because it seems like Fallion is the one speaking now.

Her foot caught the King between the legs, knocking him down to the floor and gasping for breath.
Yes! You go girl!

Overall a really fantastic story!! Thank you, I am excited to read more!! Have a great day!




eilisBK says...


Wren! Thank you so much for the review! I am notorious for poor spelling and grammar and writing this at 3am probably didn't help that. This is certainly part of a longer work and I will hopefully be plotting it out very soon...



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Sun Jul 25, 2021 5:30 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi eilisBK,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

And belated welcome to YWS! I hope you will have fun here! :D

This was an interesting short story, which seems to me to need a lot of background information on the one hand, but also doesn't need any to understand the story. You build up something exciting and it comes across as if this is just a snippet of an entire work. I like how you set up something so dramatic and epic.

I also like one of your characters and the portrayal of them. They still seem a bit simple with the short descriptions, but character-wise you manage quite a bit, which just makes me wonder all the more how this scene came to be. What did the girl do? Why is the King such a jerk? The motives of the characters are still a bit underdeveloped, but I think that's also enough to write a fairly significant story by means of the title.

I noticed that you still sometimes repeat yourself too often, which disturbs the reading flow somewhat. I would read it again after writing it and try to put yourself in the shoes of a reader who would judge the work. Especially when it comes to such simple things where you can use synonyms, I think you can easily improve everything again. Still, it was a very great story. I liked all the drama you built up and also the harshness you portrayed.

Other points that caught my eye:

Wind rattled the chains that filled the room, the rattling echoing throughout.

Here you could use a synonym or rewrite it a little.

The next four to enter, entered in a diamond formation.

Same here as before. For example, you could paraphrase it like this: The next four entered in a diamond formation. The only question here is how you see it and how big the door is so that several men can enter like that. :D

He was stout with a salt and pepper beard and glossy black hair.

Here you have repeated yourself and I don't really know what you wanted to express here.

The girl, Fallion, seethed.

The girl called Fallion, seethed. It sounds a bit better that way.

The King the could not rise from the floor?"

Here it should be that and not the. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




eilisBK says...


Hi Malice thank you so much for the review. I totally see where you%u2019re coming from. I write this at like 2am and then promptly fell asleep B) so the mistakes were probably due to exhaustion. I will definitely keep all you said in mind though!!



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Fri Jul 23, 2021 9:09 pm
CB says...



Great! I love this short story. Just a note - some repeat words. Just edit them. Overall I love it!
And yes - how weak a king if he cannot himself rise from the floor.

Brilliant! I feel for the girl. In my mind I can see the dungeon where she was hanging chained in the cell - tortured! The ending was fitting - with her last strength she kicked him to the floor - he shall bend his knees!

It brings out the strength in your character - genius work!

I look so forward to your next work.




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Fri Jul 23, 2021 7:39 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello! RandomTalks here for a short review!

First of all welcome to YWS! Hope you have an amazing time here.

Now on to the story! It was really great. Your descriptions were amazing and I loved the way you brought us onto the scene right from the beginning. I could actually imagine everything that was happening to the main character, so you did a wonderful job there!

The dialogue too, was on point. The words felt like actually something these characters would say and it helped to personalize them into real human beings you could believe and connect to. I became a fan of the main character, right from the moment she spoke her first words. We need more characters like her in real life. She has such a fire in her, and she won't back down no matter how wounded and bloodied she is. I also loved the part when she tried to spit at the King but ended up splitting her lip instead.

Now on to some minor mistakes I noticed.

" It was these chains that a figure hung, suspended. "
This line sounds a little incomplete, You missed the 'from' after 'was'. It would be, 'It was from these chains that a figure hung, suspended.'

" He was stout with a salt and pepper pepper beard and glossy black hair."
The word 'pepper' has been repeated twice.

"How does it feel protected him? The King the could not rise from the floor?"
I think you meant 'protecting' instead of 'protected'. Ans since it is also the title of your story, I am going to guess that the last line was meant to be, "The King 'that' could not rise from the floor?"

The last thing I would like to say is that, while your descriptions in the first two paragraphs were great and an incredible part of the story, I would suggest breaking them down into shorter paragraphs. Longer paragraphs often scare away readers and long paragraphs right at the beginning are....

This was a great story. Keep on writing and that's it for today!




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Fri Jul 23, 2021 5:12 am
Engel Falke says...



This is great! Makes me think that this reminds me of Dragon Prince (in a way) except the kind has a daughter and...you know he's kinda not a good guy. I like how Fallion just took out the king just like that.
Nice job, I look forward to reading more.




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Fri Jul 23, 2021 3:41 am
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RealSadhours296 wrote a review...



I really, really liked this! God I love the main character; the girl in this story. She seems like such a fiery spirit and I'm a huge sucker for female characters that can kick my butt.

Your dialogue is soooo good. It characterizes the characters very well and is just entertaining to read. More of that please!

A few things I want to say, and please keep in mind that I'm by no means an expert in writing and that some of this is just personal taste:

I feel that your paragraphs, especially the first one, are too long. I feel they can be divided up more for easier reading. I also feel like there's a bit...too much description at first? Setting the scene is nice and all but I feel this borders on purple prose a bit, and it's personally hard for me to stay focused with purple prose.

There's also a few grammar mistakes I noticed. You typed pepper twice in: "He was stout with a salt and pepper pepper beard and glossy black hair." and I think you meant protecting instead of protected and that instead of the in: "How does it feel protected him? The King the could not rise from the floor?"

Keep up the good work!





'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights