cigarettes hanging from empty mouths.
my hands are shaking and my corpse is God.
the raindrops sound like the bombs
that ring in our ears and tear us apart.
~
those ruins and picture frames
coated with ash
and left to rot
still find the sunlight
that never quite reaches my face.
~
the innocence i can't replace
is found in your eyes
as we walk through fields of flowers
and ancient demons.
i keep promising you another sunrise.
~
at the edge of the earth
our spirit will never die.
~
the bullets dance across your skin
and the horror of it all seeps through your lips
as you scream and lose your grip
on reality and why this was worth it.
i couldn't save you.
i can't stare too long.
~
i can feel the ghost of you running
through my veins.
this foreign dirt hides
a thousand graves.
~
my body still walks on
even after my mind is gone.
~
the war is over
but i still can't wipe the blood off of my face.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Amazing! I honestly have nothing to say except to keep writing. The imagery is amazing, and for those who don't really like war and are not interested, this poem just about says it all. the pain, the terror, everything! great job!
i can feel the ghost of you running
through my veins.
this foreign dirt hides
a thousand graves.
This is my favorite verse of the poem. the character is saying how he will never forget this comrade of arms. Amazing job.
Wow this is so powerful! Well done! As a fan of war poetry myself, this really gets to me. The imagery is just amazing and the metaphors used are as well.
"but i still can't wipe the blood off of my face"
This honestly is my favourite line of this poem. The character is saying how they will never forget the deaths they have experienced and to me seems like the character has developed PTSD from the trauma of the war.
Such a powerful poem well done!
Hey dramamine! I'm here to review your poem for RED! If you have any questions concerning my review feel free to PM me or comment them. As always, I'll try my best to give you my best review possible. Anyway onto the review~
I think I'd like to see this poem with more equal stanza sizes. You have a few small stanzas and then one big one. I also felt some lines were really short and some were long. There were some things that I found confusing and didn't quite get the meaning I think you were trying to get across.
(these are the lines I found confusing)
I don't know why but the word "ruins" felt really weird to me. I guess because you say coated with ashes and I just want to know why ruins are coated in ashes. Do you mean like ancient ruins when you say ruins?
How do you walk through demons?
I found some of the metaphors and imagery either too vague or a bit cliche. I would love to see some great imagery because right now this poem didn't do much for me. I don't feel the pain and I don't really understand what happened. I can't really feel the pain if I don't understand it. Relatability is so important. "I promise you another sunrise" lines like that are cliche. Just think about this: we have a sunrise and sunset every single day. There is probably a sun setting and a sun rising somewhere right now, this very second. It's because of that, that I don't really see sunrises and sunsets as super magical wonders. Yes they are beautiful but people have been painting and writing about them for centuries. Find a hidden beautiful thing and use that for a metaphor. I really like the last two lines. Those are definitely strong.
marmalade
P.S. sorry if this review was bad even in the slightest it's late and i'm sleepy~ xD
Hi! I'm not an experienced reviewer, so forgive any rambling and stuff
First off, I thought you did an excellent job of addressing a difficult topic! You have solid, pleasing imagery and your message is clear, and it was a touching piece.
Title: This is pretty subjective, but I think that it's a bit over-dramatic. It might be the ellipses, which personally I have never liked. Maybe just "the horror" would be better?
Stanza 1: The other reviewer already went over the "cigarettes in empty mouths" and "corpse to God" comparison. I do agree that they are both kind of confusing images, but I think that if you included the cigarettes in different way, it would be nice. The last part about raindrops was a fitting and one of the best metaphors I've seen all week.
Stanza 2: The first sentence is filled with AWESOME imagery and I just loved the part about how the sunlight never reaches your face. The second part has really good ideas, just phrased a little awkwardly. You have passive voice when you say that the innocence "is shown." You can change it to active by saying that "your face shows" or "I find innocence in your face" or something like that. The description of the field was amazing, one of my favorite phrases in your poem
Stanza 3: I'm not great with poetry analysis so I'm not 100% sure what this means. You don't have to change it to explain for dumb ppl like me, because it still sounds good ("edge of the earth" -- I love that!). I don't know if it adds to the poem, but I don't feel that it detracts.
Stanza 4: While I do find it strange now that bullets dance across skin, while I was reading it felt totally natural and I think it's a creative way to say it. I liked this stanza most for its emotional impact which you did a fantastic job of conveying.
Stanzas 5 & 6: OK, one thing: I don't think the first line needs the word "still" but otherwise: Amazing amazing amazing! God I love these last lines, they were hard-hitting and perfect and heartbreaking.
Thank you for writing this beautiful work! It drew me in and made me gasp a bit with some of your really wonderful lines.
Hello Dramamine!
This was really dramatic! I like your style, and how you have kind of a loose rhyme scheme. However, while I get the general idea, there are a few parts that were a bit confusing and places where I might divide the lines differently.
I can see how corpse fits in, but how is the corpse being compared to God? Why are the mouths empty if cigarettes are hanging from them, and what is the importance a of cigarettes at all? I can kind of see the imagery, but it doesn't really mesh with the other imagery I see in the poem- since these are the opening lines, you might want to clarify your intent a bit!
First of all, I might suggest taking out the "while". You already say as, so it's like saying "She was brushing her teeth as she read her book while she paced" or something. It means three things are going on, which may be true, but the way it's put in these two situations is kind of awkward. And the promised sunrise- I kind of take that as promising another day of life- but whose life? I do like the conflict between flower fields and ancient demons, though.
I think that you should probably keep "lose your grip on reality" together because it's kind of all one phrase. To me, the way you have it broken up here is a little bizarre and doesn't flow well in my mind. Also, it's been in present tense, but when you say "I couldn't save you" you go into past tense. Maybe change that to present? It might work out a little better that way.
That's about it! You've got a really neat poem. I think the last two lines are really powerful and accurately sum up the poem!
-Falco