We live behind bricks and pretty little machines,
where dirty faces are wiped clean,
and happiness is measured by the numbers found on screen.
Devoid of emotion with static noises erupting from scarred throats,
swallowing anything with the promise of an antidote.
Monotone voices with no change in tone,
we washed our profane mouths out with soap.
~
A little taste of Heaven on my lips.
A little splash of color on my fingertips.
I'm gonna paint your face with my impure life,
kiss your brittle veins till they bleed a vivid color.
Pollute your lungs with a breath of fresh smoke-fused summer.
Cloud your mind with a flood of compulsive thoughts.
Splatter your uniform heart with capricious feelings.
Drown your demons without needing those happy little pills,
'cause baby you're addicted to a city full of cheap thrills.
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
I liked line three with the "numbers found on screen" and I'm assuming that relates to like, social media followers or likes. The line felt a little unclear on what it was trying to say, though. I suggest that you reword it so it's more obvious of what you're trying to say?
You have seven lines here but you had a rhyme going in this stanza but lines 1-3 don't really rhyme all that well when they're together. They're off a beat, sort of like they're acting like they rhyme, but they don't. I suggest taking either line one or line two out? It's your choice, though. If you really don't want to do that you could always just change one of the two lines so that they all actually rhyme.
If these "~" are stanza breaks when I suggest making this poem into four stanzas? The two stanzas are long on their own and it would be better if they were in 1/4's so that they got more attention individually.
You rhymed in the last stanza but not in this one which messes up the consistency. It's kind of a thing where you rhyme, or you don't rhyme at all. Other than that, I didn't have too many problems with the second stanza.
Have a great day!
Aaaand, here I am again! Chilow for a review, here we go
I really can't say it enough with you apparently. Imagery, imagery, imagery! You are a true master at it!
"A little taste of Heaven on my lips.
A little splash of color on my fingertips.
I'm gonna paint your face with my impure life,
kiss your brittle veins till they bleed a vivid color." ------ Are you sure you're 15?! Honestly this level of poetry is years ahead of poets who are many years your senior, and really it seems like you have just a inexhaustible fount of astounding ideas.
"Happiness is measured by the numbers found on screen" -- This is simply profound. Now, I may simply be taking a meaning that you didn't, well, mean, but I'm going to assume xD I'm not going to rant about how kids these days spend so much time online, mainly because I am one of those kids and I'm about elbow deep in denial, but bear with me. Our generation has been practically raised with a new norm of communication, entertainment and general ability to know things, pretty much whenever we want to know them. Of course, people (our parents) are afraid of things they don't understand, and that's perfectly normal, though sometimes this is taken to an extreme. I'm getting off topic, back to business! The fact that you, as one of the generation of techies, can still speak freely about the potential problem a life spent mainly online presents, is nothing short of incredible. Ok, rant done, moving along!
"Drown your demons without needing those happy little pills"----- You should consider being a singer/ songwriter, because I for one am completely sick and tired of meaningless music that pulls at little more than a listeners pocket, screeching about how much money or fame an artist may or may not have. Your poetry speaks meaningful truth, and I think that were you to ever move into the music industry, you would likely arrive with a bang
That's enough from me, I think. I've gotten terribly far off topic, so I hope that some of my blathering has helped at least a little. Anyways, keep up the great work! Cheers!
First of all, thank you so much once again and no you are not blathering, just the opposite really. Also yes I'm so glad that someone was able to get the meaning behind what I was trying to say. Our generation and the world in general seems to be numb to the violence and hardships around us and more fixated on getting the most amount of likes on their selfies. Everything you said was exactly what I was trying to convey, so thank you
Furthermore, yes I can assure that I'm 15 considering the fact that I can barely tie my own shoes (just kidding...maybe) and I have no money but thank you for thinking otherwise!! Oh and actually my dream is to become a musician so it really means a lot to me for you to say that I should become one. I also agree with your comments on the majority of modern music these days being vapid and holding no meaning. But back on subject, thank you so so much once again for your too kind words. It really brightened up my night
Oh my gosh! This is an amazing poem! It shows how you feel about this modern world. I love your descriptions! Your poems are amazing, better than any poem I can ever write! I love your poetic voice! It is full of passion! I can tell you really love writing! And your good at it too! I have nothing negative to say! keep up the good work and never stop writing!
Thank you so much for your kind words!! I really appreciate it.
you're welcome!
Hey, what I really like about this work is that it is so descriptive and so personal at the same time. I think your poetic voice is truly special and your ability to keep your work flowing is something I don't know I've ever seen paralleled on here. Keep up the good work. You deserve high praise! Bravo, dramamine. Keep writing, keep reading, keep thinking, and keep being yourself. One day, you could go on to do great things. Scratch that. One day, you will go on to do great things. Ciao!
Thank you so much!! You just made my day