z

Young Writers Society



Semi-Automatic Mouth

by dramamine


My words are still messy and fresh and young,

But that doesn’t mean I stare wide-eyed at the sun.

~

We’re walking on a burial ground cloaked in 

broken bullet shells and empty promises.

My clean clothes are soon drenched in 

the blood of the innocent and fragile beliefs of the wicked.

~

You point your perfectly manicured fingers at the closest corpse

‘cause blame is the name of the game.

While terrified bodies crawl through dirt and carnage 

to uphold the purity of your American name.

~

Glossy, loosely-strung together replies erupt 

from the suit-and-tie’s pretty little handgun,

firing insults and tasteless words at people 

who are only trying to survive and run.

~

You hide behind machines and strike a match for war,

lilacs don’t grow from that semi-automatic mouth of yours.

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245 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Mon Jul 04, 2016 10:04 pm
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ChocolateCello says...



'Ello, it's cello!
For this review, I'd like to focus on your rhyming.
(I would like to mention that I'm writing on a phone in a moving car so my spelling may not always be top notch. I apologize)

When it comes to rhyming lines, the maximum syllable difference allowed it two syllables, though the lesser the difference, the smoother the rhyme.

My words are still messy and fresh and young,

But that doesn’t mean I stare wide-eyed at the sun.


Here, your second line has far more syllables than your first line and it makes it hard to read the line. The timing is over all uncomfortable so the wording here needs to be changes. A simple change I thought of that would help would be to change 'wide-eyed' to 'up'. I understand if you don't like this change (as you may loose a bit of the meaning that you're going for) but I thought I'd mention it anyway. It's your poem so I'm sure you'll be able to find an edit on your own. If you need help, feel free to contact me.

I'd also like to talk about your inconsistency with your rhyming. For the majority of your poem you rhyme consistently but for two verses (the second and the last) you don'y rhyme at all. If you were going for a slant rhyme, is was so far off (at least with my pronunciation) that it wasn't even noticable. When you rhyme, readers expect a rhyme. You can't just stop rhyming. It's distracting and confsuing for the readers. You want your poem to be easy and enjoyable yo read, espically on that last line because it holds your title.

I would also like suggesting that you split the lines into four lines instead of two for each verse. The lines are long which (at least for me) makes it hard to keep the rhythm as you read it. Splitting them up would take little work and would help the poem a ton.

Keep writing!

-chocolatecello




User avatar
245 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

Donate
Mon Jul 04, 2016 10:04 pm
ChocolateCello says...



'Ello, it's cello!
For this review, I'd like to focus on your rhyming.
(I would like to mention that I'm writing on a phone in a moving car so my spelling may not always be top notch. I apologize)

When it comes to rhyming lines, the maximum syllable difference allowed it two syllables, though the lesser the difference, the smoother the rhyme.

My words are still messy and fresh and young,

But that doesn’t mean I stare wide-eyed at the sun.


Here, your second line has far more syllables than your first line and it makes it hard to read the line. The timing is over all uncomfortable so the wording here needs to be changes. A simple change I thought of that would help would be to change 'wide-eyed' to 'up'. I understand if you don't like this change (as you may loose a bit of the meaning that you're going for) but I thought I'd mention it anyway. It's your poem so I'm sure you'll be able to find an edit on your own. If you need help, feel free to contact me.

I'd also like to talk about your inconsistency with your rhyming. For the majority of your poem you rhyme consistently but for two verses (the second and the last) you don'y rhyme at all. If you were going for a slant rhyme, is was so far off (at least with my pronunciation) that it wasn't even noticable. When you rhyme, readers expect a rhyme. You can't just stop rhyming. It's distracting and confsuing for the readers. You want your poem to be easy and enjoyable yo read, espically on that last line because it holds your title.

I would also like suggesting that you split the lines into four lines instead of two for each verse. The lines are long which (at least for me) makes it hard to keep the rhythm as you read it. Splitting them up would take little work and would help the poem a ton.

Keep writing!

-chocolatecello




User avatar
245 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

Donate
Mon Jul 04, 2016 10:04 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



'Ello, it's cello!
For this review, I'd like to focus on your rhyming.
(I would like to mention that I'm writing on a phone in a moving car so my spelling may not always be top notch. I apologize)

When it comes to rhyming lines, the maximum syllable difference allowed it two syllables, though the lesser the difference, the smoother the rhyme.

My words are still messy and fresh and young,

But that doesn’t mean I stare wide-eyed at the sun.


Here, your second line has far more syllables than your first line and it makes it hard to read the line. The timing is over all uncomfortable so the wording here needs to be changes. A simple change I thought of that would help would be to change 'wide-eyed' to 'up'. I understand if you don't like this change (as you may loose a bit of the meaning that you're going for) but I thought I'd mention it anyway. It's your poem so I'm sure you'll be able to find an edit on your own. If you need help, feel free to contact me.

I'd also like to talk about your inconsistency with your rhyming. For the majority of your poem you rhyme consistently but for two verses (the second and the last) you don'y rhyme at all. If you were going for a slant rhyme, is was so far off (at least with my pronunciation) that it wasn't even noticable. When you rhyme, readers expect a rhyme. You can't just stop rhyming. It's distracting and confsuing for the readers. You want your poem to be easy and enjoyable yo read, espically on that last line because it holds your title.

I would also like suggesting that you split the lines into four lines instead of two for each verse. The lines are long which (at least for me) makes it hard to keep the rhythm as you read it. Splitting them up would take little work and would help the poem a ton.

Keep writing!

-chocolatecello




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10 Reviews

Points: 32
Reviews: 10

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Mon Jul 04, 2016 9:03 pm
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rl320 wrote a review...



I'm all for poems that discuss the United States' treatment of the middle east (as I'm guessing this is doing, please correct me if I'm wrong). In your first line I like the use of "[adjective] and [adjective] and [adjective]". I think it reads a lot more lyrically than "messy, fresh, and young" would've.
Personally, I think "blood of the innocent" is a bit cliched, and "blood of the martyred", "guiltless blood" or something along those lines would work better. The last line is beautiful. It really shows the theme of the poem. I like the juxtaposition used in it. Also, I don't know if it was intentional or not but it's pretty neat how the title spells SAM as in Uncle Sam.





A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson