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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I like this.
I think it can do without some fluff though. The 2nd stanza seems corny-sorry. Not to mention you say "of from" which is most certainly an error.
The problem with the first stanza is it doesn't hold much meaning because you repeat yourself, each line should hold its own by being more descriptive or foretelling the story ect. but it doesn't
It's a restless night of timid curiosities.
It's a restless night of uncomfortable turns.
I almost get angry that your wasting my time- lol.
Pack more meaning, less words more imagery and you will do well.
If you just said this
These are fifteen-minute dreams I wake from.
And take the exstra lines to describe yourself with vivid medafores and imaginative devices would be great. If you want an example of kinda-something I am saying that you are missing look at Persy's first stanza here: stale tastes
I think that's how you should start developing this.
The last two lines can use some work flow-wise but they are my favorite, you ended with a bang- love it.
This was good,
hero
Hi there, dianneece.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
First, the ideas are very relatable, and I haven't seen many poems with this subject.
That being said, you need to work on this poem.
The content isn't particularly poetic. It sounds like someone's just talking, really, and I feel like it's more prosey than poetic. What you're lacking is images that back up your ideas. You give your ideas in such a straightforward manner that it leaves no room for poetry. What I would do for this poem is give images of what each kind of dream is like, then come to a conclusion at the end. That's really how most things should work, right?
Now on to more nitpicky things.
This stanza is very choppy. I wouldn't end every line in a period because it really does break it up and make it unpleasant to read.
-manifests should be manifest.
Here's how I would rewrite this stanza to make it less choppy:
Altogether, you can salvage this poem with some elbow grease and more images. I hope that this review was helpful. Keep writing.
This is really good, I love the fact that your comparing happy dreams to nightmares. You did a really good job. And what I love about your poem and comparing good dreams from bad ones, is that I can relate to the fact that most of my poems are about dreams, turning into nightmares. Great Job.
But you could always give a deeper meaning of your poem by throwing in some similes and metaphors. Or maybe thrust us into one of your nightmares or dreams.
I also love the description of the setting in the first stanza. Keep up the good work!
~Paris
I like this, mainly because I can relate. I can relate to the restless nights of just...thinking. Both blissful and miserable, in my experience. Yet, at the same time, I can remember times in my life where I could relate to the last line, where the enjoyment of dreams surpassed enjoyment of reality, and the desire to wake almost vanished.
It feels a little nitpicky, but the three-line stanza seems almost out of place. However, I wouldn't force an extra line out of it if nothing fits. I think it sticks out to me because I have an affinity for numbers, no idea if others will even really notice.