Such a simple, honest, and upfront first sentence! I'd like to see more of that around here. No straining for profundity, just "I don't feel well." And with that I'm already interested and understanding, it's open-ended and presents a problem to explore.
The stanza continues strongly. I love the second line's imaginative description, which sets the tone for the poem. The rest of the stanza loses its flow and mumbles a bit, however.
The second stanza is where I would have appreciated a more poetic exploration of the very straightforward problem. Instead it's apparently as clumsy as your hands. It seems to run dry with "my body is not my body, I am not me." You have a good sense of form though, and the stanza certainly redeems itself with the line "I am not overflowing," which reads so sadly and contains all that had to be said regarding your sense of shortcoming. Basically, this could gain from editing.
The last stanza is good. I like the concepts presented: crowded by emptiness, suffocating from littleness, exhaustion from carrying nothing and that question of whether or not the journey has been worth it. This is strong stuff and I feel it would have been better off in the second stanza, as the heart of the poem. Then you'd have finish with a new final stanza, one that actually addresses the problem you started with: "I don't feel well." We don't really get any closure to this, since the last stanza is more a description and digestion of this problem.
Regardless, as always I applaud your developed voice here. This feels a bit too much like a diary entry rather than a poem though. Then again, what's the difference?
Points: 577
Reviews: 198
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