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stale tastes

by Button

I don’t feel well.
I have all these acid bath dreams
crowding up my head, the switch flick, kill me now please
breaths that I took while I was sleeping.

I want to pull away my body and find something small and perfect inside,
but I am just this clumsy handed sandpapered
thing --
I feel like I should be more.
I am not overflowing.

I am crowded with empty space, suffocating
in the little person that I am,
exhausted of carrying too little for too long.

I am not well, and am not getting better.

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198 Reviews

Points: 577
Reviews: 198

Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:26 am
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inkwell wrote a review...

Such a simple, honest, and upfront first sentence! I'd like to see more of that around here. No straining for profundity, just "I don't feel well." And with that I'm already interested and understanding, it's open-ended and presents a problem to explore.

The stanza continues strongly. I love the second line's imaginative description, which sets the tone for the poem. The rest of the stanza loses its flow and mumbles a bit, however.

The second stanza is where I would have appreciated a more poetic exploration of the very straightforward problem. Instead it's apparently as clumsy as your hands. It seems to run dry with "my body is not my body, I am not me." You have a good sense of form though, and the stanza certainly redeems itself with the line "I am not overflowing," which reads so sadly and contains all that had to be said regarding your sense of shortcoming. Basically, this could gain from editing.

The last stanza is good. I like the concepts presented: crowded by emptiness, suffocating from littleness, exhaustion from carrying nothing and that question of whether or not the journey has been worth it. This is strong stuff and I feel it would have been better off in the second stanza, as the heart of the poem. Then you'd have finish with a new final stanza, one that actually addresses the problem you started with: "I don't feel well." We don't really get any closure to this, since the last stanza is more a description and digestion of this problem.

Regardless, as always I applaud your developed voice here. This feels a bit too much like a diary entry rather than a poem though. Then again, what's the difference?

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110 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 110

Wed Aug 07, 2013 4:39 am
ImHero wrote a review...

Three likes, you are very under-rated.

I want to convey something, 'cause often we get caught up into the mechanics and not really think that these are real emotions or even care. I wan't to say, 'don't take life to seriously,' but I do it too and we are caught in this never-ending cycle of not-good enough or unfulfilled. I can tell you, and I am only 19, the feeling of being un-fulfilled is one of the strongest and most hard-hiting feelings. Though, I don't know your life and your struggle I wish to say, even as I contradict myself, it is not important. Life is about being happy and there are things that distract from that goal all to often, I just hope you try to take the little things and learn to laugh and smile through hard-ship and an irrational sense of being unimportant.

With that said, I will get into a review. The acid-bath dreams was an amazing medafore. It added so much imagery of a horrid corpse, filled body just being swallowed up by time. It was emotional and served its cognitive purpose well. I think the first stanza having so much emotion and such an awesome rhythm 'which I now prefer to call persy rhythm' actually tried to cram a bit to much into a little amount of words. The switch click is something that I am not quite sure what it means but I pinned a rationality to it anyways. Like I said in my previous reviews, please use your gut decision because you are so amazing at what you do. All i try to do is give you an impression of a reader..

The second stanza is amazing as well. Although, "I feel like I should be more, I am not over flowing" seems partly redundant. I don't quite know most peoples views on repetition for effect but I don't think it totally represented this piece with the same integrity of the rest of the poem. The rest, of everything else, I wouldn't change for the world. It is beautiful, the amount of emotion you can get off in this amount of words. I will defiantly be learning off of this to try and portray some of this in my own writing.

I usually say this to everyone, but I actually mean it with you, thank you for writing! You are my idol when it comes to poetry, the person I strive to be better than. :) Like, if there was a million Persy's walking around I think the Novel industry would be going out of bushiness ;)

Love you persy, and where-ever you go in life, never stop writing. For me. I will leave you with that stalkerish message and throw you up my super-professional sign after my reviews.

Your hero,

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1315 Reviews

Points: 23536
Reviews: 1315

Wed Aug 07, 2013 12:03 am
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Hannah wrote a review...

Hey, Persy.
I love you.

I love especially the contrast in the first stanza, and the way the last part feels broken off completely from the rest. The idea of "breaths that I took while I was sleeping" really effectively captures that indescribable desire you have, because those breaths can't be counted -- who would be there to count or know they really occurred?

For me, I think the second stanza gets weak in that it's vague, general phrasing without anything concrete or new to stimulate the reader. One possibility would be extended or making more vivid the first line: of the something small and perfect. What it makes me think of is a trip I took over the weekend to a famous temple here in Korea, and in one of the buildings was housed some buddhist relics, which were supposed to have come from the person's body when they were burned after death: it was a small collection of little, shiny rocks that looked like jewels, and I think that idea pairs perhaps nicely with what you mentioned. You hope there's something more inside you that is undeniable, that is just a part of your body, that can't be warped with any of your mistakes or bad thoughts about yourself.

And though the first two lines of the last stanza are similarly weak, I love the idea that you close the poem with: that we can be burdened not by carrying heavy loads, but by seeing those around us carry heavy loads and feeling that we have nothing, nothing worth anything at all. That's a strong thought to keep.

PM me or catch me in the chat bar if you want to talk more about this. (:

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Points: 261
Reviews: 32

Tue Aug 06, 2013 10:42 pm
eviehoward wrote a review...

Just so you know, I get this feeling too. It's like you are nothing because you haven't achieved anything. But hang in there, we all find something that makes us whole :)

Onto your poem, I love the structure. How the stanzas run onto each other makes your anguish emphasised which makes the poem so more emotional. There is a desperation in the words that can be physically felt by the reader, which I think is because your choice of words are especially evocative.

Your idea of crowding in an empty space is such a paradox but works well in the poem because of the subject matter. In fact all your paradoxes really add to the loneliness of your poem.

I loved it, it was short and sweet. You had better keep writing because the world needs more poets like you :)

Do. Or do not. There is no try.
— Yoda