Let me pass on by

by desmerize1819

  • Poetry
  • Other

Published March 23, 2009

In Other Poetry

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Let me pass on by

Don’t look at me.
Don’t trail your eyes down my body
and bring them to rest upon my chest.
Don’t wet your horrid lips
and call my name
while you stretch your arms to grab me.
Leave me alone.
Leave me be!
Let me grow without being spoiled;
Don’t taint my soul
nor my heart..
You should advert your eyes
and get rid of those thoughts
And let me pass on by.

Comments & reviews · 1
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Sura
Review
Sura wrote a review Review · Mar 23, 2009

desmerize1819 wrote:Let me pass on by

Don’t look at me.
Don’t trail your eyes down my body
Meh, this sentence doesn't transition well because it's so long.

and bring them to rest upon my chest.
Don’t wet your horrid lips
and call my name
while you stretch your arms to grab me.
Leave me alone.
Leave me be!
That's redundant and it doesn't really add to the effect.
Let me grow without being spoiled;
That could be stronger.
Don’t taint my soul
[s]n[/s]or my heart..
I think 'or' would sound a little better. Also, the rhythm isn't that great.
You should advert your eyes
and get rid of those thoughts
And let me pass on by.
Meh. It's not nearly as profound as you intended.


Overall:
It's pretty good, but definitely has room for improvement.
There really isn't strength in the message either, it's just a girl suggesting that this creeper doesn't....well, you know. It could use some more emotion for sure.

Anyway~ keep writing and g'luck!
<3



There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley