(Darn these abstract words! Everyday I have new feelings about them. Do you?)
Conceptual Feeling
Hope
is scattered white dust
from crushed bones.
Loneliness
is that body in the river
weighed down by stones.
Joy
is the peasant among royalty
in his Sunday best.
Love
is a messenger
who’s been shot twice in the chest.
Fear
ambushes you
after tracking your every move.
Guilt
is a note to your conscience
stating: you’ve got to improve.
Satisfaction
crosses her fingers
after every other lie.
Seduction
is the golden key to the door
of each single high.
Peace
is a gifted child
whom no one understands.
Misery
is a corrupted fool
who offers a pleading hand.
Curiousity
is the daredevil
who wishes he had nine lives.
Potential
is only a coward
who’s afraid to work, afraid to strive.
Temptation
is the birth mother
of the first last time.
And forgiveness, oh forgiveness
is the dawning of a promise
spining upon a dime.
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140,846 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Wow. This poem is fantastic. The rhyme scheme is good, though a little odd in some places, and the message is great. I love the way you grouped the two different nouns together. They weren't always related, but somehow they seemed to correspond. Your examples are very outside-the-box, and therefore very original. The only thing I have to critique is this line: "stating: you’ve got to improve." Having the colon there, and nowhere else, unbalances this stanza. Could you get rid of it somehow? If so, this is perfect. Gold star!
This is really interesting. You have great ideas! Once I had to write a descriptive paper about cowardice. It's really hard to think up good metaphors, but I like it. You do a good job with it!
I have to agree with yoyo about the rhythm and some of your rhymes. I think this would sound better if it were an unrhyming poem. That might just be me though, I'm not a huge fan of rhyming poetry. I think you would just be free to express your ideas more naturally if you didn't have to worry about the rhyme.
The bit about curiosity is great, and potential starts out good, but strive is just such a pedestrian rhyme.
If it's going to rhyme though, you could improve it by watching the syllables in each line and making sure it has a good flow.
Lonliness was my favorite image. I didn't really understand love either, or temptation or seduction.
Overall, this is really creative and fun to read. I'd like to see more!
rachel
Very good flow, and very interesting ideas behind each one. I may not agree with all of them, but as you said, abstracts always change, so I can't really criticize you for that. I think your rhyme is a little forced in some places. Like in Love with the messenger shot in the chest, I didn't get that, it seemed like you just put that to rhyme with best. Otherwise, very interesting. I liked the words you picked to define. Nice!
~Yoyo