z

Young Writers Society



A Red Rose

by desmerize1819


A Red Rose

A red rose retrieved
with thorns that spite,
releases a sliver of vitality
unto the sheets of white
freedom.

The thumbprint of tainted
happiness within,
fades into a backdrop
of unadulterated sin
once more.

While your heart grieves
and your soul is bared,
vultures attack; shedding-
You are left alone and uncared
for.

Go back to the inception
and refuse that wretched rose,
that symbol of deception.
Believe that he lied--
there was never any devotion
to you.

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312 Reviews

Points: 6403
Reviews: 312

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Mon Feb 23, 2009 6:02 pm
Mars wrote a review...



Hey des!

releases a sliver of vitality

I think this line is too many syllables - though I do really like it! Perhaps you could find a shorter word than releases?

So, this is quite a poem. It's brilliant, I think, actually - you have wonderful diction and rhythm, and I love the rhyme scheme. It's different, but consistent, and it works.

Honestly, I cannot decide whether I'm okay with your last stanza or not. Usually, I'd condemn it, because it's a different structure than the other stanzas, and usually that doesn't work. However, I like this, and I don't think it needs fixing.

Lovely.

-Mars





Sometimes wisdom came from strange places, even from giant teenaged goldfish.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena