A Red Rose
A red rose retrieved
with thorns that spite,
releases a sliver of vitality
unto the sheets of white
freedom.
The thumbprint of tainted
happiness within,
fades into a backdrop
of unadulterated sin
once more.
While your heart grieves
and your soul is bared,
vultures attack; shedding-
You are left alone and uncared
for.
Go back to the inception
and refuse that wretched rose,
that symbol of deception.
Believe that he lied--
there was never any devotion
to you.
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140,846 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey des!
I think this line is too many syllables - though I do really like it! Perhaps you could find a shorter word than releases?
So, this is quite a poem. It's brilliant, I think, actually - you have wonderful diction and rhythm, and I love the rhyme scheme. It's different, but consistent, and it works.
Honestly, I cannot decide whether I'm okay with your last stanza or not. Usually, I'd condemn it, because it's a different structure than the other stanzas, and usually that doesn't work. However, I like this, and I don't think it needs fixing.
Lovely.
-Mars