Empty
I am empty inside.
My soul’s a void which needs to be filled.
I long for everything:
to feel your comforting touch,
to hear your voice whisper my name.
Nothingness has claimed my life
And I’m fading like the dawn unto a new day
until I’m forgotten.
Hopelessness clings to me as if
it were the remnants of a bad dream.
Fear reigns over me.
It lurks in the shadows of the day
And hides around every bend at night-
waiting.
I need you.
You to hold me and keep me
from disappearing under the blanket of darkness.
When I leave, there’ll be no
trace of me.
Except for an unrecognizable outline
Of the sorrowful soul
that I had once been.
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Hi, desmerize1819.
You've written a beautiful poem which perfectly encapsulates those times when we feel a little under the weather, so to speak, and the longing for that bit of human company. I hope i've interepreted your poem correctly. If not, i'd be interested to know your inspiration for this piece.
Between the line
and
There could be a line's space, to emphasise the emptiness the persona is feeling. Perhaps, "I am empty inside" could have no full stop at all, to show the endlessness of the hollow feeling.
After the colon could be a three part construction - listing three things that the persona wants. Three part constructs always make the poem more persuasive and the reader will probably be able to empathise more.
This could be improved to, "I'm fading like the dusk into the darkness until I'm forgotten." The imagery with night would parallel well with the whole tone of the poem, as well as the first two lines of the next stanza, especially
And I think that a full stop after
instead of the dash would emphasise the waiting element of, well, the word "waiting", which is literally waiting on the next line, if you get my meaning.
And remove the full stop after
because it's better to have a long flow of words without an interruption of punctuation here, because it puts an emphasis on the end of the poem when no trace of the persona will be left.
Overall, I absolutely adore this poem you've written and I can really emphasise with it. It's all about the empathy and the emphasis in poetry!
Best wishes with your writing!
~ timeless
Hey Desmerize! June here!
)
I'm kind of short on time, so I'm not going to do a nitpicky line-by-line critique here. (Not that that would even be necessary, but ha
I truly like the concept of this poem: Writing about an empty feeling (whether you possess it or not) is something that more than half of your audience should be able to relate to.
Moving on, while I like the concept and what you're using in your lines, I don't like the overall feeling of the poem. It's too loose; meaning that the ideas feel unconnected when they can easily feel connected.
That feeling might help to aid the "emptiness" feeling that is implied by the words here, but, it's not giving the reader much by that. Your lines should relate to each other so that we can relate better to the poem. Here's an example of what I mean:
Using a period in the first line here is bringing us to a full stop, making our minds prepare for a completely different idea to follow up after that.
If you replace that period with a semicolon, you'll bring us to a half-stop, meaning that you can have the same pausing effect without making us prepare for a new idea. For instance, it would read much easier if you reworded like this:
Fear reigns over me;
Lurking in the shadows of the day. . .
See what I mean? By "connecting" your lines with different punctuation, you hold our interest and attention longer.
Overall, I really do like the poem. It was rather interesting to read, dear. Keep it up!
June
Try to keep your stanza size consistant. It helps with the flow of the poem. the same goes for line length. I got the point you were trying to display in the poem, but I never felt any of it. It was overly dramatic, especially in the beggining. Instead of just saying "I am empty inside" show us that by saying what it feels like. I thought that the narrator was just whiny and clingy, which I know is not what you wanted to happen. I know I probably sounded really mean in this, but that was not my intention, and it is just my oppinion.