Young Writers Society

Hey, deathwave1! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review

To start off, this was interesting. I do not think I can found any real issues or flaws with this poem, except for a few tiny nitpicky points.

The title, was one of those points for me. It's nothing major, I just wanted to clarify an opinion/question the meaning.

You wrote

Those icy, distant pinpricks of light
That we told each other stories about
Were the borders of our tiny world.

Which, of course, includes you talking about stars. However the title, Under Imaginary Planets, refers to planets. I understand that stars and planets reside in the same galaxy, but not always in the same reign of thought. There was no mention of planets during the poem, so why refer to a planet in the title? Not only that, but Imaginary?

Also, the first stanza. You wrote:

I swear that I can feel you
Everywhere in everything.
In the first note of that song;
You know, the one you always said
Kept you up at night?

In this stanza, you write about the person "feeling" someone in everything and go on to write about where they have imagined this person's presence. Whilst in other stanzas, you have written with the universe in mind. I assume you have chosen to base this poem with that connection, but I found that the section failed to meet that perspective. But also, the mention of the song was slightly confusing. It had no connection to anything else in the poem, so it was in a sense, insignificant.

Lastly, in the very last stanza you've written the line

With our height and our hair

It was a wee bit odd. I assume you have used the reference to portray the passing of time, which is clearly obvious from the previous line "But the world grew", however, whilst height does alter and grow with time, hair has a slight different stance in its involvement. Height can not be altered and will stay the same, continuing to grow. (Although, it will eventually halt, so it does in someways fail to meet this particular comparison) The issue though is where you have included "hair". Hair may not continue to grow all the time, it can remain short--depending on characteristics--but also, it can be altered significantly. E.i. it can be cut.

Nonetheless, I did enjoy this poem, especially the line:

Those icy, distant pinpricks of light
That we told each other stories about
Were the borders of our tiny world.

It was beautiful!

I hope to read more of your work! Good work and Keep Writing! <3

- ScytheMeister

Hello! Shey here for a review!

This was a neat poem, and I don't have much to comment on that was negative. Thus, the things I do comment on will be nitpicky, so be prepared.

I can see you in the sky in the summer

This has a bit of redundancy, seeing as you say "in the _____," twice back to back. It breaks the flow of the poem, and my suggestion to fix it would be "I can see in the sky during summer"

With our height and our hair

This is a weird line... You're trying to give example of time passing, correct? So this is strange. Height does grow over time, but hair gets cut and doesn't get longer with age. Technically, I guess it does, but it's cut so often it doesn't seem like it. I would remove the hair part of the line completely.

My last comment is on the beginning of this poem. Its weird that the first stanza is about a song that really had nothing to do with the rest of the poem. It's out of place, so I'd suggest either removing it entirely or mentioning the song again throughout later stanzas.

That's all I've got to comment on! Overall, nice poem! I look forward to seeing more of your works in the future!

-Shey