I wish I wrote that song,
The one about the girl
Who falls in love with the boy at the falafel shop.
And the one
About the boy and the girl
Who grow apart
And together again.
I wish I wrote that song
About a boy and a girl
And another boy
Who knows he won't be loved
But thinks they'll have beautiful children.
Or even better, that song about a station.
You know, the one that never really meant a train.
I wish I wrote that song.
That song about life
And death
And the scars it leaves on your body and soul.
I wish that I had written those words
That so beautifully tell the story
Of a boy who will live forever
And a girl who simply cannot.
And what about that song
About a boy
Who fights to be himself?
Doesn't that one tell my story, too?
Why didn't I write it?
And then there's that song I did write.
With clumsy words
And a rough melody.
It's not as beautiful
Or smooth
Or exquisite
As all the songs, all the words, all the stories
That didn't come from my mind.
They didn't come from my beaten-up notebook,
Full of illegible scribbles
That mean nothing to anyone but me.
My shaking tune
And blunt mumblings
Will never be as flawlessly worded
As all the strangers' thoughts
Spun into songs.
My words
That capture my thoughts
Aren't special to me
Because it's only special when someone else understands.
So I have to hope that someone else
Will understand.
Because otherwise, all of my words
Will amount to nothing
And none of it will mean anything at all.
Hey,
I started reading your poem to review it. But after reading it I just cannot review it. Seldom does it happen that one gets so engrossed in a poem that all the flaws and errors go unnoticed and turn insignificant. In this poem i just couldn't find any. You have beautifully put into words a muse that has always been there in my mind but I could never frame it. And I am constantly asking myself, "Why didn't I write it?" :')
First, I wanted to say that this is a beautiful example of when the simplistic approach is the right one. There's a lovely tone to this which draws the reader in from the start and it's the kind of poem I could imagine being read at a spoken poetry night. It has that really nice conversational rhythm and a good balance of simple phrases and thought provoking lines.
Specifics
1.
I wish I wrote that song.
The one about the girl
This feels more like a contrast an and statement.Who knows he won't be loved
ButAnd thinks they'll have beautiful children.
This line's beautiful. This is what I mean when I say you've got a good mix of simple but thought provoking.You know, the one that never really meant a train.
I wish I wrote that song.
That song about life
And death
And the scars it leaves on your body and soul.
You pull it back a little here but 'simply cannot' is too vague/ bland. Instead give us something a little specific and more finite, like 'And a girl who only has one more day' or 'And a girl who will never be born' or 'And a girl who counts the years/ like petals on a daisy, one by one.'Of a boy who will live forever
And a girl who simply cannot.
This is a few too many questions in a row and you're in danger of losing that slow and conversational tone.Who fights to be himself?
Doesn't that one tell my story, too?
Why didn't I write it?
This part is lovely. You make a very valid point and capture that need to be heard perfectly.My words
That capture my thoughts
Aren't special to me
Because it's only special when someone else understands.
So I have to hope that someone else
Will understand.
Because otherwise, all of my words
Will amount to nothing
And none of it will mean anything at all.
Hey hey! BornLoser is here to give you a review-y review! :3
I really like this! Usually, with something like poetry, it has to have a certain structure to it, or a certain rhyming pattern for me to like it, but what you have written is WAY too relatable to ignore. I always think stuff like this when listening to my favourite song. XD
I mean, my OCD kinda goes off because the stanzas change length, and you don't seem to use a rhyming pattern (that I can see anyways), but I really like the topic of this poem and the way you've written it. One thing I would say though is that you are a little repetitive with the "I wish I wrote that song" at the beginning of three of the stanzas, but other than that this is a great poem!
Overall, this is an amazing poem!
Keep writing dude!
Huggles from BornLoser ^3^
(also, I know I'm late, but welcome to YWS!)
I'm going to review this stanza by stanza 
I wish I wrote that song.
The one about the girl
Who falls in love with the boy at the falafel shop.
And the one
About the boy and the girl
Who grow apart
And together again.
120,202 Literary Works • 649,059 Reviews
Points: 236
Reviews: 53
Donate