I curled up tighter on my blue quilt. I could hear their laughing voices from the other room. No one asked me to join. Or maybe they did.
"Who cares?" I mumbled to myself before rolling over.
My door creaked. "Sara, are you awake?" My mom's quiet voice asked
I didn't respond. The door shut. I hoped it stayed shut, forever. No one would ever remember I was here. Or would they?
"Where am I? Who am I?" I asked myself softly. I curled up tighter. I stared at the white walls. Why would I ever have to leave my room again? I could talk to the walls, they would never interrupt me like Lacy. I could listen to the water pour into my fish tank, it never stopped midsentence like Carrie. I would never have to leave the dark solitude of my room again. It was perfect. Never again would I open that stupid door, only to see the cruel world outside of my perfect little dwelling. Finally. I mastered growing up. I stretched out and frowned.
"Shoot, I've got to pee." I said then got up and walked out the stupid door.
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137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
Hey there!
Ultraviolet already gave you a really good review, so I'm going to try to not be too repetitive of what she told you. As a whole, this is a pretty good piece, but I think you could make it a lot better if you worked at a little more revision. As of now, it's a cute, well-composed story that is easy to relate to. And while that's all fine and good, not nothing about this exactly stands out. It doesn't really leave an impression, either, and I can't see myself remembering this or going back to re-read it.
First, though, I think that you should come this through and revise the wording to make it clearer, because it's kind of confusing right now, as has been pointed out. Besides that, your grammar and composition is good, so you don't need to really polish anything in that area.
I guess the big thing missing from this piece is the why. Why is your narrator upset? Why don't they want to leave their room? What's waiting for them outside the door? Answer that question, and this piece will be a lot better and clearer as a whole.
I hope this helps you with your revisions! Feel free to give me a shout if you have any questions!
~ Elinor
Hey there, dasiamarie!
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by this. I'd add onto the sentence, make your meaning clear; just a few more words to more fully describe her thoughts. As is, it feels a little incomplete.\
Once again, we're not quite sure how to take this, good or bad, or somewhere in between. I'd like a little elaboration.
This parts a little melodramatic. Or rather, a little cliched towards melodrama. I don't want her asking her questions like these; I want her asking questions that are unique, that apply just to her; questions that show her individual struggle, don't just group it with so many others'. Also, we take a second to wonder just how literal and just how figurative she's being, which is a second taken from your story.
I like the two above lines; they help to show her specific frustration of life and people.
You use the word "again" in a couple sentences - which is especially bad in such a short piece - and since it would be a lot harder to rephrase that sentence, I suggest just taking it out of here.
But beyond the grammar errors, I think this would read better if you did it:
Okay, so I really like this - partially because I'm a huge fan of vignettes and flash fiction, partially because this is executed quite well. Your use of short sentences here is really good, but you also don't overdo it as I tend to do a lot in pieces. Something I would like to see is a more personalized anguish - unique reasons for her depression; unique struggles and frustrations. But other than that, this is really good. *likes*
loveness, ultraviolet <3
lol. That was awesome. That happens to me all the time:D